Just Existing, Not Living, Wasting Years

That's how I normally feel but right now I'm hopeful.

I'm feeling hopeful too, I realize its all about stolen moments and if I can enjoy a few laughs with someone I care about, it gets me through the roughest times.

I have been feeling this way a lot also, and I'm fighting the "ugh, oh well" attitude that just loves to accompany it.

That's so hard to fight isn't it? I wish I could just tell myself to shut up and get on with it and pick myself up out of the rut. But I just tell myself let me lie down and sleep and all my problems will go away. But then I wake up to a new day and I feel like I'm just wasting time. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

What if this is as good as it gets?

If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it.

People need constant stimulation - more than reliability and repetition.
100% of people die. You only get one shot at this.

Introspect what you would want to change about you life at the moment that would possibly result in some adrenaline action satisfaction!

I am learning to shoot at a shooting range and I am working on a goal to buy a aprilla. I want to go on rallies. I am a metal enthusiastic and make plans to go to as many festivals. at the moment that makes me happy.

i read the other day : Always be grateful for the live you have, somewhere someone is dreaming to have the live you have.....

Like transcientsoul I too would not be upset if I never woke up again,, not into pain not susicidal just tired ...

At the moment I am very much just existing. I am so glad you made this thread, I was going to make one similar and I am glad to see I am not alone. (Not glad that we are all suffering but it is comforting to know I am not unusual).

I have so much I want to do, but no motivation or willpower to make myself do it. I dont feel depressed as such, its like physically I am, but mentally I'm ready to go (not everyday but today I am). I know the meds are sedating but I dont know how much of this is meds making me tired and how much is me just not pushing myself enough. I know sitting here on the computer is not helping me, but I cant seem to drag myself away. Its not like this every day but it is a lot of the time.

I know the feeling well. Life continues on but seems empty and meaningless. There is nothing that I can do to improve my state of health.

Hi PlatinumHeart,

Wow can I relate you! Of course I can only speak for myself, but I'm under the impression that what you're experiencing is the misery of depression. Perhaps you can relate that when you're not depressed, when you're somewhere between normal (what ever that is) and hypo-manic, everything is inspiring! Oh when I'm happy I'm looking close at bumble bees and marveling at their fuzzy vibrating lives, I'm hungry for the book in my backpack and while I'm reading I'm highlighting more things than I'm leaving alone, I want to learn how that EKG machine works, and so on, and so on. I'm so curious! And then... when the depression hits me it's like being dragged kicking and screaming again into that cave of misery which I know so well; It's that place where all food tastes like newspaper, every color is grey, and it may as well be pouring rain all over me, in fact I might feel better for it. With depression I'm blasting my mind away with computer games and just hanging on with tortilla chips and YouTube videos until that unknown time when my Lamotrigine will make a difference or God knows what...

My life is on hold until my treatment works. I've tried everything. Everything. I've tried cycling 20 km. a day, getting my wake/sleep rhythm on lock-down, eating well, journaling, psychotherapy, incense, yoga, kung fu, you name it... nothing works. Depression is my cellmate.

I empathize with you so much. I think what we're experiencing is the disease. Good luck with your treatment plan. Keep it up. It's the only thing that seems to make sense. I've been in therapy since I've been in the 3rd grade. I have so many aspirations, but my depression is like a 1 ton weight chained around my ankle. I'm confidant that psychiatry/pharmaco-therapy will ease our suffering, along with all of the other things we have to do, like washing our dishes and all the rest of the stuff that's such a drag to do when depressed.

Keep your spirits up my friend. Often we must fight for every smile, but damn it I will fight for every one that I can get.

Thanks for all those who replied. I am so glad I am not alone in my thinking. HKlove, I am trying to go along with the treatment plan, but I can't seem to battle the depression. It drags me down, keeps me in bed, not wanting to go out into the world.

I wish I could battle this better. That I had the weapons to beat my mind at its own horrible game. This is my life we are dealing with and I just feel like I am losing. I even quit my job because I couldn't fight any more.

I just want to break free. Be normal. Go out and do things. Be a part of society. It doesn't seem like that is in the cards for me though. I feel like I am stuck here in "this" place of darkness.

I have affirmation cards all over my wall, I try to say them, I try goals, but I have my kids every other week, when they leave to go to their dads I just don't feel like I have a reason to get out of bed. When their at school, I just want to sleep, im very lonely !!!!!!!!!!!! I am completely miserable, tried finding volunteer stuff, set goals of things to do, wrote do lists, organized my house, now I just don't care

It's amazing! I can pick out words from just about every posting in this thread that accurately describe my feelings. But you all express these feelings much better than I can.

