[bluemountains]

Hi Everyone,
I considered posting this on the psychotherapy board, and I enjoy posting there occasionally, but this issue has me uncomfortable and I need your input.
My concern is with my pdoc and the fascination I have with her. All of my other providers-t, family doc, etc. are at least middle-aged, although maybe not as old as me. My pdoc is 20 years younger than me, and I find that I have all of the sudden become very interested with all that I can find out about her online. I have become an internet stalker!
She has so much at her young age. She is beautiful. She was a college athlete at a university, and she was Phi Beta Kappa in college. As for her social life, she enjoys punk bands, and she enjoys her family and friends. I like that she has a real life and is smart as well. I guess I am jealous of the fact that she is allowed to have all of this and most likely has never had to experience childhood abuse or be a third-generation MI sufferer.
Obsession or what?
She has the life that fate did not allow me to have, and I guess this explains the fascination. There is no sexual attraction, although I do admire her beauty and perfect body.
Meanwhile, after all of the digging, I have an appointment on Thursday with her. We don't do talk therapy, so I do not have to feel the need to disclose my feelings. Somehow, though, I do want to make some comment that makes her think about all that she has been blessed with. Yes, I know that her commitment to studying has been important, but she has had some advantages to get where she is.
I think that I might ask her if she has ever had to deal with anyone on a close, personal level who has dealt with meds to keep in control. I just want to know that she has some compassion at a personal level for all that we go through!
Okay, crazy or what? I have never had the need to be so obsessive over someone. Is it the fact that I could be her mother?
Bluemountains

[BlueInanna]

Nah not crazy... i am fascinated when i find out things about my pdoc or therapist. i've posted some stories. one i never posted was that over the summer i went to pdoc's, i think i had to drop off a payment, her office overlooks her house and pool and backyard. she must have a son home from college or something because there were 2 teen looking guys having a bbq pool party, obviously underage, drinking beers and smoking fat bong hits and coughing really loud. i loved it, i love seeing them/pdoc's/therapists' life in reality.

and then my old therapist, i know just way too much about because my daughter lives with her son in their garage. she is far more far from perfect than i thought! and actually turns out to have quite a mean streak. my daughter told me her boyfriend is scared of his mom, and that she's crazy. i said, well you know i'm sorta crazy too. my daughter said, but you're a great mom, you show us love and affection! made me tear up like i do.

another idea, i talked to a gf today, her friend is about to graduate with her doctorate in psychology. my friend is so proud of her friend because she's overcome a majorly dysfunctional childhood including sexual abuse from father with mother knowing full well... made me think about how they say most people who go into psychology do often have some issues of their own, driving them into the field to figure out their own heads.

i think it just is really interesting to find out their private secret lives because i've shared my secrets. so to me i think it's totally normal to want to know more about them. and to remember no one is perfect, even though they may look it on the outside.

you could ask her, so i'm curious - have you ever had to deal with anyone on a close personal level that is like me, who has dealt with meds to keep in control?

i wouldn't say you looked up anything about her and she'd likely say it's just against the ethical code or something for her to discuss any of her personal life with you... but you could still ask and say, ok i was just curious...(?) it's ok to ask a question.

[BipolaRNurse]

I wonder about this same topic. It seems to me that I know a lot about my pdoc---how old he is, where he lives, what he's done in life and what he does in his spare time, personal foibles and so on. Then again, we are both clinicians and we relate on that level, as well as the fact that we have become friends of a sort. It's kind of weird, but it works.

However---there is still a professional boundary that neither of us will ever cross in this lifetime, and there certainly is nothing going on that would threaten the therapeutic relationship. That's so wrong on so many levels, I can't even wrap my mind around it.....probably because as a health professional myself, I know there is only black-and-white here---NO grey areas.

But yeah, there is some definite hero-worship, the guy has literally saved my life and I'm grateful for that.

