Trigger, long, Hate my life and myself.

Long as hell, trigger for ED, SI and most everything else. Please close it If it starts triggering you that's the lat thing I would want







This sucks. I'm having mild tackle hallucinations but I'm sensitive as He|| . I melted into tears because my husband wanted me to listen to my game on head phones. I should be sleeping because I have to pack. I don't have time to loose my ****, I have to pack, find new drs. enroll my son in school, find an apartment, get my license, and move 12 hrs away. In between my son's cat scan and surgery. I only have 2 months and if I don't do it he won't because his ocd makes it to overwhelming. I thought I was depressed but maybe not, I hate going up to my family's I always come back all messed up and now were moving there for the stupid children's hospital.

WTF. I have been avoiding pdoc since Feb so I'd be remotely healthy when I see him and I thought I almost did it but of course I can't be that lucky. I can't change my appointment because he wont have an appointment by the time I move. I don't want new meds or upping my meds and I certainly don't want my pdoc to put me on an antipsychotic. Last thing I need right now is to be hospitalized or my dx change. god damn it am I getting parinoid too? Miguel has friends over this sucks. My husband is worried about me and asking me what's wrong I told him it feels like bugs are crawling under my skin and I took aterax because it was way to stressful and I can't handle it but I'm not sleeping yet.

It's 2 am and I have to feed three kids plus my husband breakfast. Fill out more moving applications, figure out how to get our stuff up there, mail stuff out and I have to do all that while being a smiley happy host to my sons friend that they have yet to know they have a short time left.

I have to plan 2 going away parties and at some point have his birthday which is over a week late. I have to put the fires out that I started when I was up there, and I forgot to call my dad for fathers day. I wished him happy fathers day online but that doesn't really count and he's one of my favoret people. Why am I such a mess. I'm eating us out of house and home and that's NOT me. really he's lucky tif I eat half a kids meal a day. Part of the reason I'm typing because I'm hoping to keep my hands busy so I don't tare my skin off and look crazy in front of new children. I need this god damn aterax to kick it. I swear I'm going to get huge by how much I am eating! I have no matabilizom to save me.

How do you stop tactical hallucinations? If I try to "cut out" the bugs or tear my skin off then I'll end up in Per because my T would want me there. Nails are nasty, nasrty things and if I scratch my skin off I risk getting my skin infectewd and worse issues. I hate life. How do I stop my self from eating everything in sight? It's seriously descuggting, I don't have the money for it. I forgot to fill my insurence and EBT stuff out so I have to do that tomorrow too. and this damn medication has not kicked in yet! How do I keep my craziness away from my son's new friend, fist time he spent the night. This is not the time for this.

And it's not like I'm still not sensitive so please be nice. I'm souppose to finish my college stuff to because this is the last semester I can go here. a couple of days ago I was excited but now I feel there's no point, I'm going to fail, I have no idea why anyone would be with me let alone a guy like my husband, why the hell would he put up with this. I know , I know he has BP also but really I'm almost always the one that is sick, I can't even hold it together a little. I swear they'd be better off with out me but I'm the only one with income. It will mess my son up more then I already has. Maybe my sisters right I ****ed him up so bad that there's no way he has any productive future. Maybe I am selfish and never put him first. I want to throw a tantrum and say where not moving but that as selfish as commiting suiside vand I'd **** up any way! I can never do anything right. Seriously why did I think that I could be healthy enough to have a family. I can't even work! I wish I never went to see my grandma but I couldn't say no because she wasn't suppose to make it by the time I got there. What made me think I could still be the rock of the family still when all I did there Is cry and be horribly homesick. I use to be the rock of the family and with out that I'm useless to them that's always been my job because tragity doesn't effect me until much later. I put on a sweater so I don't get to my skin. this sucks.

I was suppose to find out what I need to get my dog certified by septemer because If I move in to an apartment w/o her I won't be able to be by myself because I always think someone is braking into my apartment or the neighbors fight and it scares me. I don't want this to be like at the begining of this year. I don't need to cut shapes into myself.

thank-you for reading. How do I do all this crap while getting whatever is going on with me under control? How do I go back to normal to get all this crap done? I don't want to lose my family so I have to control this. Why is he with me? I really don't know why I wrote. I need to suck it up, be an adult, and get over my selfishness this is for his health. Did I mention I hate my life right now! god I' suck. The neighbors are going to call the cops because the music is blaring at 3 am. Crap I've been writing for an hour! I don't really care if they call the cops. I don't really care about anything. Don't worry I'm safe but so confused. lets see how long this crap is going to be I bet I move with nothing. I'll just abandon all my belongings like I always do. I need to find an apartment so we're not homeless again when we move. at least this time we weren't evicted. I never thought I wouldn't be able to support my family. I should have stuick to the Idea I'm to meesed up for a relationship. It was soupose to be his day and he's worried about me. He's being so nice he doesn't deserve this.

This sucks.

I'm sorry you've got all that to cope with. I hope typing it has at least made the pressure on you a little less

I couldn't read, but I'm thinking of you and whatever it is, I am sending you peaceful, positive energy to get through.

Hang in there MM!

I just woke up and a lot calmer thanks to the aterax.

Hi MM,
I couldn't quite follow all that is going on in your life, but you sound overwhelmed and desperate. I see that you took aterax. I am glad that helped. I am here if you need to send a pm to let off a little more steam.

Bluemoutains

I read it MM, all of it, but it feels like anything I say will be useless, like you have so much going on, how on earth can I presume to know how to make you feel better!!!

