[Yesterdays]

I don't really know what I'm asking for here or why I'm posting this. I haven't been on this website in a really long time, but I just had to find somewhere where I could get some advice, or at least write down what I need to say, because I feel completely alone with this. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and I've been prescribed medication. But I don't take it. Every time I get around to deciding I probably should I'm usually in a depressive phase. But after I take the meds a couple times or before I even get around to doing that, I'm in a manic phase, and I feel like I don't need the pills.

I used to love my manic phases, and I didn't see how they caused any harm. But a couple months ago I hooked up with a guy online to have sex. I'd never met him before and I invited him to my house while my mom was gone. He was 23 and I'm only 17. And since then I've had sex 3 other times, also with guys that I met online. I've met them more safely, as in not inviting them to my house right away. But three months ago I'd only have sex once, with someone that I actually really liked. I'm not the kind of person that does this, at all. I know that it's wrong and I know I shouldn't do it. But I don't know how to stop. When I'm manic it's like I have absolutely no control over the decisions that I make. I can't think rationally and I do the most idiotic things.

I also haven't been to school in 3 weeks. I should be a senior in high school but I'm a junior due to being behind in credits because of absences. And since I'm still missing so much I'm dangerously close to failing the entire year, and then I'd have yet another year of high school. I'm thinking about dropping out, but who knows if I'm even stable enough to make that decision.

My life is a mess. For a really long time I had dreams about graduating high school and going to college to major in psychology so that I could become a psychologist and help people in similar situations as me. I love helping people, but how pathetic is it that I can't even help myself? I see myself ending up nowhere in life. I used to have goals and aspirations for myself. Now I'm probably going to drop out of high school and have a crappy, boring job for the rest of my life.

I hate being bipolar. I hate it more than anything. I know the easy solution is to take my pills. And eventually I probably will for awhile. But I won't stay on them forever. That's my pattern. I take them for awhile and then decide I don't need them, and then I'm a wreck again. It's happened so many times already. It's an endless cycle and that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm powerless against it. I just want it to go away, because I really don't know how to deal with this anymore. Nobody in my life understands what I struggle with. This illness or disorder or whatever it is is ruining my life. I really don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so ashamed of myself, not really for having the illness but for the decisions I've made and the things that I've done because of it. I feel like I'm such a freak. I just really hope someone understands.

[comicgeek007]

Originally Posted by Yesterdays

I don't really know what I'm asking for here or why I'm posting this. I haven't been on this website in a really long time, but I just had to find somewhere where I could get some advice, or at least write down what I need to say, because I feel completely alone with this. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and I've been prescribed medication. But I don't take it. Every time I get around to deciding I probably should I'm usually in a depressive phase. But after I take the meds a couple times or before I even get around to doing that, I'm in a manic phase, and I feel like I don't need the pills.

I used to love my manic phases, and I didn't see how they caused any harm. But a couple months ago I hooked up with a guy online to have sex. I'd never met him before and I invited him to my house while my mom was gone. He was 23 and I'm only 17. And since then I've had sex 3 other times, also with guys that I met online. I've met them more safely, as in not inviting them to my house right away. But three months ago I'd only have sex once, with someone that I actually really liked. I'm not the kind of person that does this, at all. I know that it's wrong and I know I shouldn't do it. But I don't know how to stop. When I'm manic it's like I have absolutely no control over the decisions that I make. I can't think rationally and I do the most idiotic things.

I also haven't been to school in 3 weeks. I should be a senior in high school but I'm a junior due to being behind in credits because of absences. And since I'm still missing so much I'm dangerously close to failing the entire year, and then I'd have yet another year of high school. I'm thinking about dropping out, but who knows if I'm even stable enough to make that decision.

My life is a mess. For a really long time I had dreams about graduating high school and going to college to major in psychology so that I could become a psychologist and help people in similar situations as me. I love helping people, but how pathetic is it that I can't even help myself? I see myself ending up nowhere in life. I used to have goals and aspirations for myself. Now I'm probably going to drop out of high school and have a crappy, boring job for the rest of my life.

