Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old Mar 08, 2013, 10:45 PM
Secretum's Avatar
Secretum Secretum is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,983
I've recently come to the realization that there are two strong, battling forces within me-the will to live and the will to die.

My entire life, I have been very afraid of death. I remember as a child being afraid to close my eyes and sleep, for fear that I wouldn't wake up. The summer between high school and college, I became convinced that I had cancer (I was fine; just a hypochondriac). I was so upset over this because I thought that I was going to lose my life.

But there is also a force within me that desperately wants to die. I have a million reasons why I should end everything right now. I've stood on window ledges and shoved pills in my mouth. I've written (or at least started writing) 3 notes expressing my final goodbye in the past year and a half.

The death force gets me to climb on to the ledge. The life force stops me from jumping and gets me to climb down. For 21 years, the life force has been stronger (usually much) than the death force, but now, the will to die is finally starting to rival the will to live.

I know that I would be better off dead, but the life force is still within me, chaining me to life with fear of death.

I'm sure that I'm not the only bipolar person fighting this inner battle. Do any of you also have a part of yourself that strongly wants to live and another part that strongly wants to die?
__________________
I dwell in possibility-Emily Dickinson

Check out my blog on equality for those with mental health issues (updated 12/4/15) http://phoenixesrisingtogether.blogspot.com

Hugs from:
Anonymous46069, BipolaRNurse, Victoria'smom, ~Christina

advertisement
  #2  
Old Mar 08, 2013, 10:58 PM
Travelinglady's Avatar
Travelinglady Travelinglady is offline
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 49,212
Yes, to some extent, depending on how depressed I am. I think the "normal" person has a strong will to live, but when depression affects our thinking, then we might feel like we want to die. And sometimes it does seem like an inner battle. I hope the will to live will win!
Thanks for this!
BipolaRNurse, Secretum
  #3  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 02:54 AM
Darth Bane's Avatar
Darth Bane Darth Bane is offline
Veteran Member
 
Member Since: Jan 2013
Location: In the galaxy far far away !!!
Posts: 380
in my mind there are two versions fighting with each other.... one is romantic who believe in good, in humanity and another nihilist who thinks life is meaningless.... there is third version obviously watching all this... the two versions are fighting with each other wearing ancient great looking body Armour... with swords of course and on the ground resembling from world of Warcraft... third version is watching them sitting on the stone... in position as if i am sitting on iron throne like in game of the thrones again with the sword in my hand.... and when nihilist side is winning i am depressed and romantic side is winning i am hopeful.....
__________________
I am lost in my own mind !

Hypo-mania and Depression are alike a Knife of Dreams !

Dx - Bipolar II

I'm not feeling well ... I got pain !!! Effie, We all got pain !!!!!
  #4  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 04:08 AM
anonymousxyz
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Think about it a lot.
  #5  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 04:18 AM
ajmich ajmich is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Feb 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 126
whew, well yeah, have felt those things and long ago came to believe those are Love and Fear, plain and simple. In fact it can be very helpful to clear the air by applying Love or Fear to just about anything. It's easy. It feels "right" to me. So even when I'm deep down in the pit, that battle is moot because I can go on auto-pilot (or something) and remind myself that wanting to die is just Fear. It takes courage to live with this disease. It takes self-Love. Even when the dark crud overshadows all hope & reason, that's a thread that one can hang on to and get you to the other side... back to Love. hokey?
  #6  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 08:16 AM
Anonymous32451
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
i love this thread (and not just because the title of it is from shakespeare my fave line from my fave play).

yes i battle this a lot, and to be quite honest- it annoys me at times because i can't make any type of choice reguarding it

their are times when i think to myself, ooo yeah, i'll die tomorrow- i'll be happy with that... free from pain, free from this life, etc etc etc, then i go.. ah but i'll really miss the simple things!. breathing. talking. i won't have the ability to change things- i'm so young... why?. is it really essential?. so then my part that wants to live gets all excited about living and a few minits later.. i go back round in a circle to think about a strong urge to die... so yes... it's a constant battle.

i've discussed this with the samaritans actually, they tried to make me understand
  #7  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 10:16 AM
Moose72's Avatar
Moose72 Moose72 is online now
Silver Swan
 
Member Since: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 18,420
That's me too. I worship death. Yet when I'm driving and a car gets a little too close I get freaked out. Well a little.
__________________
Qui Cantat Bis Orat ingrezza 80 mg
Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg
Vraylar 3 mg
Gabapentin 300 mg
Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily
Mania Sept/Oct 2024
Mania (July/August 2024)
Mania (December 2023)
Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023)
Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021)
Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021)
  #8  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 10:20 AM
dubblemonkey dubblemonkey is offline
Account Suspended
 
Member Since: Feb 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,325
Quote:
Originally Posted by Secretum View Post
I've recently come to the realization that there are two strong, battling forces within me-the will to live and the will to die.

My entire life, I have been very afraid of death. I remember as a child being afraid to close my eyes and sleep, for fear that I wouldn't wake up. The summer between high school and college, I became convinced that I had cancer (I was fine; just a hypochondriac). I was so upset over this because I thought that I was going to lose my life.

