[BlueInanna]

I'm starting back on lithium tonight because...
I can't seem to handle the stress. I don't think I can work. I think I need government assistance and they will want me to be "med-compliant". I know these meds don't even help me just make me fat. I have no one. I'm going to lose everything. Bankruptcy, homeless shelter, failure, that's what's in my future. I've worked since I was 13. I work so hard and amount to nothing. I snapped on a girlfriend calling me about her Internet dating problems I snapped she needs too much from me. I snapped told her I have no advice, I've never even had a successful relationship, and I can't help her because I'm losing everything, I can't feed my children, I'm a failure at everything, I can't also try to process her problems about some guy she doesn't even know not calling her back. I said I'm losing my business and my home and my mother and aunts and kids have no one except me to take care of them. I'm a failure. She said, "businesses come and go". That's it, end of that friendship. I said you may think I'm being materialistic idk, but I've spent the past 20 years building my business blood sweat and tears, invested everything nothing left, I have no one. She said, "I know this is all you have ever done but you'll be ok." I said, "no I've worked since I was 13 babysitting, house cleaning, dish washing, bussing tables, waitressing...." She just has no idea what it's like to build a business. She has constantly talked about herself so much to have no idea what I'm going through. I was so offended by the things she said. Then I was crying and asked my son to please help me and just get me a cup of water, my 11 yr old. He wouldn't get up from his computer then I snapped at him and said I work 12 hour days and bring you food and do so much for you please help me right now. He called me a b---- this is my used to be well behaved son. I sent him to his room and he called me more names and gave me the middle finger. I just need a rest and a cup of water. I can't do this on my own. So as a final symbol of my failure, I swallow you toxic lithium into my body, as I will be swallowed into the government system of no way out. Nothing is sacred anymore, my body and rights will no longer be mine but belong to the government, who knows if they'll even help me, maybe a tiny unemployment check for 6 months. Maybe this isn't really happening and I will wake up just a bad dream.

[emgreen]

It sounds like you're going through an extremely demoralizing & depressed period, Blue. It's especially tough when folks you consider friends minimize what you're going through & spew their own garbage -- not paying attention to what you're trying to communicate. We're here to listen & let you vent.

...my two cents worth, but have you ever checked into lamictal as a mood stabilizer, as opposed to lithium? I've found it to be pretty weight neutral -- though some folks can't tolerate it.

That said, I know no med will weed out all the problems you're sorting through now. I just hope you can manage to stay strong & somehow weather this sh*tstorm you're in. Try to hang tough.

[BlueInanna]

I did try lamictal first and could not tolerate it I have tried many meds
A calm life is my best Medicine but impossible at this time. Yes, shitstorm sums it up well. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just going to do the stupid lithium and deal with the weight gain, I'll need the extra weight to keep me warm when I'm living in my car anyway. . Dammit life ****ing sucks right now.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

a girlfriend calling me about her Internet dating problems

I can't also try to process her problems about some guy she doesn't even know not calling her back.

This is so selfish of her that it is just UNBELIEVABLE.

[Trippin2.0]

I hope things calm the eff down around you soon. You need to catch a break already lady

You know I'll listen whenever you need to vent, or think outloud

ps. So glad you kicked that self-absorbed "friend" to the curb. I always say, if friends or SO's are not enriching / benefiting to your life, they are wasting space.

[BlueInanna]

Thanks guys, yea I'm glad I've been trying to keep better boundaries with this friend and standing up for myself. But why do I still feel like **** being so blunt with her? Like I should've been able to stay calm and politely tell her what time it is? Is so conflicting being raised by a kind angelic southern belle mama and a dynamic bp drama daddy. I have both polarities in me. Friend just pushed me wrong place wrong time. And I feel horrible sending my son to bed sternly without hugs and love. But discipline was necessary, I can't let him misbehave like that. I feel bad I sent my mom and sis a crazy email about how doomed we are, mom sweetly emailed me back that she wants me and kids to keep living in her house here and seems to think we can save biz. But she's kinda older and heavily medicated and doesn't seem to see the gravity of the situation. She promised to work on her end of the bank loan app. I still have a small chance here to save biz, but we've been turned down for past 3 loans and I've got vendors on me all day long about past due. I don't know what's going to happen. If I could somehow have a miracle I'd like to save my biz I love. And I'm trying to sleep, been knocking myself out for past 5 nights with meds that just make me groggy. And now it's after midnight and I've taken Valium and ambien and still awake. I would check in to a hospital if they'd give me butt load of benzos and let me rest for just a week... But they're never like that.

