[ajmich]

Maybe it's more that I just want to be less unhappy. I'm definitely not happy, because I was given a gift of some happiness six years ago, for a few months, and that is something of a base line.

It wasn't extreme, though when you've had mostly unhappiness, some sustained happy times may SEEM extreme. Nope, it was just plain good, wonderful in fact. But I don't compare every mood with that period of happiness. I just know it is possible to have it. And when things swing in the opposite direction (called dysphoria, right? -- the opposite of euphoria?)... then come the reminders of what could be, what had been, what should be possible... and considering I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing (attending to my mental & physical health, being a good & helpful person, etc)... well, it escapes me why the suffering must return.

I've had those moments, putzing around with electronics & stuff, even just doing some eBay thing, realizing I have been able to help a fellow eBayer with something (I enjoy that) and they are pleased that some stranger cared enough to share some knowledge. Indeed, and I've often thought to myself -- maybe that's as good as it gets.

But if that were true, why did the Spring of 2007 happen? It felt like a journey (cut off, as it happened) into what was real and right and good. I mean, joyfully singing LOUD with a CD -- or even “a cappella” -- while doing a solo mini-road trip to nowhere in particular, just for the joy of driving, of finding someplace to explore a bit. Soaking in the simple beauty of a formerly unseen, nearby place.

Y'know who are truly happy? Young children. At least those who have most of their needs met... their parents are stable, their bellies are full, their minds aren't cluttered with painful visions or feelings. Call it childhood innocence, simple ability to find joy in whatever they are doing. If that ain't happy, I dunno what is. And there are SOME adults who are still capable of doing it. Last time I felt that was the same time period (early '07) when I rode a bike for first time in eons. Instant joy! Complete abandonment of any self-consciousness or fear. Just... GO! And FASTER! The beam on my face must have been visible for a mile.

But what led up to that instant, seemed to be a happenstance combination of head meds, pain meds, a period of relief long enough to 'allow' the trust that it could LAST, that it (the relief) was for real, finally.

Making the decision, cleaning & oiling the bike, taking it down to the station to put air in the tires, yadda yadda. Enjoying the process of ALL of that... then, the actual RIDE. Whew. True, if I never feel that way again, at least I had that moment. Is it selfish to want it back? Is it just another indicator of mental illness that when the mood is sliding downwards, memories of happy times come fluttering back into peripheral vision? To some extent I 'spose recalling happy times while -- once again -- sliding into depression, is in itself a symptom of depression. IE, anything the sick brain can do to enhance the misery? Aaaugghh, I don't know.......

Sure, I get some pleasure from a good TV show or a well-made movie... clearly able to "lose myself" in something for an hour or three. Then the "bleah" ennui returns. When it returns very quickly, I've come to realize the head meds are failing.

[BlueInanna]

Ennui what a great word. It should be my next name. What is happiness? Something different to everyone I think. For me, I have it sometimes, more like contentment yet often fleeting.

Someone texted me something recently with a Buddha picture. It said a man told Buddha, "I want happiness." So Buddha said, "first take out 'I' for that is ego, then take away 'want' for that is desire, now see what you are left with happiness." I thought it was clever. Easier said than done.

[ajmich]

Love the Buddha on Happiness, thanks... brings to mind Yoda: "You will KNOW... when you are calm, at peace, passive..."

[BlueInanna]

I found an awesome Yoda/Buddha pic but can't figure out how to copy from my phone dang!

[BlueInanna]

[ajmich]

BlueInanna gets points for both: a very cool Yoda Buddha plus figuring out how to post it here in under 10 minutes! In the middle of the freakin' night! well, in Michigan anyway. Thank you. Great pic.

happyness for me is being content with your life, and what's around you

which i've not yet achieved

[ajmich]

I've had a problem with realizing what I thought before might be "content" was actually just "settling" for, um, mediocrity..? The absolute challenge for my variety of BP is not to believe in the highs at all. They are so seldom, far between anyway... but if/when that happens again, I'll be aware of the fantasy of it and just treat it like a dream state that will end without notice. (My "highs" have only been very mild hypomania... which for me was amazingly good... but for someone without mental illness it's probably just what they'd call feeling good, having a good time, pleasant but nothing that special. Being childlike in ability to get caught up with the moment, put everything else aside. And like a "typical" BP, oh my GOD I want that feeling back! "Well, you CAN'T have it so there"

for me, the biggest challenge is niot even knowing anymore what i want from life.

so how can happynesss even be achieved when i'm unsure of what will make me happy?

hmm

[Odee]

This is exactly how I feel much of the time. I think people take for granted how natural and ingrained enjoyment is. I feel jealous of people who are motivated to do the things they enjoy, even if it's just reading or playing a game. You won't notice how given this sense of enjoyment is for you until you're faced with a response of emptiness instead.

Happiness is a conspiracy manufactured by Charles M. Schulz, and Hallmark to sell product. Marketing genius!

[AeonDM]

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
― Abraham Lincoln

[ajmich]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

how can happynesss even be achieved when i'm unsure of what will make me happy?

Amen. For me, a "baseline" for happiness is anything that has brought some joy in the past, even for a short period. Depression tries to keep me from remembering anything joyful... and it can feel sh*tty to "go there" when I'm down, but usually I can recall some good stuff that is some sort of a goal towards feeling happy again.

[ajmich]

Originally Posted by AeonDM

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Considering he had major depression, that's kind of a bizarre statement. Then again, back then they probably had no clue about the chemical imbalances involved, right? So Lincoln would have had that pre-psych mentality about depression... just something you should be able to will yourself out of.

[ajmich]

Originally Posted by Odee

This is exactly how I feel much of the time. I think people take for granted how natural and ingrained enjoyment is. I feel jealous of people who are motivated to do the things they enjoy, even if it's just reading or playing a game. You won't notice how given this sense of enjoyment is for you until you're faced with a response of emptiness instead.

Nailed it, Odee! Lacking any motivation lately... the response is emptiness for sure. I ask for the willingness to heal, to let the meds work, to feel better... yet this episode has dragged on for 2 months now. Get a tiny bit of satisfaction realizing how much I have been forced to learn patience. It isn't about "wallowing" or self-pity... there is just a disconnect from anything that feels right and good.

[faerie_moon_x]

Happiness is a fleeting thing.

Wellness should be the goal. With wellness happiness and contentment come all by themselves.

[Confusedinomicon]

Happiness comes in different shapes and sizes.

Like today I'm happy because I will get to eat tamales and drink mexi-coke.

Tomorrow I'm anticipating happiness because I'm going to a concert.

The day after because I only have a 4 hour shift...

Eating makes me happy in general and going to places to eat by myself is something I really enjoy doing. (Why!?!? Dunno)

I don't exactly feel elated about doing stuff. I just appreciate that I can do those things. Huzzah.

Dark_Heart is rightttt. Good post up thurr.

[Odee]

Originally Posted by ajmich

Nailed it, Odee! Lacking any motivation lately... the response is emptiness for sure. I ask for the willingness to heal, to let the meds work, to feel better... yet this episode has dragged on for 2 months now. Get a tiny bit of satisfaction realizing how much I have been forced to learn patience. It isn't about "wallowing" or self-pity... there is just a disconnect from anything that feels right and good.

These past couple of weeks I have been struggling, and right now I am hurting because I'm lacking the enjoyment of anything while faced with things I should be enjoying and with people to enjoy those things with. New videogame my BF wants to watch me play....nope. Playing MarioKart and Wii Tennis , which in the past has been a blast, and with a bunch of friends....nope, wasn't fun. Two people are in the other room right now jamming on guitar....I wish I could feel the enjoyment of a hobby like that at this moment. It's painful to hang out with people, because talking and being with them isn't fun. My psychiatrist complains about my self isolation...but there is not always the drive.

I know it's depression creeping on in. This isn't a normal experience.

Like I said, it seems like negativity has been hitting me harder and more constantly these past couple of weeks.

[Confusedinomicon]

Have you tried sitting outside when you feel like isolating? Sometimes it helps to feel reconnected with nature. (Even if its cold and you can only sit out there for a few minutes)

Vit D deficiencies can make winter murderous on people, too.

[ajmich]

Odee, Confusedinomicon: both of you hit on major items for me. Have a LONG term habit of avoiding other people's "fun" because the disease keeps me from any enjoyment... and if exposed to their fun, it's worse because I feel like a turd for not enjoying things like the others can. Worse yet is feeling like a "bug" or something if you try to explain and you get those weird looks and people shuffle their feet or change the subject.

Hard as it is sometimes to even leave the house, it's so true that being outside, preferably in solitude, somewhere with nature (not cement) can be a mood lightener... you have to LET it sink into you a bit, yes? Drink it up. Bundle up if it's cold. And my T has been suggesting Vit D for weeks now... I drink milk, take a multivitamin, but she says you have to get sunshine (or equivalent from special lamps) or get it from foods... ditto B-12. Going to see about blood work for possible deficiencies. thanks evvabody!

happiness for me is to step outside of whatever is going on and feeling free from all of the stress and problems! its all attitude for me.

The less I care sometimes, the happier I get sometimes. Gotta monitor it though, when I get that way, so I don't leave behind what I really do care about! I've been lost like that before, and I don't like the consequences.

So I guess balance for me equals happiness.