can anyone advise me with this?

I am English living in a very remote area in the French alps. Seven or eight years ago I had a breakdown (not sure exactly when as I have a two year gap in my memory.) There were also other things at the same time like I have arterial sclerosis so I had to have stents put in and I was suffering from kidney stones.
Throughout this my wife was a rock. Held me for days as I cried telling her I just want to die. She stuck by me throughout it all.
I have been diagnosed bi-polar 1 rapid cycler.
two weeks ago I found out she has been having graphic cam sex with an ex colleague of hers for two years.
She blames my depression and that she needed some attention. Which I can understand to a point.
Our sex life over the last 3 years has been laughable and time and time again I asked her to help us change our relationship back to how it had been. Of course I didn't know she did have a sex life just not with me.
She was doing this in the house while I was in bed either at night or early morning. So now the only person I have in my life, the person who I trusted implicitly has betrayed me. I do not know what to do.
I don't take meds as I have tried pretty much every anti depressant on the market none worked apart from some unpleasant side affects. I saw a psychiatrist for 5 years but he was useless talked more about his own problems than mine. So I stopped seeing him last year. Depakote was the only thing that worked for me in levelling out my moods but it turned me into a zombie and killed the possibility of a sex life so after 4 years I weaned myself off them. Now I only take lysanxia and self medicate with pot and alcohol but not to excessive amounts.
I just don't know how to get over this and am thinking of suicide too much.
I just don't see the point in carrying on a life that is just abject misery.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, and also sorry that I have no advice, but couldn't leave your post unanswered.
Please look after yourself, take everything 1 baby step at a time, makes it less overwhelming.
Sending you some comforting cyber s if that's ok with you.

Thank you at least for replying I realise that giving advice on my situation isn't easy hence me asking for help. It is nice knowing someone cares.
Thank you.

You're most welcome
Are you safe? Not a danger to yourself? The sui thoughts I mean.... Are they still thoughts or plans? because if they are plans you need to tell someone and go somewhere safe.

I'm not medicated either, so its kind of hypocritical for me to say "call your pdoc, get back on your meds", but if you think it would help, then thats a definite suggestion. Meds helped me through a rough time (brother and dad died) but they weren't for me long term...

A therapist would be good I believe, to help you process, grieve and formulate a plan for moving forward.

it is entirely understandable that you feel devastated, anyone in your position would. two weeks is not long. it can seem interminable when you are in pain, but healing is a gradual thing, isn't it, but it can happen if you allow yourself to believe that improvement in your situation is possible.

i'm not seeking to minimise your suffering in any way but you cannot change what has happened, so it's time to consider your options, which might include telling your doctor about your suicidal thoughts, counselling, a real heart to heart with your wife or opening up to a trusted friend...there are also forums here for people like you who are suffering to the point that they feel hopeless.try the thing that gives you even a glimmer of hope and take it from there.

very best wishes.

Hello, Can't go on, and welcome to the forum.

Honestly, it seems to me that a lot of forgiving has to go on in your life
before your marriage might be able to sustain the pain you've gone through. The best way I know to do that is to ask for psychiatric help.

You need to talk to a specialist and find the way through therapy to forgive. You might also need medication to stabilize your emotions, because confronting all of the problems in your life might be painful,
as you suggest they already are.

You live in a beautiful section of the world, in my view. I hope you
will come through this and find a life of happiness.

I think in some ways your wife may have been throwing a guilt trip on
you by blaming you for her affair. That's nonsense on her part. She
had the affair because she lacked the restraint to maintain loyalty at
that time. Hopefully, she will get psychiatric help and learn how to
live a life filled with loyalty and respect.

I wish you the very best and hope you find an exellent psychiatrist; there are many very good ones out there, I think.

Thank you all for your kind replies, I cannot get to see a Psychiatrist at the moment and though I desperately do need to talk to one I can't for the next 6 weeks. My wife? works and I have no car as we had to get rid of it as we couldn't afford the insurance. I have an appt. with my regular doc next weekend. My wife has arranged for her to see a psychiatrist but the woman she has made it with will not see me as well. Though she is going to ask her to see me, I don't know if it will work.
I don't if I will last that long i am cycling on a daily basis at the moment and it is really hard to fight it.

Stress is a strong builder of acidity of tissues and fluids, Can't go on.

I squeeze two lemons into about 8 oz of water and drink it. If I'm not
better in 4 hours, I repeat the process. Usually, that's sufficient to calm
the feeling tone strongly.

The principle behind this is that the lemon, while it is high in citric acid,
is transformed in digestion into a very strong alkaline ash (or residue).
That helps to relieve the symptoms of excessive acidity and is very
helpful on occasion.

You might try it; it does work for some of us.

Thanks will try that. So desperate at the moment I will try anything.

remind yourself you can make good choices. no one can deprive you of that. a good choice is one that opens up the future, not one that closes it down.

you've faced rapid cycling before and you have come through. you can seek for ways to emerge from this stronger, hard though that may be to believe right now.

one small step at a time.

I want you to know that your wife's infidelity is not your fault and anti-depressants don't help without a mood stabilizer. Get the referral for a psychiatrist from reg. doc. It sounds like you want to work through this with your wife. If that is the case marriage therapy is a must ASAP. I'm sorry your going through this.

I am truly sorry about your pain and situation. I, too, wish I could give advice but I don't have any. I feel suicidal often so I know how that feels. I am often told that I need to get up and get involved in some thing like volunteer work. I am unable to do that now but maybe there is a support group or hobby to help you to cope for the time being. Good luck with this. Peace and blessings.