[AeonDM]

I know how to live tomorrow when I live my today by being responsible for my behavior and follow my values of LIFE.

I affirm myself that even when my life has some form of madness, madness can not even begin to touch the core of my personality because I am human, a human with freedom to will.

I will therefore live the rest of my life by this code.

[tribalwolf]

Great post, nice Mantra; thank you.

The Wolf

[BlueInanna]

Refreshing perspective thanks

[AeonDM]

Who is my friend? Life

Who is my enemy? Death.

Who is my strong man? Bipolar.

Thank you, says bipolar, I now know of my purpose and duty.

[AeonDM]

Calling my madness bipolar is self defeating. It can never be cured.

I call my madness a strong man, my sub personality. I named him Christian. I will love him, care for him and nurse him back to health.

He will do wondrous things for him. I see a good future with him

I want a sub personality too! sounds like a good perspective to have. putting yourself first... while keeping an eye on the big picture. I like it!

[AeonDM]

I lost my online identity here. I have to come up with a new username, I can't think of any that identify me anonymously here, that have connection to me. I think it is important because it prevent me from being pretentious, happens a lot on forums.

ChristianDM, what does it means.
Christian - My wife is a christian. She loves me very much. I am practicing lovingness believing that one day I may be able to love her also, like she loves me.

DM - I am type 2 diabetes mellitus, my dark matter.

I'd like to thank all of you for your support here. Until I can come up with a new identity for here, I won't be posting any more.

[faerie_moon_x]

I had a feeling DM meant diabetes. I use that abreviation every day. But, you know, diabetes is like bipolar. It can cause you to be stronger to. Instead of fighting it, work with it. You can use it to become healthier physically just like taking care of your bipolar makes you healthier mentally. And, the two go hand in hand and will heal you as a whole.

I like your idea, of thinking of it as something that needs to be cared for instead of something that drags you down.

[Clinte89]

I like your thinking. I agree with dark living with it makes you stronger. Good job christianDm

thanks for that post.

very positive

[AeonDM]

I hate this new identity. I'll give myself some time and see if I can get used to it.

I have 3 friends.

Thor, my higher thoughts. He helps me to figure out my problems.
Ema, my deep emotions. She helps me to know and understand how I feels. She comforts me.
Christian, my strong man. He protects my house. He is also my war horse.

Therefore I can never be alone. I can never be lonely. For I have 3 friends and they are family.

[AeonDM]

Wife: Love you.
Me: Thank you.
Wife: Uh? Thank you?
Me: I am thankful for you loving me.

Hmm... Does her love for me includes my madness also? I need to find out.

[AeonDM]

Insecurity. I want to talk about my insecurity today.

I realized that reassurance from my wife makes insecurity more bearable. I told her that I need to know if she loves my madness also, my mad episodes. She said she couldn't the destructive things that I did, but she loves me. I asked her whether she loves me when I am depressed, when I am irritated, when I am angry...

We talked about love. She questioned the reason why I need to know, because I can't feel her love. I told her knowing and feeling are 2 different things. I am practicing lovingness. I believe in due time, I will feel. Knowing will leads to feeling and will develop my ability to love her, I believe.

I felt the pressure of insecurity relieved. What did I learn today? Assurance can help with insecurity.

[AeonDM]

Last night I slept 7 hours. Good, I am calming down.

Normal people. I want to talk about normal people today.

I was having my afternoon tea with my wife. I look at the people around me. People are chatting, laughing... I asked myself if any of them can understand me if they know of my madness. I don't think so. Maybe 1 in a million, possible? So in my daily living, people around me can't understand me.

What shall I do with this fact? Then I think, but I can understand them. I know I can. I can understand how they think, how they feel and what is acceptable to them. I realized that I do not need to get normal people to understand me in any relationships, be it friends or spouse.

To get along with normal people, all I need to do is to learn to empirically understand them.

Originally Posted by AeonDM

I know how to live tomorrow when I live my today by being responsible for my behavior and follow my values of LIFE.

I affirm myself that even when my life has some form of madness, madness can not even begin to touch the core of my personality because I am human, a human with freedom to will.

I will therefore live the rest of my life by this code.

thats pretty cool

[AeonDM]

I was telling my wife how I am doing the whole day.

I am acting up since yesterday. I want to go out at night, paint the town red. I am now mildly depressed, but still acting up. There is a need within me causing me to want to act up. I don't know what it is. I don't know what to do. Thor told me to stay calm. I can't seem to find a connection between calmness and acting up.

