[notALICE]

and not about the lotto this time

My Pdoc put me on Vistaril (I think same as Atarax, not Ativan)...

I've had the most vivid dreams. Nice, beautiful dreams, mostly all about my kids when they were little. Not a lot of nonsensical weird stuff. Problem is I wake up, and cry. I feel such a loss. Part of my "story" is my ex took my kids to Alaska and I didn't see them for 8 years. Those years started my drinking years. I did not think I would ever win if so didn't fight, had me believing I was worthless, etc... I know, ball of pity... Anyway, so I wake up and know they aren't little and I can never ever get that time back. Makes me want to sleep more. Putting the past behind can haunt you, and not just in your dreams. (Current custody case I am fighting for, tooth and nail, for the 11yo).

It's hard to stay in the now.

At least I'm dreaming. I didn't for almost 4 straight months manic & I think it's important.

Have you ever quit smoking on the patch & left it on overnight? Those are dreams I'd not want to revisit. Ugh! Vivid & freaky!

I have always been fascinated by dream interpretation. Lots of books, sites on the Internet.

Thanks for listening to me blather...

In closing, gotta share because I love the song, not narcissistic (or haven't been given that Dx yet haha), for those who care to listen:

[faerie_moon_x]

Yes, that is very painful to live through. I wasn't able to see my oldest son for over a year when my ex took him in the divorce. I became homeless and had to move to another state where someone offered me a place to live. My ex got my son, and he's had full custody ever since. Just after he turned 3 until after he was 4 years old, I didn't see him at all. Went from stay-at-home mom 24/7 to nothing.

I remember for the first 3 months thinking some judge was going to review my case and say "Wait a minute, this is not justice!" And be like a super hero swooping in. That didn't happen, of course. Finally I was able to reconcile enough with my dad that I was able to return. Otherwise, I would have never seen him again. But, I left a toddler and came back to a pre-schooler. Kids grow so fast in those years, it was surreal. Even now, I always have this errie feeling my baby is still floating around in my house somewhere, and the little boy that comes to visit is like a bait and switch. It hasn't been an easy thing to get over.

So, yeah. I know how painful that is.

[HabitualQuitter]

OMG, I cannot imagine my husband turning into an abuser and taking my children!! I wish I could crawl into my phone and hug you. That, to me, is one of the deepest tragedies I could face. It's just unnatural for a mother not to have her babies And did he really have to move to Alaska? Geez, overkill huh?

Im on vistaril 50mg 4x daily but really it's PRN. I'm using it to get to sleep (like 200mg) at night while I wean off of this Seroquel (I'm almost done with that BTW ).

Anyway, the dreams are more pleasant than any I've had in a long time. Seroquel = nightmares, Ambien= acid trip type dreams, Stephen King would PAY me for this stuff! Restoril = no dreams at all. I've noticed though since Im not sedated by the Seroquel (down to 200mg at bed) and 50-200mg (just depends) Vistaril my dreams are SO sexual in nature! This would naturally be kind of fun except it's always with someone extremely inappropriate! Like one of my teen boys from the youth group I volunteered with for 2yrs before I quit last Nov (when I cut my dreads off I kind of quit everything out of shame and embarrassment). I hate these dreams. They are fun and wild but I wake up feeling guilty, like I chose to dream it, or like somehow it's this deep hidden fantasy which makes me want to vomit. But I lost my virginity at 13 and "could have any guy I wanted" for years.

All that to say I can commiserate just in my own effed up way, and I didn't mean to hijack your thread.

Love that song "Dream a Little Dream of Me". It's nice to know someone who knows the "oldies".
I like all her songs, as well as that of Mel Torme, Mama Cass, Peggy Lee, the big bands, the
old Philharmonic symphony under the leadership of Leonard Bernstein--especially Christmas specials.

I can't imagine the horror of having your little children taken by someone who thought
you were worthless. You know, I'm sure that when people judge others, they are
really revealing themselves, not anything about you or someone else.

You've been a courageous woman and I admire your strength. I hope you win custody of the 11 year-old. I don't know how you've managed the grief of the loss of little ones. I'm sure I would have had to be institutionalized for life if that had happened to me.

