[wildflowerchild25]

Therapist did not respond to my request and pdoc is not here till tomorrow. Another drug day seeing as it's raining so I can go for my walk or run through the park.

This is what I did in group.

Your biology never goes away! It stays inside your head! Your head will never leave. All you can do is try to control it in a way that makes sense - for everybody, not you alone! My sense is different from your sense. My sense has been deemed unhealthy by the world. My biology has been deemed disordered and I - I just want to live! I just want all these thoughts to make sense - my sense - your sense - sense for everyone who needs some sense. And I cannot just make SENSE of it all but no one will help me today. I'm on my own manic and I said no I'm not crazy you're crazy but it seems I am crazy just a little bit and I couldn't care less at this point in my life.

Fresh paper is all I need to keep me on an even keel except - except what except who accept you accept me for who I am! Stop trying to drug me stop trying to poison me with your chemicals STOP. And sit. And listen to the sounds of electricity humming going through the air. Listen to the hum of the electricity in this lonely life and know you are never alone as long as there's light!

Nurse just said She's tryin to get a doctor to see me. Good maybe I'll get an AP that I can't afford anyway.

[wildflowerchild25]

Well that was a waste of time seeing that doctor he wouldn't even prescribe my PRNs for me. he tried to give me inderal to help with my "shakes" which i don't have - i was just shaking from fear.

but at least i didn't have to go inpatient, and maybe the doctor tomorrow will actually write my scripts. glad i wasted my time sitting there.

[wildflowerchild25]

i see the world and i'm filled with joy and i wish everyone could see it this way. so much change swing back swing forth swing low SWING HIGH because no one wants to swing low (except sweet chariots).

perceived discrepancy - oh i perceive a discrepancy between what i want and what you want because i want freedom from you standards! normalcy, i want to shut my eyes, but who needs to sleep? i want to cut the cord from earth and float up here forever since it seems i'll never find my way back down.

stress stressed from the test of my will to use the skill. my will is not in skills today and i don't know when it will be again. i'm flying higher than i've ever flown before and i can see earth so beautiful so round so perfect from space.

once in a lifetime can you feel this good because soon it will switch again. soon it will switch again and i - i may break - break my happy face.

took sooooooo much benadryl, took four, probably not a good idea but i think i'm going to take a nap. that will be fun.

[kaliope]

wildflowerchild
I am sorry that nobody is helping you right now and you are on this high all alone. I wish we didn't have to struggle so much with this disorder. I hope your doctor tomorrow does a better job in helping you. take care.

[Skittles56]

I'm right there with you wildflowerchild25. People's adherence to "normal" is just so much piss poured from a boot. Unfortunately for me, I can't finish what I start, there are too many possibilities in my head. I'm headed up and who knows how high I will go, but for now I'm just enjoying it, even though there is a little bit of dread because I know I'll crash eventually.

Mr. and Mrs Normal have no idea what's happening in my head or yours. I don't have any real idea what's going on in yours, except that what you say is the way I feel.

I'm already on antipsychotics, so I have to hope for the best without having to be drugged into a zombie state.

I hope you find a way to grab hold of where you are going.

[wildflowerchild25]

i can only think in rhyme and reason but reason seems to be missing. i don't know how i can go act normal with all these thoughts swirling through my head.

keep hearing voices worse than before muffled so far away i can't hear what they're saying but i think maybe someone's trying to contact me but i know that's not real it can't be who would want to talk to me anyway?

i have to go pretend to be normal for awhile and i don't see how i can do that. i feel completely unreal right now. i feel like i'm on a different planet than anyone else.

i hope the dr tomorrow will help me more than the dr today. i hope she'll at least refill my PRNs so i can drug myself until i come down from here, i have to get down someday and i'm so rapidly cycling i can't stay up here forever, right? RIGHT? what goes up up up must go down down down and at least i can think clear when i'm depressed.

[wildflowerchild25]

Fight or flight? Flight or fight? Which is right and which is wrong? