Tomorrow...

This somewhat goes with "Do you miss the "old you?" post by PumpkinEater.

Ever since I started treatment/medication my mind doesn't work the way it did before. Everything is so difficult to be sharp, or to understand. When I took tests this year I failed almost everyone... My mind just doesn't remember, or focus, or anything the way it use to. It's like taking off one's glasses to life that use to be filled with too crisp a picture.

I find it hard to read, spend lots of time in stimulating environments, even hold a conversation sometimes. I'm so scared for what kind of job I can hold, how I will be able to be sharp enough to continue living.

I worry for tomorrow... What am I without my mind?
How will I be what I want to be without my mind more like it.

Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading.

Lillyleaf

You have touched on one of the main reasons that many, many artists complain about
in regard to taking psychotropic medications: they dull the keen imagination required
in creative work. It's often described as a kind of "fog" that clouds the mind. Considerable
discussion of the treatment of bipolar artists has been given to this subject in
"Touched With Fire" by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison.

Artistic creativity is one of the gifts of bipolar illness, and it has a long history of
contributions to society.

I sensed that imaginative power in your earlier post when you mentioned that you
just described bipolar illness as "seeing colors brighter and more intensely than others"---or something similar.

Hopefully, as we change our diets over time (learning all the new things about Omega
3 fatty acids for brain function improvement, etc.) we will be able to reduce the dosage
level of medications; that may increase the creative energy and sensitivity required
for artistic work.

There is definite proof that bipolar illness may carry a giftedness for some, especially in the creative arts; I suspect, however, that it is prevalent, as Pearl Buck suggests, in many fields.

Cheer up. With your pro-active interest and concern about the "fogginess" of psychotropic
medication side effects, you may be able to alter that considerably with changes in your
diet, proper rest schedule, and exercise.

Please remember that artists are people who often function at high levels of creativity and then alternate with long periods of rest. It just does with the territory. You may need to
take that into consideration while you're considering which career you want.

Take care.

the way that I see it is we trade the bursts of super high functionality with longer functionality throughout time. it takes a hell of a lot of time to get use to it and I don't even know if we can get used to it because we've always been like this. you may want to try med change, lower doses, and really think if you'll be able to do you career with the medicated you.

Heh, get this: I'd scrolled down to type a response, got distracted, went into the kitchen for a minute, and by the time I got back here, I'd forgotten what I was responding to!

However, I am learning to compensate for my memory failures, particularly at work. I carry a small loose-leaf notebook or a stack of Post-its everywhere I go so I can write things down, because something about the physical act of writing helps me remember stuff. If I try to memorize things, I'll forget 'em as soon as my mind moves on to something else, which takes about half a microsecond.

I also have to do self-audits to make sure I've documented everything I need to; as we were taught in nursing school, "If it's not documented, it's not done". It takes me longer to complete tasks now with all this self-checking, but I'd rather be slow and thorough than make a mistake and/or forget to chart something.

As for the creativity.....I don't think I've lost a whole lot of that since I've been medicated. In fact, I'm more productive now than I ever was, and unless I'm in a manic episode it flows well AND makes sense. I have a blog (see my signature) that I post in almost every day, which provides discipline and literally forces me to keep the creative juices percolating.

And that's what's going to be my salvation (here on earth anyway), as I battle with BP, meds, and the associated memory problems.

I drink coffee when I have to concentrate.

I have had those problems for a while now. Q.q

I'm really worried about college. How do I show a school that I am and will be amazing if I can't do daily tasks the way I use too? Before it took me a second to remember everything in class, but now even if I sit and study it seems to be too complex for my mind. It's as if I went from the top of the group to someone that struggles just to stay above the water.

Amy Cuddy: Your body language shapes who you are | Video on TED.com

this video talks about it. IN the very end it does, so if you don't want to watch the whole thing then skip to the end.

For me 15 weeks were way to long to go with out an episode. I had gone 10 years, off and on, trying to get through school. Now, if your in the U.S. you only get 6 years of financial aid if your full-time and 12 yrs if your part time or a mixture of time if you mix full and part time. I have learned I can only handle 2 class at a time before I flip **** mid semester but I kick butt in those class because I treat it like a full load. If you live in the dorms you can get an exemption from the disability office saying you only have to take part time to live there. However you'll only get part time funds so you may have to do work study and a payment plan. I hope that helps a little.

Dangit. I lost my message.

Anyway - go to your school's disability services. They WILL make accomodations to help you out.

When did you start taking meds Lilly? And are you sure that the meds/dosage you're on are the right ones for you?

