[Lillyleaf]

Hello

I was wondering to myself in my mixed episode state wondering who am I without my thoughts? Who could I possibly be if I don't have my thoughts. When ever I am put on meds I feel like to lose myself. I become someone that isn't me. Prozac made me feel distant from the person I was. Not not knowing who I was, but as if my memories were no longer my own. It was as if I was another person.

Now I'm on Lemectal and although it isn't working all to well and I Need a higher dosage I feel like I'm losing myself in the process.

It in fact changes my thoughts, or how I think.

So, I ask... who am I but my thoughts.
Bipolar isn't simply my mood that changes, but it changes me.

Thoughts? Opinions?

THanks so much!

Lillyleaf

[comicgeek007]

I'm sorry to hear that!

The way I've been thinking about it is that for the most part, my thoughts are mine, but some of them are from illness. I don't feel so bad if extraneous thoughts aren't there, I guess.

[Secretum]

I've thought long and hard, for years, about what defines a person. A person is not his social image, as people may have differing views of him. A person is not a string of memories, as memory is fickle. And in my view, a person is not his thoughts, as thoughts may be transmitted from others and hence not all originate from the "self". The best definition of a person that I have found is that a person is the subjective experience of feeling and sensing something in the moment. People don't act, people don't think. They experience actions and thoughts and feelings. This definition is also imperfect because really it actually doesn't make sense to define people and talk about "self" and "other". The truth is that there is a universal consciousness, and we are all one, connected physically, mentally, and spiritually.

[Nessa213]

This thought is actually quite terrifying to me. I know I need help, but the thought that a medication will take away ANY part of me is paralyzing. I've been trying (and failing) to manage it on my own for a very long time.

And in about a month I'll be starting a medication... which one/ones... and how much... I don't know yet. How will I change? What will be the side effects? Will it be worth it? Will it help at all? What if it doesn't help? What if I never get better? Maybe this is just how I'm SUPPOSED to be?

It's one of those things that I'm trying not to think about. Because when I start thinking about it, it's hard to stop thinking about it.

[Odee]

I do not believe that the turbulent emotions I experience through bipolar disorder has any part of me. Rather, it covers me, keeps me from being ME -- letting my personality and strengths shine through. I feel as though the emotions I have are not mine; they don't make sense. The disorder does change my thoughts, but these are not healthy or rational thoughts, they are not thoughts that I identify with myself.

It is a disorder, and the disorder is part of my experience but only keeps me from being completely myself.

[vjdragonfly]

I look at it as if the brain is malfunctioning and sending out bad signals. These signals are carried into our thoughts and with the illness they can be twisted many ways. The medication (once it is balanced right) works to make clarity of the signals and clears all the excess muck from our mind.
There are interactions from some meds that can make you feel too "controlled". It that case I don't think it is working right. Our thoughts come from our relative state of mind so when you feel better your thoughts become better.

[venusss]

I don't like the label "illness". And I don't really like defining feelings between "good" and "bad". Sure being suicidal sobbing mess is not "good"... but sometimes it's about "I wanna kill part of myself I hate" and maybe good to explore.

I was born nerd. I was born weird. I read Hiroshima diaries at age of 11 and was obsessed about nukes since (maybe this played part in my decision what to study). I obsess, literally obsess about countries and talk to 'em. I obsess about death and mortality of me and others and that lead me to studying spirituality and various religions. I prefer fantasies to reality, I sometimes stray away from people...

Each of these and others I won't talk about right here... some would label 'em illness. Some would wanna rid of 'em. But who has the right to tell me what is right and what is wrong to feel? What if I can make the bad feelings just a part of my experience?

Maybe you cannot cherry pick feelings and thoughts. If you lessen the bad, you will lessen the good with them, maybe not to the same degree, but it happens.
It's up to you to chose if it's worth it, and for how long. Maybe sometimes we need calm space... but ya shouldn't lose yourself. That is a big no-no.

[faerie_moon_x]

I think it's all up to the risk vs. reward when it comes to medications. If the risks are worth the outcome, then it's a good path for you. If not, then try other things.

I agree that bipolar is not a mood disorder. I actually don't think it's any type of mood disorder. I think it does other things to us that happen to mess with our moods. That's just how I feel about it.

[TheDragon]

Originally Posted by Lillyleaf

Hello

I was wondering to myself in my mixed episode state wondering who am I without my thoughts? Who could I possibly be if I don't have my thoughts. When ever I am put on meds I feel like to lose myself. I become someone that isn't me. Prozac made me feel distant from the person I was. Not not knowing who I was, but as if my memories were no longer my own. It was as if I was another person.

Now I'm on Lemectal and although it isn't working all to well and I Need a higher dosage I feel like I'm losing myself in the process.

It in fact changes my thoughts, or how I think.

So, I ask... who am I but my thoughts.
Bipolar isn't simply my mood that changes, but it changes me.

Thoughts? Opinions?

THanks so much!

Lillyleaf

Heya hun,

I've known you for a while now, and understand that these have been a turbulent few years for you. I'll be honest, you'll probably have a few more of those...teenage years aren't easy! You saw me through some of mine, and saw how cuckoo I got during some of it.

What's really going to get you through this, and really last in the future is yourself. It's not medications, it's not anyone else else; Those can have an impact, but the thing that's truly going to make all the difference in the world is you, your sense of self, and the direction you choose to go.

Based on what I know, I don't think meds are going to do much for you. If you find one that works, that's okay, but you shouldn't be sacrificing any of who you are, in an attempt to feel better. Remember that video I linked you to? To quote, "Recovery doesn't mean relief. It means you get to deal with life on life's terms. It means you get to experience sadness and anger and loneliness and fear, and you get to look at in the eye, and you get to make a choice. Every day I make a choice that everything I do is going to bring me towards happiness and freedom."

You're a wonderful person, and I don't want to see meds changing you. Please don't lose yourself....you're too precious to be lost to the world.

[Polar Pixie]

I understand and know the feelings/thinking of the medications "taking away" pieces of your own unique personality. I've fought my therapists with the medications for this very same reason. However, my personality is still there, it's just not as "intense" as it was. Good and bad.
The best question I was asked that calmed this worry of mine is, what's worse? Having the mental torture and painful mind frame that I had before the medications, or being on medications that calm the painful thoughts and feelings while it calms aspects of my personality; Good and Bad.
With reductions of holes in walls, screaming like a Banshee is at all time lows, and increase safety of man kind, proves I made a good responsible decision to stay on medications.

I don't want to take my meds either. My moods aren't wrong. I'm not a danger to anyone. There's nothing wrong with the way I think. Yes, it's not a very productive way of thinking, but at least it's my way of thinking. When I'm depressed I usually see things clearly, often even more clearly than when I'm not depressed. I think clearly when I'm hypo too, I just see the world in a different light. In fact, I understand most things better than any "normal" person I know, and that is not unrelated to the fact that I am bipolar.