She says my Thor is real to her. "I am very amazed at his intelligence, how he leads you to the road of recovery and how he is always right," she says. Thor and Ema are not real. They are my imaginary friends. "They are real to me," she insists.

Later on...
"Tomorrow, I'll be home quite late," she says. Good, I am going to paint the town red tomorrow afternoon. "You are acting up again," She remarks as she gets ready for bed. She has a hectic day tomorrow.

I am feeling better now. Who knows maybe I don't need to slip into depression? Anything is possible. Life is a mystery.

[AeonDM]

Wife: Can you not just push the depression out of your mind?

Me: Can you remember a time that you are depressed?

Wife: Sometimes when I wake up feeling depressed, I just push it out of my mind and carry on with the day.

Me: You get better?

Wife: Yes

Me: Just imagine the depression you are talking, just imagine this time, there is nothing you can do to get out, you can't push it away. Just imagine you are going to get stuck in there, for a day, a week, a month, a year?

Wife: That is terrible.

Me: That's me.

[AeonDM]

How am I going to get my wife to know that Thor and Ema are not God manifesting to me in another form, that God has not left me in-spite. They are my imaginary friends.

If she is happy with that, I should also be happy for her sake. No point stirring up the hornet's nest.

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by AeonDM

Last night I slept 7 hours. Good, I am calming down.

Normal people. I want to talk about normal people today.

I was having my afternoon tea with my wife. I look at the people around me. People are chatting, laughing... I asked myself if any of them can understand me if they know of my madness. I don't think so. Maybe 1 in a million, possible? So in my daily living, people around me can't understand me.

What shall I do with this fact? Then I think, but I can understand them. I know I can. I can understand how they think, how they feel and what is acceptable to them. I realized that I do not need to get normal people to understand me in any relationships, be it friends or spouse.

To get along with normal people, all I need to do is to learn to empirically understand them.

How do we know we really understand anyone so well? After being a people watcher for most of my life I still have no clue who all these normal people are whi people always refer too. People are usually way more complex than what just lies on the surface for us to view. It seems like most people just don't put it all out there for everyone to see, but it's still there. They are all just people, extremely varied.

I have a very strong feeling that a lot of these so called normal people also feel like they are not understood. If we feel that, why not them as well ?

That is just my take on the normal people idea.

[AeonDM]

Understanding someone and understanding normal people are 2 different things.

"I have a very strong feeling that a lot of these so called normal people also feel like they are not understood. If we feel that, why not them as well ?"

It's 2 different things again. They don't feel like we do.

Few a days ago while I was having afternoon tea with my wife and a drunken man walked past. He was carrying a bottle of cheap liqueur in his hand. I noticed a table of females looking at him like some kind of mad man, mentally unstable. I recognized that look. A few seconds later, they went back to their conversations, enjoying themselves.

I told my wife, "look, It is so pitiful. Today is valentine day and he is drunk on broad day light. What is happening to him? What has happened? He looks so lonely."

"You are making me sad." She said, returning to texting on her iphone.

I told my wife if normal people has feelings in the scale of one to ten, I have the scale of plus twenty to minus twenty. I just have a problem of living in the scale of one to ten, quite numbed when in that scale, some say it is boring.

[Anika.]

Ahh no , cause I don't think normal people exist. So we kinda are not picking up what each other is putting down. People who you think are normal are not all the same as each other either. My bf has no mental dx but he would probably try to do something to help the homless man out and at least try to make him smile, and he would too wonder how he got there. He does stuff like that often.

The females could have just felt a tad unsafe .. normal female instinct, who knows what they were thinking or talked about afterwards. Maybe they talked about how troubeling it is and helpless. Or maybe they were judgemental as some people are.

I can say this, even some bipolars are like that as well. Not all bipolars are careing and empathetic. I have met some who were very judgmental and cold ..shallow whatever you want to call it.

Even bipolars don't think or feel the same. I do not always fit in here in thought or feeling.

What I mean as these normal people are just as varied as anyone else. They don't all think the same either. Everyone has there own problems or issues to deal with. I don't really know..maybe it's who we are exposed to also.

