Thoughts get in but they can't get out

am 66 female bp1 and the last year i've had terrible insomnia w/those darn racing thoughts. ambien quit working and the pharmacist told me ambien puts you to sleep but doesn't keep you asleep (which is my problem) and it does nothing for racing thoughts. pdoc said a little bit of seroquel plus klonopin will do the trick...and it does...sleep plus no racing thoughs...and when i had to change drs. due to now being on medicare, new dr. prescribed the old fashioned valium. wow. sleep and again no racing thoughts...so 1 nite i take a tiny piece of seroquel and next nite valium and for really bad nites, seroquel and klonopin.

I was a lot the same way. As you might remember from all of my posts on here lol. I understand completely about thoughts running out of control, triggering all kinds of emotions and blending together, and triggering moods that I never wanted to have.

You are a lot like me, we are fighters... and that means that we will never succumb and give up. I tend to start listening to angry music and get really defiant when this happens. when it would happen.

but then, finally, something would happen. there was no magic cure, no techniques that ever worked. nothing helped, until it got too bad. it got so bad that it ruled my life. yes, it was def a trigger for sui thinking and self harm. what would happen is that I just stopped caring. I felt bad about it, and it was totally selfish, but I just stopped caring and I know it was out of survival that I did this. I started pushing the boundaries. not caring. acting mostly how I knew I should act, but feeling the freedom of just being me. and in that not caring time, I found that I was able to leave behind the thoughts and being able to have a choice.

Now I care again, but I was able to leave the thoughts behind, for the most part. I hate that part of me, and since I hate it so much I am able to keep it at bay now.

I don't believe that there is any cure, any techniques, anything that will help when the thoughts and emotions get like this. like what you are experiencing. I must have tried them all exhaustively. I guess what I am trying to say, is that it is a process, and it is okay to get angry and go through a time where it's okay to stop caring about all the little things and get totally rebellious and angry.

I know that this is a part of us that we tend to keep at bay. We hide this part of us in attempts to be good people. but it was this part of me that gave me the freedom that I now have. I'm not saying to use it to turn your life upside down in a manic way..... no.... but anger is there for a reason and it can be used to finally deal with the things that are haunting you.

Sorry if some may see this as bad advice.... but that's okay. We all see things differently.

This was my process and I have the results to back it up. I hope that you can find something here that may help you.

there is an ache an expression!

so tumultuous!

how can we ever let go of pain when the hurting is so painfull C?

I don't remember the last time I felt soothed!

seems you are similar this way

...the damage is outside me outside you...and the defense is painful

...to fight is un-necessary...

just?

...all you need is some comfort little lady!...

type them out on new word file and then close without saving. it helps somewhat.

Always late for the party these days, and I'm not even attempting to make an entrance!

So sorry you've been struggling with this, and at such an important, stressful time for you

I do the heartbeat focus exercise as mentioned earlier, coupled with a visualization exercise.

I look at my thoughts on display centre stage. One by one I sweep them away into the wings with a giant witch's broom. Everytime they pop back onto the stage I sweep them away again, the aim is to get the stage as empty, dark and peaceful as when the theatre is closed.

Takes a while with racing / intrusive thoughts, but I get it right eventually. And then, because looking at a pitch black stage can only do so much.........

I picture a calm soothing setting. Usually me (with boobs ) on the edge of a cliff watching the waves....
Because we all know how calming a pair of nice breasts are Right? lol

I hyperfocus on this thought, the sights the smells, the feelings it evokes, and then I usually pass out unknowingly and wake up refreshed

Sounds like a long dreary process, and can be initially, but with practice each step becomes more familiar and easier to accomplish.

My broom used to work overtime when I just started you should see this baby go now!

Disclaimer: I made all this up one night a few years ago when my thoughts were racing and looping like crazy and I had no dx to soothe my scared frazzled mind. So I have no idea if it will work for others.

Hope you're doing better now C

I did sleep, took 3 klonopins over 4 hours. I'm "allowed" 2 a day, but just went for 3. I don't even need to take them everyday so I feel it was ok. Did not take an extra ambien. The lavendar lotion was soothing, along with my Bach flower essence for sleep.

But today is not so good so far. My bf came over this morning to drive my son to school to help me. He went outside to let the chickens out, but came back in and almost yelled at me that I had 2 dead chickens. I fogot to close the coop last night, and some animal came in and killed them. I feel horrible, I just totally forgot last night. It was stormy out, I didn't get home from work until after 7pm and still had to make the kids dinner. I started crying and asked him which ones were killed, I have 4, but 2 favorites. He yelled at me saying why would I even care because I don't close them up at night. I do care and later went out to check and my favorite, Goldie, is gone. Greenie the Genie is still alive though.

I was crying hard and told him I will drive my son to school and do not want his help anymore. He said he drove all the way over and could've been to work already, so I said go to work then. I told him I don't want to be with him anymore, that I feel he's really mean and critical and I can't take it. It's all too much for me, I'm doing my best but can't take care of everything. Told him he has his own house and I have this house, and we're never going to live together, he doesn't want to be married again, we barely see each other, so there's no point and I want it over. I left, he called and apologized but I didn't answer. I want it over.

Set me free so I may actually find someone who wants to be my partner and be a family with me and my children, someone whose vacations include me and my kids. Or I'd rather be alone, single, so I can focus fully on being my own family with my children.

You were very brave, very strong to finally speak up about this whole bf thing AND to put your foot down. I know how tough that is though

Kudos for putting you first! Its about bloody time hun. You deserve the best, it's so not in your best interest to shortchange yourself

You're gonna be alright, you'll see

I hope it's the right thing I don't know. I feel so sad and confused. I have a headache and I'm dizzy from all the crying.

I can't believe I let my chickens die.

Blue, it was a simple mistake please don't be hard on yourself. You've been under so much stress forgetting that is reasonable.

My older son just hugged me and cried with me about the chickens.

Okay I hope it's okay to express this, I find that the fact that your older son was showing emotion over the chickens is so telling. This is the child that you have tried to explain for months. What a sensitive child! I agree again (from past posts!) that you cannot give up on this child.

I'm sorry Blue, for all that you are going through. No words, I just want it to be better!

Many hugs!
Bluemountains

Thank you blue, yes of course it's ok to express that. The sensitivity and care he showed made me cry more. So it's a and