[Victoria'smom]

blue I can't write right now but I will pm you later.

Time for an anxiety medication to be added to your schedule. Call and
ask for one, please.

Blue, what's the situation with your lawyers? Isn't it time to declare bankruptcy to
ease the stress on you? Am I guessing that your lawyers are looking for the government to be of assistance? Not a bad idea, at all.

Apply for disability if you need to. If your condition worsens, you might not be able
to manage the busniess. Your health is first; you need to get the vendors off your
shoulders and let the children know just what kind of difficulty you're having so
that they understand they need to co-operate. Assign some chores for them
after school to let them expend some of that excess energy they're building sitting
at their computers.

Don't bear the burden yourself alone, please. Share it--here, at home, and with
your mom.

If push comes to shove, living with your mom for a while so that you get oriented
again toward good health might be something to consider. If she's on medication,
chances are she's in much better shape than she was years ago.

Keep working with the lawyers; their ideas may be the best of all.
You're not going to be living in an automobile, so get that out of your mind, Blue.
You already have one offer and the solution is just around the corner. It always
is if we let it come.

Bankruptcy is no disgrace, and disability insurance may be helpful. You have to
have an income; and with bipolar staring you in the face now, you may qualify
with your psychiatrist's recommendation. Ask your lawyers' opinion on all the
alternatives. And ask them for alternatives. Being in an episode makes it difficult
for you to see other avenues of escape, but they're there.

Keep in touch.

I'm sorry Blue

So many people are caught up in their own mess that they literally cannot see someone in need right in front of them. Maybe your young son is picking up on the stress too.

I know in my situation I can keep a preety good juggling act going and balanced by my ADD meds, but I have learned recently that when life tosses a bunch of extra things at your juggling act, thengs start to fall. My anxiety takes over, I'll be exhausted yet not able to sleep, then the sleep deprivation really takes a toll.

Please lean on us here, vent away... I know I did a few months ago and PC helped me when I had nobody to talk to irl.

[faerie_moon_x]

Well Blue, I am sorry you are losing yuour business. It is a hard thing to lose. I know it is. I don't htink y ou're a failure, though. Running a business is very hard and keeping it floating is very hard. You made it 20 years. All of my aunts start these businesses and they can't even get them going. One aunt took over a very good and well known art store in tourist town where she lives. It ahd been there for years. After only 2 years of her running it she was done, bankrupted in the toilet. What happened? Clients are fickle.

Even if the business ends it is not a failture! You made it 20 years. Think of it more like an end. In the end all things have a cycle. And part of the cycle is death. But new beginnings come from an end. So, the end of the business, but something new will come from it. I am thinking about Iris right now, the Rainbow. Not sure why, but it is coming through to me and it applies to this somewho. I can't express it, though.

Okay, so then your friend. You don't need that. So, good you ended it. Sorry but true. Reminded me of my ex-best friend from childhood. The day my mom died she called me asked if I could sleep over. I said, "My mom died," and she said, "So?" That was the moment I knew she ws not really a friend. So, sometimes those moments come. I am better off without her. You are better off without someone taking yuour energy away right now.

Your son. Well, he is 11. Maybe his phase of pre-teen is coming. When both are calmer have a talke to him. I know my son who is six I am making him do more now and he's getting mad. Me and my husband making him get his own water, cereal, etc. My husband made him make his own cereal the other day. I got home and my 6 year old was trying to "tell on daddy" haha. He was shocked I agreed he's old enough to start doing this.

So, yeah. I'm rambling. But I feel what you mean. It's hard to see your baby suddenly calling you names and flipping you off. Sit and talk with him. I bet it was a misunderstanding.

[faerie_moon_x]

PS, government assistance isn't always forever. I was homeless and then we were on food stamps and medicade for 3 years. And now I am not any more. I went to school for 5 months to become a receptionist. And that got us out of it.

So, hope is there.

[Odee]

I couldn't keep reading this because it made me cry for how much I feel for you. I am sorry, Blue. ((((hugs))))

Every state should have non-profit organizations specifically designed to help women out in your situation. For example, in my state, there's a women's organization called Women Venture, which is a nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting women-owned businesses.