I used to feel like there was some great divide ..us and them. But the more I thought about it I just see everyone as just themselves. Whoever that might be, I am sure I don't always understand them as well. You say they don't feel how we feel, and maybe not, but I know some do. But how do they feel? Thing is I bet someone saw you out laughing and chatting at times, maybe they thought ahh he is pretty normal. Kinda like how you noted that and decided that about them.

Anyways that is why I said this is how I see it, I realize that people don't all see things the same and thats ok. Just for me it was helpful to take the dividing lines down. Because I was stigmatizing them as well. I for one would like to be seen as a being first, individual second and bipolar very last..that is not who I am it's only one part. It is not a good feeling to be seen as just a bipolar.

Anika, that helped me so much. I'm still struggling with being bipolar. I feel a shame about it. Most people that I've known think of PEOPLE with bipolar disorder as crazy. I myself when I'm manic have gotten out of control. I was just diagnosed 2 yrs ago. I've had many doc's say they thought I was but.....I knew that meant meds for life so I just thought hey it's just depression. The mania I was like, man leave me alone I need this.

Anyway that helped me realize (I still don't feel it deep down yet) I'm not a freak. I don't see other people with bipolar that way, btw only myself. Maybe it's the ptsd too......who knows. But thanks for that take the divider down, I like that.

[AeonDM]

Originally Posted by Anika.

Ahh no , cause I don't think normal people exist. So we kinda are not picking up what each other is putting down. People who you think are normal are not all the same as each other either. My bf has no mental dx but he would probably try to do something to help the homless man out and at least try to make him smile, and he would too wonder how he got there. He does stuff like that often.

The females could have just felt a tad unsafe .. normal female instinct, who knows what they were thinking or talked about afterwards. Maybe they talked about how troubeling it is and helpless. Or maybe they were judgemental as some people are.

I can say this, even some bipolars are like that as well. Not all bipolars are careing and empathetic. I have met some who were very judgmental and cold ..shallow whatever you want to call it.

Even bipolars don't think or feel the same. I do not always fit in here in thought or feeling.

What I mean as these normal people are just as varied as anyone else. They don't all think the same either. Everyone has there own problems or issues to deal with. I don't really know..maybe it's who we are exposed to also.

I used to feel like there was some great divide ..us and them. But the more I thought about it I just see everyone as just themselves. Whoever that might be, I am sure I don't always understand them as well. You say they don't feel how we feel, and maybe not, but I know some do. But how do they feel? Thing is I bet someone saw you out laughing and chatting at times, maybe they thought ahh he is pretty normal. Kinda like how you noted that and decided that about them.

Anyways that is why I said this is how I see it, I realize that people don't all see things the same and thats ok. Just for me it was helpful to take the dividing lines down. Because I was stigmatizing them as well. I for one would like to be seen as a being first, individual second and bipolar very last..that is not who I am it's only one part. It is not a good feeling to be seen as just a bipolar.

If this thinking works for you, good. There is this thing that I believe in, "Whatever works for you, works."

[AeonDM]

Last night I slept 9 f**king hours. I am still stressed and mildly depressed. Maybe my comfort zone has widened and because of that I don't feel I am actually quite depressed.

"Sometimes you sleep 3-4 hours and sometimes up to 12 hours. It's good if you can fix your sleeping hours like normal people," my wife said. Then I have to try meds again, I told her...

I stop living in right or wrong. I stop living in black or white. I stop caring what others believe or think, unless my life may be threatened by that someone. They are meaningless to me. If I attach meaning to what they think or believe, I'll end up living their lives. I'll be in trouble. I can only attach meaning to my own life, to live my life.

I remember this quote,
"What is meaningful to me is stupidity to another. Am I stupid?"
-ChristianDM

[AeonDM]

I remember the time when I stopped med, stopped counselling, I stopped counselling because I made them looked stupid to my wife. So I told myself, if nobody can help me, then I'll help myself. There is no harm trying. What is the worst that can happen, that I end up dead?

So I asked myself who am I. I don't know me. I walked to my memory lane to when all things are fine. I saw my happy me, when I was a kid. Was that me? Can I be me again?

That was the time I unknowingly begin a journey to recovery. I want to know who I am.
I asked myself how am I going to find out who I am. Observation. I began to observe people. I find out that what I thought and felt about people reviewed a little bit about me.

Am I going to recover? I don't know. I don't want to care. I just want to be a participant and enjoy the process of discovering who I am, who I can be. If I recover, that can be an unintended side effect. This is the meaning to my life, to discover who I am and who I can be.