[bluemountains]

Thanks Blue and bpNurse for letting me know that I am not quite so crazy. It makes sense that we want to know as much as possible to make them seem more like us. Luckily I haven't found out anything that bothers me.

[Odee]

Often the people who seem ostensibly fine and happy are really struggling along with the rest of us. It's not fair to assume that she hasn't had to overcome her own troubles just because you can't detect them. No one has been born with that perfect life, although all of us will always be more fortunate or unfortunate than others.

[bluemountains]

Okay, so I saw my pdoc today, and I guess I'm not a good investigator because she's pregnant and I had no idea she even was in a relationship. I was afraid to ask for fear of being rude (and nosy!) about her pregnancy. This news definitely changed my perception of her.
Otherwise, not the best visit. She actually got a bit frustrated with me because I couldn't really tell her what's going on with me, and I am with a new therapist, who I haven't really opened up to yet. She knows I hate taking meds, so I think she feels like I am being difficult, and I am not really trying to be so, it is just that I am in a strange mood and I can't describe it-maybe hypomanic? panicky? impatient? stress? I couldn't explain!
Anyway, I allowed her to increase the zoloft to 150mg and said I would call her in two weeks. Also, she told me that I needed to increase my therapy sessions if I want to feel better. I think that this was her frustration because I had no input to give her from a therapist, and she doesn't do talk therapy.
Yikes! I don't know how to stop the racing!
Bluemountains

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, working with other women who are the "have it together" types I can tell you for a fact that some of these people do not appreciate having sound minds, no real financial dilemas, and the blessings that are dropped on them. They are great with the patients but otherwise they are not as put together as they appear. And most of their drama is self-created.

Complaining because you have to pick someone up at the airport like it's going to ruin your life really bugs me. You know, because I've seen and experienced the real things that can ruin your life. So, I don't blame you for wanting to check and make sure she's not "perfect." And, watching people walk around that I know in some levels I am extremely smart, but to them I'm just a secretary. But, hey, I didn't have the same early childhood development and obsticles, so I am where I am.

It just means, I get the sword and they get to hide under the house when the zombie apocolypse comes. Right? Because I can battle through. And so can you.

Sorry I am rambling. It will be okay.

[unaluna]

Boy, I know what you mean. As a child of immigrants, I've read that it's the next generation that has it a lot better. I kinda had to have a foot in both worlds, where I see my cousins' kids just coasting along being Americans, going away to college, nothing is a big deal. They're fighting for their right to par-tay; I had to fight for the right to wash my hair more than once a week.

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by hankster

Boy, I know what you mean. As a child of immigrants, I've read that it's the next generation that has it a lot better. I kinda had to have a foot in both worlds, where I see my cousins' kids just coasting along being Americans, going away to college, nothing is a big deal. They're fighting for their right to par-tay; I had to fight for the right to wash my hair more than once a week.

I agree with you completely, Hankster. Somehow, after 30, I ended up on the other side of the fence. I must admit, though, when I was young I was quite the partier myself. The difference is that I had to earn money to pay my way through college and then find the money and time to party. My teenagers think that college is a right, not a privilege. My oldest is a junior in high school, and I have already let her know that we'll pay the tuition, but she is responsible for her daily living expenses.

[bluemountains]

Okay, yes everyone, this is too much of going into personal business, but I believe I have found that my pdoc has a same-sex partner. The sexuality issue doesn't bother me at all. I have had same-sex infatuations. Obviously, this is one.
I dug because I had to find out who or what the reason was that I had never heard of a relationship. I have been seeing her for 2 yrs. and, no we don't expect doctors to share, but generally information comes out through friendly conversation or comparisons, or even pictures.

The thing that bothers me is that she has to be so secretive about her relationship because our society is so narrow minded. Even Laura Bush supports same-sex marriage! I hope that those who are not in the US have less puritan views than we have here.

I won't continue with the tirade, but now I see why I became a stalker. I think that the tranference may be some type of attraction. I want to know more about her considering that she is analyzing my brain all of the time.

Bluemountains