I hate being bipolar. I hate it more than anything. I know the easy solution is to take my pills. And eventually I probably will for awhile. But I won't stay on them forever. That's my pattern. I take them for awhile and then decide I don't need them, and then I'm a wreck again. It's happened so many times already. It's an endless cycle and that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm powerless against it. I just want it to go away, because I really don't know how to deal with this anymore. Nobody in my life understands what I struggle with. This illness or disorder or whatever it is is ruining my life. I really don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so ashamed of myself, not really for having the illness but for the decisions I've made and the things that I've done because of it. I feel like I'm such a freak. I just really hope someone understands.

I understand. You're not a freak, but if you were, I would be too. I'm also 17, and though I haven't had sex, I've tried drinking with friends to combat my depression, I've exercised until I literally passed out and started hallucinating while manic. I've recently developed bulimia and when I'm depressed I hate myself more than anything.

I got into college riding on the manic high of my senior year, but now between symptoms and meds, it's hard for me to go to class. I've strained any real life relationships I have with suicidal/self harming thoughts and behaviors and out of control hyperness. I just thought today in a brief moment that I may never finish college.

[liveforfish]

Take the meds and get better. I've been maintained for many many years. Life is much better on them.

It's very common to be over sexed while manic.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Yesterdays

I don't really know what I'm asking for here or why I'm posting this. I haven't been on this website in a really long time, but I just had to find somewhere where I could get some advice, or at least write down what I need to say, because I feel completely alone with this.

Have you tried support groups? For bipolar people, or, perhaps, for teens with mental health issues in general?

You would not be so alone.

Originally Posted by Yesterdays

I'm diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and I've been prescribed medication. But I don't take it. Every time I get around to deciding I probably should I'm usually in a depressive phase. But after I take the meds a couple times or before I even get around to doing that, I'm in a manic phase, and I feel like I don't need the pills.

You cannot determine if the medications help you if you only take the meds a couple times. It is impossible. You will never learn whether they help you.

You need to open an account on Optimism Online and track the moods and how you take the medications, and hopefully you will be able to see some patterns.

Originally Posted by Yesterdays

But a couple months ago I hooked up with a guy online to have sex. I'd never met him before and I invited him to my house while my mom was gone. He was 23 and I'm only 17. And since then I've had sex 3 other times, also with guys that I met online. I've met them more safely, as in not inviting them to my house right away. But three months ago I'd only have sex once, with someone that I actually really liked. I'm not the kind of person that does this, at all. I know that it's wrong and I know I shouldn't do it. But I don't know how to stop. When I'm manic it's like I have absolutely no control over the decisions that I make. I can't think rationally and I do the most idiotic things.

Well... you first had sex with a guy inviting him, a perfect stranger, to your house. Then, you started meeting people more safely. So I would not say that you totally "cannot think rationally" and totally "have no control over the decisions that you make" - somehow you were able to graduate from meeting strangers in your house to doing things more safely. So you should give yourself some credit for this and build on this positive experience.

Also, why cannot you go back to having sex with the person whom you actually really liked? That would be rational - more rational than meeting yet more random people. If you liked him, great, unless he objects.

Originally Posted by Yesterdays

I'm thinking about dropping out, but who knows if I'm even stable enough to make that decision.

You should not be making this decision alone. You are right suspecting that you might not be stable enough for making such a decision, but even for a stable teenager, it is too big of decision to make alone. Is there a school counselor who knows of your bipolar?

Originally Posted by Yesterdays

I hate being bipolar. I hate it more than anything. I know the easy solution is to take my pills. And eventually I probably will for awhile. But I won't stay on them forever. That's my pattern. I take them for awhile and then decide I don't need them, and then I'm a wreck again. It's happened so many times already. It's an endless cycle and that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm powerless against it.

No, you are not powerless. You need to start taking pills and put a reminder in your calendar - say, a quarter from today - and until you get the email reminder from the calendar, just take the pills and DO NOT MAKE ANY MORE DECISIONS. Just take them and in a quarter, assess whether they are helping you at all. Do report side effects to the prescribing doctor and stop or reduce the dosage if you must, but do not stop just because you have changed your mind. You say that you you cannot think rationally - so, start thinking rationally. Rationally, you cannot determine if the medications help you unless you have taken them for a while, observing yourself. If you keep stopping and restarting at whim, you will never learn if they help you. People also sometimes need to go from one medication to another until they find the right fit.

