Everything is Wrong.

I don't know guys....

I'm sleeping, and I'm not sleeping. Eating but not eating. So excited for life but I want to not even exist.

Talking so fast and then I can't even form a sentence sometimes. I just feel like crying. I feel so out of control. I have no control.

I go see the social security psych, so he can evaluate my situation tomorrow. And I just feel like he might throw me inpatient, and I have things I need to do, like college finals this week.

lol. I think I understand now. Everything is wrong. and that's why i'm WrongEverything. I get it, for the moment.

F**k. That is all.

Hang in there. If you can finish out the semester do it. Get the help you need, the see saw says it-------------I know the feeling...

You sound mixed to me. Hang in there. I hope your meeting goes well today.

Yeah mixed is probably the right way to describe it.

I don't know whether I've lost control or just given in to bipolar.

A bit of both I think.

I gotta get ahold of myself.

No, a mixed episode is not an uncommon thing. I have them a lot really. It's the feeling of both mania and depression together. For example, I have racing thoughts, pressured speech, feeling like I'm racing inside, with extreme irritability, can cry at the drop of a hat, and tons of agitation, no concentration, just feels like someone is shaking me really hard on the inside. I feel like this so much I will say I feel "more manic," or "more depressed," because probalby 95% of the time I feel both. It's exhausing.

You should tell your T or pdoc. I would tell mine if I had any.

This is exactly me! Often when I am like this, it's just me and my kids. They must think, "mom's a lunatic"...

Mixed states can be very scary because you're volitile. They can be dangerous. My advice is if you have help, don't be afraid to reach out. I would if I had help available for me.

My problem is that once I start "spinning up" I cant stop. I cant control it and I perseverate until its over. Unpredictable is an understatement and there are so many triggers that I cant even name them all. I'm angry, sad, and anxious all at the same time. I know what I am doing, I just cant control myself.

Yes, this sounds exactly like what happens when I have an episode. Sometimes I feel like I'm seperate from myself. Like part of me is watching from a distance, a quiet observer of the hurricane.

After it's over I always feel physically like crap, too. Like my brain has been scrambled and my organs have been rearranged. It's a powerful force, I think. Like the whole nervous system is going haywire and once it's over you can still feel the shock running through you.