But, and there is a but.... I do want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, that you are important to me, that I value you and believe you are worthy. Worthy of a good life, worthy of the love and adoration of your husband and son.

I'm sending you lots of soothing higs as I know that I'm a great hugger, so no chance of botching it.

You will prevail victorious, its your nature

Love you MM

I read it all ! I am so sorry that everything is slamming into you at once. I'm glad you just typed and purged it all out. I don't have any specific advice.

You will plow through all this and get done what needs to be done, you always do. You deserve every bit of love in your life, please try not to doubt that, I know easier said than done, but it is true.

Hang in there, Hollar yell vent rant and rave all you need to, always here to listen

Me too, read it all, so sorry for all you're going through. Wishing some relief, health, clarity, blessings and money to fall into your lap!!

Glad that med helped some - I haven't heard of it, but if it brings some relief that's a really good thing.

You have too much going on for one woman to bear... I'm sure you make lists, but where can you cross some things off the list to lighten your load? What could you hand to a friend to arrange? The bday and going away parties maybe? I do feel guilty I've never had a bday party for my youngest 11... I used to be so good at that with the 2 older kids. But I have to be ok and gentle with myself that I did my best. Even if my best was ****, did the best I could at the time with all the too much going on.

Can anyone take your dog for the shots or certification - not sure what's needed there? Is there any community outreach, non-profits who are looking to help families like yours? Can someone help you fill out the rent app's?

I feel like there has to be some group that helps families with children in hospital or children with illness going on - like they'd be able to help you guys out with a little money to make the move closer to the hospital...

I don't have advice or experience with the tactical hallucinations, it sounds horrible that you have to endure that. I'm so sorry but glad that med did help a bit.

I think if you meet with pdoc it's good to just say what meds you want and what you don't want. That you are the one in your body and know from first hand experience which meds helped and which didn't... like if you were on klonopin or something and it's helping right now, just take it to help you through this time. You are rightfully totally stressed out right now. All these life circumstance things you are going through are huge, and hopefully you will find relief once you've plowed through all this stuff and are on the other side of it. Patting yourself on the back for making it through these hellish months. Don't double punish yourself, please, with mean self talk or SI... think about it - I was taught it like this in mindfulness therapy - you've already had to endure the stress, fear, uncertainty, trauma of everything, so if you stay mad at yourself for where you in your perspective weren't perfect, "should've/could've" done better, etc., you are double punishing yourself. And that only drains more of your precious energy and head space during an already delicate time.

And your sister! I can relate! She used to tell me similar things, and that I'd made my bed so grow up and deal with it. Now unfortunately, she has a new bp dx of her own and small children, and a divorce. She's finally starting to understand what I went through alone all those years. I don't wish it on my enemy, but karma has a way of doing what needs doing! So just try to get her voice out of your head. You are a good mom because you love your son, and you've been toughing it out and doing your best. She just doesn't understand what you go through, and may never understand.

I agree with Lia, I believe you will prevail victorious, it is in your nature, you're a fighter, you'll make it through this. Just vent away, let it all spew out on these pages, you are smart and you will wrap your head around it all. You will find a way. Love you mucho

I read your words, and feel so sorry for the frantic, overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, crushed place you are in. We don't know each other well, but Ive got nothin' but love for ya! I hope peace shows up for the party : ) (((big hugs)))

How are you doing? Any better tonight?

All of you made me cry, but it was in a good way. I will keep venting if you guys don't mind. I was trying figure out how to say thank-you.

I'm still having the bug issue and feel like everything has to be done NOW. My husband is taking down all the big furniture tomorrow, so I don't feel we're nowhere yet in this thing.I'm grouping all the calls together for tomorrow. I'm just waiting and seeing what happens with the applications I already sent and give the job to my sister in-law.

I'm asking T what I can do to have an appointment as soon as I get to NY. I'm going to continue to take the aterax until I see T. NY covers the ap I'm willing to try so I'll ask pdoc.

My husband is going to help me with what listing what can wait until we get there. the dog is one of them. No parties or school until I calm. There's no help because he's not currently in the hospital, and we're moving out of state. When we get there then yes there will be help.

I think after all this I'll cry out of relief. I'm not being as negative right now which is good. As for my sister she's already dx'd but has a everything is everyone else's fault feeling. Miguel and I were just the ones there when she blew up but it's hard.

I have no choice but thanks for believing in me. This is a perfect situation to send me into an episode and I'm so scared of that.

Love and hugs your way

MM! Just read it all. I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better and will be able to get help on those things and that you were able to let some things off your to do pile.

On the bug sensation? My sympathy on that for sure. I get it too and have flipped out particularly badly, (especially so a couple times), so... totally understand the worry. (Was hoping someone would know a way to stop the bugs too. Perhaps yet to come??) Have you tried the usual itchy skin remedies? I've done a few, but to no avail. And I'll ditto the nail thing. Mine are even super short and... yeah. ( I don't have the other issue, but yikes -- please don't do that!)

Hope you're able to relax (well, not quite the right word(!)...) or... be good with letting good enough be good enough. And letting go of shoulds. Just do what you can reasonably do and don't worry about the rest. Sending good thoughts your way!

(And abandoning possessions? Yeah, that too. Twice in this past year alone. So... not sure what to say about that, but try not to worry about that either, ok?)

The Lamictil gave me tactile hallucinations of burning and being pricked with needles at 100 mg. I'm on Topamax now & beginning to have similar issues at high dosage. Awful!!

thinking of you and reading every word in your thread. vent away! you are not alone.

Itchy meds doesn't work but it was there before the psych meds. I don't want to leave everything.