But there is also a force within me that desperately wants to die. I have a million reasons why I should end everything right now. I've stood on window ledges and shoved pills in my mouth. I've written (or at least started writing) 3 notes expressing my final goodbye in the past year and a half.

The death force gets me to climb on to the ledge. The life force stops me from jumping and gets me to climb down. For 21 years, the life force has been stronger (usually much) than the death force, but now, the will to die is finally starting to rival the will to live.

I know that I would be better off dead, but the life force is still within me, chaining me to life with fear of death.

I'm sure that I'm not the only bipolar person fighting this inner battle. Do any of you also have a part of yourself that strongly wants to live and another part that strongly wants to die?
full on!!
  #9  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 10:28 AM
dubblemonkey dubblemonkey is offline
Account Suspended
 
Member Since: Feb 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,325
Quote:
Originally Posted by Secretum View Post
I've recently come to the realization that there are two strong, battling forces within me-the will to live and the will to die.

My entire life, I have been very afraid of death. I remember as a child being afraid to close my eyes and sleep, for fear that I wouldn't wake up. The summer between high school and college, I became convinced that I had cancer (I was fine; just a hypochondriac). I was so upset over this because I thought that I was going to lose my life.

But there is also a force within me that desperately wants to die. I have a million reasons why I should end everything right now. I've stood on window ledges and shoved pills in my mouth. I've written (or at least started writing) 3 notes expressing my final goodbye in the past year and a half.

The death force gets me to climb on to the ledge. The life force stops me from jumping and gets me to climb down. For 21 years, the life force has been stronger (usually much) than the death force, but now, the will to die is finally starting to rival the will to live.

I know that I would be better off dead, but the life force is still within me, chaining me to life with fear of death.

I'm sure that I'm not the only bipolar person fighting this inner battle. Do any of you also have a part of yourself that strongly wants to live and another part that strongly wants to die?

maybe we can psych this thing out kill it before it kills us!!

...what you write about is not absurd secretum...

this tangible battle like flesh and emotion in a personal ruin!....

to hate and to love?

to believe there is no future and to deny letting death prove it??

I'm not going to do the sadness here because I experience the exact same thing...!

and it dumbfounds me how I attempt to survive and yet all my emotional instincts are already dead they bypass my need to live and yet I survive and so many people kill themselves and I cannot understand death??

damn it!!

I want to understand death beyond just the annihilation of my troubles...

and unfortunately I do...as may well you do too...

we never die...

and the bipolar misfortune is the understanding that perhaps we were already born in an alternative life....

where death has no effect...!!

dying will not kill me....dying will not kill you...

you gotta trust me on this one

I don't much like what I'm talkin' about?...but this I know!
  #10  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 12:53 PM
ajmich ajmich is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Feb 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 126
Oh yes MM, you speak truth. Our true nature is not physical, not of the Earth. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter! (Master Yoda) Now rather than flaming me for the quote, consider the meaning. As players on the Earth stage we're given (or even choose?) roles that may challenge our physical selves; but if we can hang on to our spiritual selves, does not the rest of it tend to fall into place? So much we do not understand because we unintentionally block the signal. Energy beams us Life but what we do with it is free will. Suffering might not be necessary... have we somehow brought it on, collectively, through negative thinking, poor choices, ego? Just throwing this out there, obviously, and grasping for threads to hang onto myself. I wonder now that I'm about to face my demons in T, when I give up the struggle to hold it in, keeping things from myself, stop building The Wall... will there be terror or relief?
Hugs from:
dubblemonkey
Thanks for this!
Anika.
  #11  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 02:44 PM
Anika.'s Avatar
Anika. Anika. is offline
Karma Kid
 
Member Since: Sep 2012
Location: Great White North
Posts: 2,154
Yes I have felt like that for many years in the past. Tho I think this is an active way of being and not a passive. It doesnt just happen to us, we are active in it's existance.

Ajmich, I agree.
__________________
Ad Infinitum

This living, this living, this living..was always a project of mine





  #12  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 03:00 PM
anonymous8113
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
You aren't the only ones by a long shot! Take a look at Ignatious Loyola (back hundreds of years ago) who is responsible for the Spiritual Exercises he wrote about
his own personal life and how he managed to finally understand what it was all about. (They're published on the internet for your use if you want to see how he
responded to the very things you're talking about.)

Essentially, he recognized two forces in touch with everyone, and the only solution for Loyola was the consolation of God's working within him ; otherwise, he felt he'd crumble into desperation. (That's not very well expressed, I must say.) But it's a start for trying to fight the fear of death and the knowledge that spiritual life holds for us all if we want it.

He has influenced me greatly in my thinking over the last several years. You see, I'm
old and facing the very things you fear, but I have His consolation.
  #13  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 06:08 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
Account Suspended
 
Member Since: Sep 2011
Location: Northern California
Posts: 14,805
Quote:
Originally Posted by Secretum View Post

I know that I would be better off dead
That is a fallacy. Being better off is a matter of perception as well as thinking. Perception and thinking both require a living human. If you are not there to perceive and think, there would not be any "better off". You would not be - that is all.
Reply
Views: 1091

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:29 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.