If you could press a button...

I'm pretty sure my pdoc changed my dx from BP 2 to 1 (whatever, it's still bipolar so yeah...)...but anyway, if I could press a button and be cured, I would in a heartbeat. Bipolar has caused so much stress and awfulness in my life that I wish almost everyday that I didn't have to live with it.

My bipolar 1 has caused the following:

7 inpatient hospitalizations
2 suicide attempts (both of which were VERY close calls)
An immeasurable amount of stress for my family
Tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills due to being intermittently uninsured
Hundreds of thousands in lost wages due to being unable to work
Long gaps on my résumé which make it nigh impossible to find a job in the current economic climate
The loss of several close friendships and a long-term relationship

...

Yeah, I'll take that cure, please. Preferably the retroactive one that will undo all that mess.

My pdoc said once that I have bipolar I (though I think that is only because I've experienced psychosis during an upswing; my "manias" are pretty mild otherwise.) I'm not sure if I would accept a cure. If I could go back in time to the point of onset, and re-live my life from there, I would do it. I could have a normal adolescence, friends, maybe even a boyfriend or girlfriend, be a mature individual, feel truly alive and human...

BUT, if the cure would only be from this point forward, I would not do it. Bipolar has shaped so many aspects of my life that I can't imagine life without it. Also, the episodes have been so traumatizing that even if I never became manic or depressed again, I still would be psychologically damaged. I am doing well on my meds, and have essentially been cured of depression. That is good enough for me! I like being bipolar; it connects me to some really awesome people like you guys! Neurotypicals are boring. :P

I would push the button.

I know what I'm like between episodes, and even what's somewhere deep beneath the chaos when I am in an episode. I'm good with being that person -but better. Without the medications and all of their side effects (I think I would have a more consistent and higher level of energy overall, better memory, lots of things), I wouldn't have the guilt and humiliation of post-episodes, I'd be able to work on my psychological issues without episodes derailing the process, my relationships would be less unpredictable (changing radically with episodes). I wouldn't be overly suspicious morphing into paranoid, which is horrific. Etc.

I'd include depression here, but I've been relatively stable with that for years now; if it weren't for the medication I'm on, I certainly would be shouting from the rooftops that I do not want that no matter what.

When I'm going into mania, before I become manic, I do get (or *feel* I am) hyper-intelligent, quick-witted, spontaneous, etc. --good things, but at the end of the day, I can't be sure if this is how I perceive myself only and others think I'm just annoying and nuts or if some people are attracted to this (I think sometimes some people are). But if this could be cured, maybe I would be like that sometimes, but be like that in such a way as for me still to be conscious of my surroundings and what's going on with myself and others and it wouldn't get so out of control. I may be 'fun' in some ways when I'm like that, but I am also incapable of *true* (only heightened, otherworldly) connection with other people. When it's over it tends to leave me feeling lonely, amongst other things, I don't want that.

I don't want to be so out of control, or have the fear of becoming out of control -the fear of another episode. If I were 'cured' then, well, there's nothing wrong with some chaos, some 'craziness' but I'd opt for a more controlled chaos, one I could truly benefit from, one that doesn't get away from me and control the situation -and me.

I want to be cured.

I've said no. It's too much a part of who I am, and I'm not sure how much would be changed by curing the bipolar. I certainly never want to go to the extremes that I have in the past, but I'm hopeful that with medication I won't have to. *fingers crossed*

As long as the medication continues to give me a certain degree of stability, then I will accept little ups/downs and craziness. It keeps life interesting.

I would not press a button, no. Would I try to cure it myself.. yes. Bipolar may have helped shaped me but I don't think curing myself at this stage in the game would take my past with it. So many things in life have shaped who I am and a lot of them are not pleasent, I can move forward and grow and don't have to keep experiencing them all repeatidly to do that. I have plenty of depth and creativity without bipolar or with it, bipolar doesn't sum up the whole of my depth, mind or heart.

But maybe cure is the wrong word for me, overcome it.. sure, don't want to have to just cope, just want to learn how to live contently at all times. Neither depression or mania brings me peace. I'm good with a calm flow. I have been stable for quite some time ( without meds cause meds certainly did not bring out the real me nor anything that should be considered normal in my case) and I have found that nothing has really changed about who I am except for the quality of living I have gained. I have not become some boring shell or shallow. I can now say I actually am in love with being. I get to enjoy it now more than ever.

BP 1

One thing I guess I notice is that there is so much beauty, creativity, passion, and compassion, spirituality etc in this world, I dont see Bipolar as a one up for that. There are far to many sources we can develop and cultivate those traits or gifts from, bipolar or not. I have a hard time accepting that I have to keep bipolar around to experience a deep, vivid and rich life. Bipolar is only one door out of many.

I feel as if i would like to be rid of my bi polar, but i also need the help/attention.... maybe thats part of my bi polar talking though....

i've been on this rollercoaster for so long that i just wanna give up, still havent figured out my meds right because after i was doing good for so long i'm going through MIXED phase.... i just wish there was something out there to help, but i want people to still like me...

i dont want to be labeled though either so that SUCKS... well thats my rant i dont know if i made any sense who knows, oh well i guess