I put my foot down

With youngest's dad. He fell off the wagon and can't speak without slurring. Can't comprehend that our son just broke his arm.
Instead he talked about getting beat up and is scared for his life homeless. Can he stay here for 1 week while he takes meds and sobers up?
Nope.
We've been done for 9 years. I've raised kids on my own.
This is really hard for me saying no - so hard that I'm posting about it.
But my plate is full. I can't fix or take care of him. In the past, I e tried to help and it always goes bad. Why such anxiety when I know it's what I have to do? Saying no...

You sound very strong and have firm boundaries. The fact that you feel a twinge of sympathy only shows what a good person you are. Stay strong and we are here for you.

Helping him only hurts him. He has to hit bottom before he wants to change his life. Stick to your guns and keep posting if you get wavery. I would also maintain a ' no contact 'with him...meaning no knocking on the door asking to come in and no calling you or son for awhile. Also alanon helps.

I admire your strength BlueIanna! I know some part of you feels bad and like you are saying NO to him, but in truth, you are just saying YES to yourself. Your kids need you and it is hard to be whole for them if you have someone around who sucks your energy. It is far more difficult to care for yourself and your own boundaries when you are such a kind person. Good for you for not going down the same path you have before... (here is some ice cream for you...it makes everything a little better)

Yeah u can't have that around ur kids. Just stick to your guns. Think about the kids if nothing else. I know it's hard but u can do it!

I'm thinking of you.

You did the right thing C I like middlepaths train of thought Its hard to say no when someone reaches out, especially someone who used to be an important fixture in our lives, but dammit sis its time we learn to say yes to ourselves!

Don't feel bad, you did nothing wrong. Your plate is filled, 2 sons, each with a broken arm (among other stuff) and now your ex wants you to play nursemaid to him and provide shelter while he drys up? No. No. No. He's not your responsibility.

The other major things happening in your life, you didn't invite them to happen, and they are more than enough to contend with without consciously inviting extra issues to sleep on the couch for a while...

You did good hon improved boundaries are a postive step

I agree with everyone !

I am so damn proud of you !!!!!!

Thank you all! So I thought I had that fire put out... but my older son asked me last night if M could come over... OMG batrastard called my son and worried him!

So this was really hard, my son wants to help him, considers him his dad, says he would do anything he can to help him.

I said I'm sorry I already told him no. He pushed it a bit (I'm going lord help me explain this to my son). I said I do want to help him too, but he can't come here, we've tried this several times and remember it turning ugly every time with all 4 of us (me and the 3 children) all having to yell at him to get the heck off our property? I already said no, I'm sorry honey.

And I walked away. That was really hard. But it's the right thing. And older son did not get mad at me or go against my word.

So that fire is out. For now... So much anxiety still though. Fear that I'll cave. But I'm staying strong at the moment. Breathing...

Try going 'No Contact' for awhile. It will safe guard all of you. Having contact with him is only hurting you and your children. It causes anxiety. He has to get his self together before he can come around.

I had to do this 2 years ago and it was the hardest thing I had to do because it was with my drug addicted 18 year old. He chose to move out. But he wanted to move back in still while still on drugs, and hanging out with gang members and not open to following any rules. He was on the street but for my husband and my own protection I had to say no when he decided he wanted to come home yet still lead the life of a dealer. After 2 months he hit bottom and got better on his own without my help.

I was a wreck for months, obsessed with getting him better and having him back home but I could not save him bc he didn't want help. He got help on his own and is clean and doing great now...starting freshman in college and full time job.

But during the time he was using and drinking I was crazed. And I went to tons of alanon and I followed what they suggested and it worked. I had to let go and go 'no contact' to save my sanity.

I am powerless over people, places and things but I have power over my own choices for a healthy lifestyle and safety.

I am No Contact with him while he's drinking. He knows this, but still tries. I don't plan to try a discussion with him to say don't contact my older son. It would turn into me engaging, and backfire, giving him more reason to contact my older son. My son is smart and will tire listening to ex step dad's slurring babble. But I can control that he won't speak to me or our 11 year old son until he is sober.

I'm proud that you stood your ground C, and also very proud of Jnr who readily respected you decision. He really has matured so much in a short time. Kudos to both of you