[gillgirl]

Hey all~
I have an issue that is just nagging at me and making me anxious. I have asked a few of my family and they just aren't sure how to answer it as we are all discovering how to deal with my Bipolar in the first place.

My best friend of 25 years still doesn't know of my diagnosis. I fully intend on telling her because I definitely need that added support. I'm having an issue on how to tell her because I feel I want to apologize for how I have been since we were teens.

See, I moved across the city before our freshman year in High School, that is when I started to have trouble with mood swings and depression, so we didn't see each other enough for her to see the problems develop. We have stayed friends but are no where near as close as we have been in the past and as I can finally honestly look back on things I know much of it was due to me. I missed the birth of both her babies, yet she was at both of mine. I was in her wedding and acted distant and jelous instead of happy for her. When it came time for my wedding I wouldn't even allow her to be a bridesmaid. We didn't speak for a year or so after that. Then I started Proazac and went into (what I discovered was) a manic episode that lasted a few years. I wasn't the best of friends to have, but I was way better than I am now. Once I stopped the Prozac I turned depressed, angry, impulsive, jelous and loosing interest in all the activities I was doing with my best friend. She has seen me explode in anger over nothing. She has seen me not get angry at things that should have. And I make up excuses every time she calls. I have been a horrible friend all around.

I know it is not my fault I have Bipolar and that I was doing the best I could with what I had to deal with. I shouldn't have to apologize for being mentally ill, but everything inside me says I cannot tell her about my diagnosis without apologizing for everything I have done to her over the past years. Every event I missed that was important to her and mostly for keeping my best friend out of my wedding.

Is this a healthy guilt or just a stupid symptom of BP? Is it wrong for me to apologize for my actions even though I can distinctly tie them to mood swings and mental illness?

I'm torn and I need help.

[Confusedinomicon]

Listen to genetic. Her post is more helpful.

I think it is healthy guilt.

You feel bad for things you've done and want to take responsibility for those actions. Regardless if it is mental illness doesn't change the fact that her feelings were hurt and you feel bad for it.

I would write a letter and explain your feelings and what transpired instead of talking to her face to face. At least you will get to explain everything without getting tongue tied or misrepresenting anything. You can write the letter and post it and we can give you feedback.

If she is still a friend, she has already learned to forgive the mistakes you made.
I wouldn't create an unhealthy guilt in myself by thinking that I need to rehash things that are long past. She probably knows that you had some mood swings in your teen-age years.

At best, I might mention in a letter that you regret all the teen-age problems of youth, but that you've grown a good bit in your understanding of yourself.

Just let her know that you value her loyalty and hope to be as kind as she has always been to you. I don't like the "guilt" thing and see no need to dwell on it as difficult for you.

You must remember that the teen-age years are like trying on outfits to see which one fits us best. A more mature person would think as you do, realizing that the
feelings were all part of moods during those early years.

Take care and forget about guilt. I don't know that having guilt is helpful in this
instance.

[hmbfam]

I'm going through the same thing with my parents and friends. I went to a therapy session with my whole family where my brother pointed at me and said my behavior is a character issue, my dad told me that jail for my dui would maybe be painful enough so that I made better decisions, like I had the choice. I did very well with my family when I told them i was alcoholic and was turning my will over to god and all that, but when I was diagnosed as bi polar and shared it with them, all I got was "that's interesting" I'm having trouble with all this as you are, but I have moved from guilt to wanting people to understand. It makes me feel better when I get to tell people about my problem, that I've hurt.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

You feel bad for things you've done and want to take responsibility for those actions. Regardless if it is mental illness doesn't change the fact that her feelings were hurt and you feel bad for it.

Fold it into your draft, changing the pronouns accordingly.

Originally Posted by genetic

you regret all the teen-age problems of youth, but that you've grown a good bit in your understanding of yourself.

Use that in the draft, verbatim, as well.

Now you just need to fill in the actual details, if you want to, and the draft is all done. Or you can leave it at a general level. I am sure she will appreciate it either way.

[AeonDM]

Forgive yourself first. You will have better clarity what to do next.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by AeonDM

Forgive yourself first. You will have better clarity what to do next.

I do see your point. Basically, prioritize and sequence. Forgive first, then identify next steps. That is a good plan.