Looks like I'm in the right forum.

I'm glad you can relate! Here I am at 4am still on PsychCentral, wondering what my place is. I'm glad this thread has helped some. It sure has helped me.

I once told my therapist that I've been depressed for so long, I wouldn't know how to act if it ever went away. Depression and I have been together for so long that I would feel like I was losing a friend. Of course, many people would say that's one friend they wouldn't mind losing, but I don't know... would I miss being depressed? Would I miss not having the slightest motivation to do things in my everyday life (even going to pick up my anti-depressants)? It's been like this for so long that it really doesn't bother me much. I think I've resigned myself to this way of life.

Merely existing in life is indeed depressing. And depression is itself depressing. Talk about a vicious cycle. For me, I get depressed about being depressed. And that just keeps perpetuating itself. Then somewhere along the line I get angry about being so depressed. I've never decided if the depression triggers the anger or the anger triggers the depression. In any case, now I'm depressed AND angry. Then I get angrier because I'm so angry. And then I get..... Aaaarrrggghhh.

Will life ever get better for us? I don't know. For some people it will. For others, probably not as much as they would like. Obviously, getting started is the hardest part and there's no single answer for each of us.

How badly do we want our lives to be better? Decide that and maybe we can begin to work towards finding our own answers.

I completely relate to the "just existing" thought. I feel that way too. People in my life just don't understand my being anti-social and not just going to the gym or whatever other social gathering they suggest. I guess if we stopped being so anti-social we could do more than just "exist" but that's easier said than done! I have to pat myself on the back for getting a shower sometimes...so going to the gym is just too much. Anyway, I understand.....

I'm tired. I tired of going through the motions each day. I'm tired of trying this drug and that drug and nothing working. As if the depression wasn't bad enough, now my body seems to be falling apart. I've made all my preparations. Bought my tombstone and preplanned my funeral. I'm ready to move on from this life. Something on the other side has to be better. I'm just marking time until the Lord takes me away from this pain of existance.

Gayle, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so horrible Sometimes I can't wait until I can die too... it's really a rather horrible feeling. But then there's eventually a day that I'm glad I was alive for. I just keep hoping I'll find more of those days.

Hey there! I am so sorry I didn't see all these wonderful responses sooner. I figure I will bump this thread up a little bit. I am still stuck in the same place, just existing. Feeling alone, and just miserable on the inside. I am not a miserable person, I just want some hope.

Someone to hear me, see me, someone to care

I was feeling exactly the same as kaliope when I was on my meds. I stopped taking them a week ago and I feel instantly better. So far so good. I'm living again!

Kinda ironic u brought that up Platinum Heart. I feel exactly the same way.
Idk if its just a feeling, but it feels bad.

Amen! I can so relate to this. Just this week I thought that my body doesn't do what my mind wants it to do.

For me it feels like depression without the tears. The tears are not flowing but my body is not moving. At least without medication I had some times where I did exist. Hugs to us all.

I wish I could stop taking meds, but I have to take mine. I was stable for years before the symptoms came back and bit me in the butt. I can't afford to relapse again, but glad its working out for you!

I know it does nycgal, I have this feeling that haunts me every day. Today isn't that bad of a day even though I still didn't do anything today. Its a bad feeling but its not crippling me today thank god!

Yes! I wish I could throw out the medication and go back to being manic, at least that way I could have the energy to work out. I feel this is crippling, depression without tears, so true! My body is definitely not moving, I wish it would.

Wow this post really resonates. I have called off work and am home waiting for when I have to go out into the world to take my son to get some needed medical attention. I feel like I can't manage anything right now and you know what????
These thoughts I KNOW are feeding my depression. But to stop them may as well be asking me to change the color of the sky from blue to green. Mindfulness is something I was studying before I started falling back into depression. My meds are not working right and I can't seem to get it together. I don't want my life I worked so hard to build back since my last collapse to fall apart, but guess what is happening?!

I feel scared and powerless but I know in my heart I'm not. This place helps, it really does and I thank you all for sharing your thoughts and your secrets.

I can completely relate to your situation. I exist. I survive, but little else. I hide in my home, only feeling safe behind heavily locked doors.

Dealing with people is very stressful for me. It's difficult to get along in a world that requires interaction with other people.

Isolation is existence, not life.

I felt this way for a year until my meds were changed. Now I've lost my constant companion of black depression but still feel like my brain tells me all the things I should be doing and my body refuses to cooperate. Thankfully spring will soon be here and I can sit on my deck in the sunshine. Thankfully I can read again and I thank God for that small bit of happiness. I pray it lasts but don't think it will.