What's happening to you now in the dreaming bit is probably a side effect of one or
more medications. I hope you're able to get that adjusted with your psychiatrist.
(Zyprexa is noted for causing vivid technicolor and unpleasant dreams, but you're not taking that
one. Maybe one of the ones you're taking has similar ingredients to Zyprexa.)

Take care.

[notALICE]

The worthless part, that was me, and I guess him too. He didn't want a divorce. He did it to hurt me when I remarried, I never would have if I thought for one moment he would take our kids. And I lost that marriage (not a biggie) but almost my life to alcohol, later. I totally relate Dark - my kids were my *everything*. I was a stay at home mom, wrote websites back then. I had parenting page for mom tips, hundreds of fun stuff. I had no idea who I was: a motherless mother? They were my center. We had lost our very first son due to premature birth. He died in my arms a few days later. While I experienced that loss, I can't say if it helped or not. At least I knew (when he let me talk to them) they were ok. Speaking of grief...

I'm also grieving, I think for my son moving recently. The little sh---- who was non med compliant, and stole, lied, disrespected me said, the night he left, his last words. "Have drink mom. Just get drunk". I think I've said I've been sober for 5 years & counting, but oddly enough I miss that little boy now 18yo kid. He stole my cell phone, wiped the crucial court case data for the fight for the 11yo. He knew what was on there, knew it was mine and sold it. Anyway, after he left we found he also stole the RAM to his 11yos laptop, and much more. I worry about him crashing & burning. I worry about drugs & alcohol, which all signs indicate. I can't do anything to help him.

Now the 11yo I already have custody of. Her "father" had *nothing* to do with her until I had to file for state medical in 2011 & they had to have his info. He hired a high priced attorney and is trying to get out of whatever he can, and get her when ever he can. All the dad glory, none of the responsibility. He claimed her on his 2011 taxes when he had only just met her. Tax fraud. anyone else who might have read similar posts knows I loathe the guy.

Maybe my dreams will help me let go. I have to stop holding on to the pain, (let go of the pain, not the experience) it has no purpose except one - like just what you did Dark, share it with another to help ease her pain. thank you

And thank you too HQ

Now genetic, for you & everyone, playing on my iPod now:

Oh, yes, love the Beatles, too, and Johnny Mathis--remember him?

You have had your share in life, Not Alice, and I hope things will improve rapidly for you.
The eighteen year-old son is going to have to learn the hard way, I suppose. And you're
right that you can do nothing for him at this point. You must take care of yourself
so that the 11 year-old is protected.

I hope you worked the AA 12-step program in remission of alcohol. I'm using their
theories to get control of a sugar sensitivity-- closely related, I understand, to alcoholism. We've all had our share here, I guess, but we're hanging in. You do, too, please.

Take care.

[HabitualQuitter]

No words

((((((((((notALICE))))))))))

[notALICE]

Hey - we all have our share of stories, but you know what??? I have never been suicidal, consciously anyway, because I'm too curious - what happens next...and I mean in my living life now, not life after death. It seems I've already had so much happen, almost like different "lives" within my own life & certainly my share of lots and lots of joy too

Maybe hot stove theory? Pain seems easier to recall? IDK I just know for me to wallow in it brings great despair upon myself that is needless and harmful. And that shows me I'm not working "my steps". Spiritual (not religious) program. Best thing I can do to get out of wallow? Help another and on my way to do that now to pick a friend up for a BDSA meeting.

(((((((((((((((((HQ)))))))))))))))) back atcha with a big smile

Yes I know Mathis. My parents are baby boomers - is it gen x for 70's kids? Or am I way off? I've have eclectic taste in music.

Well, I'm a good bit older than you. I'm from the age of Ella Fitzgerald the artist with
perfect pitch; Bing Crosby, etc. Their work is classic, though, so wouldn't be surprised
to learn that someone on the PC Forum has heard of them.

[Tamster]

[notALICE]

Originally Posted by Tamster

Perfect one too! I love that song!