Still, it is hard to forgive yourself theoretically, and taking the writing/communicating action without going through an unclear theoretical step might be OK. OP will forgive herself in the process of writing and putting thoughts on paper / organizing such thoughts would yield clarity by itself - writing in general yields clarity.

But theoretically, your point is great.

You're going to find in life (as you live longer), that people don't particularly enjoy
hearing all the negative about life. They appreciate the positive far more and respond to that in a more positive way, too.

Whatever you do is your choice, of course, and you choose the risks you take when you bring out the fact that you have bipolar illness and that you made mistakes because you were bipolar, not because of some other rational things that might have been part of the reason for the mistakes; i.e.., the jealousy, etc. (Those are not specific emotions relative to bipolar illness alone; they are universally experienced emotions.)

I just wouldn't be so frank with all my personal data with everyone. One of the reasons you're posting here is that you prefer privacy. Why open it to your friend unless you are fully knowledgeable about her understanding of bipolar illness and the mood swings that occur and the chemical imbalance, etc.?

Keeping a friendship is partly in maintaining a positive and helpful attitude toward the friend and showing compassion for her feelings--a thing that is difficult for a bipolar when one is in a "mood". Unless you know her well enough to be sure that you aren't opening something that may distance yourself with her friendship, I'd leave it alone, except to blame the jealousy, etc., on teen-age years.

Just my view on it.

[hamster-bamster]

I think Genetic has great points and if you can slowly rephrase your message, removing the mental illness component to the extent possible and substituting it with your realization of the importance and the value of the friendship and how you want to be a good friend in the future - something along the lines.

You have no obligations with respect to disclosing your medical history. You just want to make amends and improve the friendship, right?

So you should not feel obligated.

[gillgirl]

Thank you all so much.

Genetic I appreciate the honesty with me about it all. I can see how the whole thing is a risk for me. It makes me feel better to hear you and hamster tell me that I'm not obligated to tell her about the mental illness side. I do know that telling her wouldn't push her away any further, we have been through a lot worse than this in our 25 year friendship. But I don't think she has much understanding of BP, it would be a lot of questions on her part I think.

I guess I want to tell her as to build a support system for myself here at home. I do agree that the past should be left in the past. As said above, she has already been forgiving me because she is still a friend of mine. To rehash all of that wouldn't be helpful.

I do think I will wait a while, until I'm more stable and get meds and all figured out, before I make a decision. It needs to be made and said when I'm not in a "mood".

Thank you, thank you everyone for help with this issue.

I think you're very rational and will handle it just fine. I enjoyed talking to you.

[ultramar]

I was in her wedding and acted distant and jelous instead of happy for her. When it came time for my wedding I wouldn't even allow her to be a bridesmaid. We didn't speak for a year or so after that.

I understand the need to apologize and to share your diagnosis, but others have made some great comments and suggestions regarding that.

I wanted to point out -and Genetic alluded to this- that not all (of any of one's thoughts and behaviors, I think) are due to bipolar (i.e. what I bolded above). In that sense I don't think it would be helpful/healing to go back and attribute everything unpleasant (thoughts, behaviors) to your bipolar disorder. Looking back, some may have been perfectly 'normal' (no need to pathologize them) and others may be due to some psychological issues that you can work on, rather than due to an episode. I can't say for sure if what you've described above was part of an episode, I just want to point out that seeing all of your history through the lens of bipolar might lead to you missing out on other things you could work on, or simply forgiving yourself in the context of chalking them up to life happens, we all mess up sometimes, we all do things we're not proud of; no need to beat yourself up about it either way, though.

[gillgirl]

Thank you ultramar. I can't attribute all my behaviors to BP. I guess that means my next step is to really start working on me again. That helps me make up my mind to start seeing someone to help me work through it, not just and MD. Deep breath.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ultramar

chalking them up to life happens, we all mess up sometimes, we all do things we're not proud of; no need to beat yourself up about it either way, though.[/SIZE][/FONT]

This is so true! And remember that some things are due to chance only. They cannot be attributed to causes. Most processes are stochastic rather than deterministic anyway, and it is just a pretty stubborn quality of human mind that manifests itself in our wanting to ATTRIBUTE A to B.

A might have happened by chance.