[Nessa213]

How do I do that?



I'm the type of person that literally cannot STAND when people think poorly of me. I can handle ambivalence or apathy, but if I think someone is mad at me, or hurt over something I said or did, the worry will tear me to pieces. I've been this way for literally as long as I can remember. I worry so much about everyone else that I find actually impossible to worry about myself. Because then I'll feel greedy or selfish.

I try to be selfish sometimes and take time for myself and do something for me, but in the back of my head ALWAYS is that worry of "man I really really wish I wouldn't have said that... what must they think of me now?".

In all actuality they probably don't care at all. But it FEELS like they do. Part of me thinks that THEY are thinking about it as much as I am and are getting madder and madder at me.

It's led me to send texts or make phone calls to apologize over whatever stupid thing I'm thinking about at the time and then the person ACTUALLY gets angry, even though they'd really forgotten the whole thing.

I just want to turn off my mind sometimes. And I haven't really found a way to (safely... legally) do that.

[A Red Panda]

Y'know... I have no idea how I hit "thanks for this" when I only clicked on hugs.... ANYWAY!

I've figured out that for myself at least, at the bottom of things? I am always worried for/about me.

When I'm worried about upsetting someone? It's because I'm worried they are going to leave me or stop being friends with me. Or that they're going to be mean, or that they won't accept my apology... and all of that leads to me being a failure and a bad friend.

I care deeply for people's happiness... but when I find myself worrying over EVERY LITTLE THING... it all comes back to me and my own insecurity and lack of trust. Even when it's me going "X is having a really hard time lately with all the stuff going on in their life, am I doing enough for them? What else could I be doing? Have I been sensitive? Have I been consuming too much of their time or energy? Have I been neglecting them?!" etc etc... that still comes back to a worry about myself.

If it doesn't go to extremes then it wouldn't be. But when it does? It's something I'm worried about that has to do with me at the core of it.

I've defiiteley had people GET mad at me because I get so worried and keep asking for reassurance.

It's when I go into auto-correct mode. When I think "Z must be really mad at me because they're not responding to any of my texts! Have I sent too many texts?! Should I send another apologizing?!" I follow it up with "Don't be daft, Z's at work remember? They're likely busy. And Z is a nice person, don't think such horrible thoughts about them! If Z's upset they'll let you know about it."

I might keep having the thoughts and I never fully believe the corrections... but it'll be enough to prevent me from saying/doing anything overboard.

[anneo59]

Can so totally relate, and one grown son, who has similar probs, has told me and i believe its worth considering at times, that I carry the empathy thing a bit too far, for various reasons, some of which you all said. But we don't want to lose all of what makes us us, but just be smart about it and not burn out. The best, folks!

[middlepath]

Nessa & Cheshire...I admire how well you are able to articulate your feelings. I read Nessa's post and thought to myself, that is EXACTLY how I feel and act but could never have put that into words!! Then, I read Cheshire's response and was amazed at how detailed and well thought out it was.

I am queen of "they didn't text me back so they must be mad at me, therefore i am a terrible person." It is not a logical conclusion, but in essence, that is where my thoughts lead me. I think Cheshire is right...its all some sort of fear of abandonment or ego related issue. Because if I fear that someone is mad at me, what is the real fear? Basically it flows from "someone is mad at me", to, "did I do something to make them mad at me", to , "even if I can't think of something obvious, maybe I did something i don't know about", to "maybe I should ask them if they are mad, or just send a general apology", to "if that person stays mad maybe they won't be my friend or they will say bad things about me", to , "I don't want to loose friends because then i will be alone and if I loose friends that means I did something wrong and I am a bad person", to , "maybe I am a bad person", to "I think i AM a bad person, I don't want to be a bad person, what can I do to not be a horrible person??"

All this going on in my head when in reality...probley they are just busy. I am trying to use coping skills now and it is helping a little. Coping skills are learned behaviors so I know it will take time.

As far as taking time for oneself...i use to feel guilty, too, until I realized how much more balanced and relaxed I felt when I included some "me" time. I try to do it regularly so that I don't get pent up and agitated. I give myself a fixed amount of time away from everyone and a license to not feel guilty at all.

[A Red Panda]

That was a great post middlepath! My thoughts spiral down like that too.

I view "me time" ironically as time for other people. I found an excellent loop-hole in the logic here, and have opted to use my own issues to help me.

If I take time for myself to relax and calm down... it means that I am going to be calmer and more responsive to everyone else in my life. It means that I'm less likely to flip out or cause them stress. So voila, me-time is easy-time and guilt-free!

And yeah, middlepath.. changing the thought-process is HARD! It is so so so hard. I've been working on it for like ten years and I'm STILL consistently failing at it! haha. I just keep reminding myself that person A is a good person (and I will list off examples to myself if I need to) and that they haven't done things to break my trust or upset me and that I need to have some confidence in them.

Of course.. when it's someone who HAS broken my trust before? All bets are off. I have a hard time responding to my own brain if they've already done things in the past.

I also routinely tell myself "Just because X is upset or sad about something, it DOESN'T MEAN IT'S ABOUT ME! That's just selfish. It could be any number of things." and usually I will ask the person if there's something the matter - I won't refer to myself in that. Just a general "Are things alright? You aren't really acting like yourself". If they say that things are fine... the first or second time I'll believe them because I should trust their word. If they KEEP having days and days where they aren't fine even though they say they are? Then I remind myself that they have no obligation to talk to me about their problems.

It's when it becomes a consistent pattern that I then freak out and get convinced that it has to do with me. (Keep in mind, I have actually been fairly correct with this assumption, particularly with relationships! I seem to pick out guys who WILL NOT TALK OR BE HONEST ABOUT EMOTIONS... so it goes from them being fine, to me knowing that something is off, to them breaking up without them ever ONCE addressing any issue).

I think I may have just gone off-topic there. Back on topic!

I am quite frankly not allowed to ask someone if they're feeling alright more than once a day. I figure once a day is respectful and allowed, so I delay my worries each day. "Ok. Today maybe they're just tired or feeling a little ill. They might say they're fine because they don't even notice it - I just am over-aware of other people's emotions. I'll make sure to be extra nice to them today and hopefully they'll be feeling better tomorrow." then the next day, if they're still off, I'll re-ask how they are and if things are alright. I'll respond to myself the same as the day before and I will keep doing this for a while. Eventually if they're a close friend and they've had a good chunk of time in a row where they're off I'll get a bit more direct. "How are you? You really haven't seemed like yourself lately, what's stressing you out? You can talk to me about it if you need someone to listen." Usually that will get some sort of a response, it really depends on the friendship itself and how it's set up.

Nessa, I would suggest that you go online to the Hazeldon Foundation website for a daily
meditation. That can help. You know that it's the little child within that's causing the
problems, and you may want to find the way to make her feel loved, comforted, safe,
and secure. We have to teach ourselves to do that.

Meditative reading is very helpful for that, I think. That little one just needs love and
care and you'll be fine. You would never be selfish is giving attention to that child
because it is only through her security that the ability to love, play, and share can
really be effective.

In my view, it's very important to care for the child within so that the adult can
function without fear, etc.