An organization like Women Venture could actually help you. I'm sure if you call them (they are located in St Paul) they could help you, no matter what state you live in.

What you're going through is hard for others like your female friend with the online dating problems to understand. Not necessarily because she's shallow (but she could be), but because she may feel helpless about how to help you. Or she could be shallow and simply doesn't consider you a close friend. It's time like these where we find out who our true friends are based on their ability to offer up emotional support or feel call to action in helping you resolve your situation.

Set aside your extreme thinking of bankruptcy and your life crumbling. Recognize that is how you react to stress. Take a deep breath. Call up Women Venture as a resource, no matter what state you live in, and ask them to help you either long-distance, or help connect you with a similar organization in your own city/state.

Hang in there. Now is the time for you to put your business savvy skills to use and brainstorm ways to find outside resources (state and city level) to help you with your failing business, finances, childcare, and medical care. Also, you may want to get in touch with your city's government center where they have social workers who help out single mothers like yourself.

[BlueInanna]

How do you know me so well ClearSky? Yes I go into catastrophic thinking as a reaction to stress too often, pdoc has talked to me about this too. I actually have some good coping skills and can deal with a lot, but sometimes it's all too much and I crumble into crazy time. Very good advice about Women Venture, I will check it out, thank you. I'm trying to power through this day, but I'm struggling, really struggling. I do have savvy business skills, yes I certainly do and I have accomplished much even if the biz fails.
Deep breaths, ok, I can do that. There is still hope I'm trying to tell my poor exhausted lonely brain nice things, and I am working and not in bed crying, so that is good. But brain is pretty overwhelmed and mushy this morning.

And the 1 lithium tab I took last night seems to be giving me some brain buzzes - nothing like cymbalta withdrawal, but noticable and not pleasant.

Thanks very much all for listening, care, advice, and I welcome any prayers and good thoughts from any belief from any part of the world.

[kimberly84]

im new to this I just want to say I just started lithium and haven't gained any weight yet but I found drinking a lot of water helps at least 64oz spread out in the day and before you eat drink a glass of water itll help you eat less I do 8oz I was worried about the weight thing too I hope that helps

[BlueInanna]

By the way, 11 yr old perfect behavior this morning, no swearing, hugged me goodbye before school. And 17 yr old swept and mopped floors last night on his own accord (yes the bp kid recovering from meth addiction). I must be doing something right?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

By the way, 11 yr old perfect behavior this morning, no swearing, hugged me goodbye before school. And 17 yr old swept and mopped floors last night on his own accord (yes the bp kid recovering from meth addiction). I must be doing something right?

Tell me how you did it. I want to get into mopping the kitchen floor on my own. Tell me your secret.

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

By the way, 11 yr old perfect behavior this morning, no swearing, hugged me goodbye before school. And 17 yr old swept and mopped floors last night on his own accord (yes the bp kid recovering from meth addiction). I must be doing something right?

_____________________________________________

Yep. They love you, Blue. Maybe they just happened to understand last night that things are in a difficult condition for you right now. They're growing up, finally.

Take care.

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Tell me how you do it. I want to get into mopping the kitchen floor on my own. Tell me your secret.

I could ask him LOL. I think he's just really bored being stuck at home up in the mountains all day and only doing independent studies. Also I think he's maturing and wants to help.

We just got out of his therapy appointment. He wanted me to join him this time so that was really good I got therapy also. She helped me wrap my head around some things and also just some good general venting. And it was good for bonding for me and my son.

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by kimberly84

im new to this I just want to say I just started lithium and haven't gained any weight yet but I found drinking a lot of water helps at least 64oz spread out in the day and before you eat drink a glass of water itll help you eat less I do 8oz I was worried about the weight thing too I hope that helps

Hi Kimberly welcome and thank you for the response
I've actually already tried lithium I took it for about 10 months last year and quit for the past five months. I did not gain any weight in the beginning, But then later I did gain a lot of weight. I drink tons of water. Oh well we'll see how it goes this time.

[~Christina]

Oh Blue Oh Blue

My heart just broke reading all this. You are getting hit from every side on every level. Reach out for every bit of help you can find... I am pretty certain you would qualify for more help than you could imagine. You oldest boy .. I mean WOW ... He is changing, changing for the good. You are a wonderful Mother. I know it is hard to think of the positives in your life, they are there just hard to see right now.

Hang in there and know that things happen for a reason, You have something wonderful that will come into your life.