Originally Posted by Yesterdays

This illness or disorder or whatever it is is ruining my life. I really don't know what to do anymore.

People who have exhausted their options say that they do not know what to do anymore. You have not even tried doing anything for yourself.

Originally Posted by Yesterdays

I'm so ashamed of myself, not really for having the illness but for the decisions I've made and the things that I've done because of it.

There is no point in being ashamed, although it is hard to will yourself into not feeling ashamed. But there is no point.

There is a point in trying the medications for a sufficient length of time, going to support groups, practicing safer sex (I do not just mean condoms, technically, but also not meeting new people in unsafe settings, and, again, if you could go back to having sex with the person whom you really liked, that would be best), making sure you have the support for the school counselor as you go through the decision making process with respect to potentially dropping out of HS, etc. There is a point in doing those things.

[ultramar]

I relate very much to feeling alone with this and the regret of past actions when manic. But the shame you mention can be a destructive emotion, I hope you can try to turn that shame into regret --as in, I wish I hadn't done that, but it doesn't reflect on me as a whole person, doesn't make me a 'bad' person.

It's an endless cycle and that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm powerless against it.

Although it's understandably very difficult, you are not powerless over this. You know you need to take the medications, it sounds like you know they will help you get out of these awful cycles.

Please think of ways to help yourself take them on a daily basis. Maybe a trusted friend can remind you (if you've shared your diagnosis with someone and you would feel comfortable with this).

I don't have a problem with not wanting to take them, per se, but I do forget sometimes. I have a daily reminder in my Outlook, I put my morning pills out by my coffee maker, and I have another Outlook reminder to put my night pills out where I hang out at night so I'll see them and remember to take them. I don't know if these sorts of things will help you.

Maybe you can make a list of pros and cons (when not manic) of taking the meds and in doing so will realize that the pros far outweigh the cons in your case.

I wish you the best!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ultramar

Maybe you can make a list of pros and cons (when not manic) of taking the meds and in doing so will realize that the pros far outweigh the cons in your case.

I do not think that Yesterdays can do that - the pros part, to be exact, because he does not have any data to go off of.

Originally Posted by Yesterdays

But after I take the meds a couple times or before I even get around to doing that, I'm in a manic phase, and I feel like I don't need the pills.

So he does not have a list of pros, but he does have have a list of cons, so he needs to start collecting a list of cons (if they apply to him in the case of the currently prescribed medications). Yesterdays cannot know, ex ante, whether there would be pros to outweigh the cons.

The only way to collect a list of pros and cons is by trying to take the medications regularly. No, not on faith, not believing that they would or would not help, but just in a calm manner as a data collection exercise.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I do not think that Yesterdays can do that - the pros part, to be exact, because he does not have any data to go off of.



So he does not have a list of pros, but he does have have a list of cons, so he needs to start collecting a list of cons (if they apply to him in the case of the currently prescribed medications). Yesterdays cannot know, ex ante, whether there would be pros to outweigh the cons.

The only way to collect a list of pros and cons is by trying to take the medications regularly. No, not on faith, not believing that they would or would not help, but just in a calm manner as a data collection exercise.

More specifically, since he hasn't taken them, potential pros -according to what his psychiatrist told him, research, whatever.

[BlueInanna]

What meds are you prescribed and do you have a trusted therapist? I have sex and drug related regrets from hypo/mania too . I took lithium for some time and it helped pull me out of a depression and quelled the desires for unhealthy sex and drugs. I still had swings on the meds, but gave me time to reflect and learn some coping and learned to better rationalize. So I had some similar behaviors and improved now off the lithium. I hope you can get to feeling more balance soon.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ultramar

More specifically, since he hasn't taken them, potential pros -according to what his psychiatrist told him, research, whatever.

Yeah, since the reactions are all idiosyncratic - both intended effects and side effects - you cannot predict them until you have tried. There is not much you can do with the fact that Lithium helps a high enough percentage of patients (that fact you can definitely get from research) unless it personally helps you.