,From my experience, schools are willing to work with you. I got my scholarship back because I told them what went wrong. There is hope

Losing abilities has majorly affected me and my life. I don't know how would do in school because I have been absent from it since everything happened. That being said I still deal with a number of problems in my everyday life. I no longer talk about things with connections to other things.... it means I have trouble holding a conversation to the highest extent. I am not longer a lot of things.... BUT!

The one thing I am is a new person that isn't going to give up. I had to battle with myself for so long about how I was worth nothing and that I had nothing to contribute. I was wrong and now I happy to see that everyone has something to contribute.. Instead of talking I now listen and people respect that. Showing up at social events with nothing to say at first made me feel awkward.... but now I feel strong and silent. People will always say thing that are going to bother people with illness. We just have to be that much stronger than them. Not letting what they say or do bother us reflects on us positively, we are stronger. I have found that my true friends are sticking by me. I have found that there is peace in silence.

What this all means is that it's not the end of the line for you. Sure you have difficulties with the mess your mind made, but don't let that be your crash landing before the finish line. Let it be in game adjustment that boosts you above the rest because of what you have to deal with. We all have problems and every time you get up after a failure you're one more step up on the success ladder. It's a mind of mind concept, but one thing we never lose the ability to have will power. No matter how disabled we are, we always have a choice to give up or carry on. Sure you might not get A's or maybe anything close to that.... but I've always said a letter on a piece of paper doesn't tell me who I am. Even if we're not all geniuses we're all people that live on earth together and the happier you can be the better your life will be no matter the difficulties.

Sit back, throw on some tunes, and never give up. There is a place for everyone, we just have to find it.

What a great post, Mr. Radio! You're stronger today than at any time, in my view. So
glad to see all the symptoms fading and the positive you shining through.

Cognitive slowing is really hard to deal with. For me, depression is what slows me down; thankfully, meds don't affect me cognitively too much.

If you are certain that your meds are causing this, then I suggest that you try other combinations. There are so many meds out there that can treat bipolar; I'm certain that some of them won't have that terrible side effect! If worst comes to worst, and your bp is mild, you might want to consider going off meds. If you can't function due to side effects, then something needs to be done.

Thanks so much Mr. Radio that is a great response!

I'm on 200mg of Lemectal. I don't know what to tell my P-doc next time I see him. I told him that it was making it hard to think last time I saw him, but we increased dosage anyways. It has helped my mood. But, now it is hard to think and deal with life. He doesn't want me to change and go into anti-psychotics 2nd generation because that would be what is next to deal with.

I don't know what to tell him next time I see him. I don't want to change meds because of off the concoctions and bad effects they could have.

I'm most worried about senior year because the school expects me to do just as well as the times I did before. They expect me to be fine. Just like this is some bad cold that I came across. I can't get a IEP because that would be stupid at this point.
Everyone in my life expects me to be able to do that same things as I could before. They always say, your a smart girl you'll figure it out, or catch on fast.

What they don't understand is...

Before I was dancing with death, now I am not, but I don't know how to deal with this new life. My new life is limited, but it is for the first time... a life.

Thanks,
Lillyleaf

Why not ask him to decrease your dosage then? If it was already making it hard to think, you probably shouldn't have increased it! Try going back down a little bit and see if it helps - that'd be my rec anyway. Of course, not without talking to your pdoc first!

Get the IEP it can make a world of difference when in college, including special programs like trio.

Lillyleaf, I don't have much to add because you know I'm kinda dealing with this, too, but sending you a huge hug if you are comfortable accepting! You WILL get through this!

Lillyleaf, my heart goes out to you! As a writer and artist, I understand your concern about losing your creativity in a fog of medication. I have been on Lamictal for a number of years, and it works great for me. I would recommend talking to your pdoc about decreasing the dosage and seeing what happens. My cousin needed Abilify with her Lamictal (we're a bipolar family!) and she is on a very small dose of each. Keep working it until you find what's right for you. I know it can be discouraging, feeling like Alice in Wonderland, one med making you feel one way, another something else. When you find the right meds, though, it's worth it! Hang in there, hon - you're on the journey, which sometimes beginning the journey is the largest hurdle!

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk 2

I feel like you. I don't remember anything. sometimes I'll be driving and not know where I am going for a minute. School is hard. Remembering is a challenge. you are not alone.

I have the exact same problems however am optimistic their is a solution. There are drugs ranging from aricept like drugs to dopamine agonists. I have also heard that adhd drugs can be benifical. I dont have exerpience with these drugs but i am going to discuss my cognitive problems with pdoc in my next apt. Does anyone have any experience in cognitive improving drugs? If so please advise. Also i have heard antipsychotic 2nd gen are supposed to help cogntive problems in schizoprenia. Does anyone take antipsychotics that help with cognitive problems or do they make them worse?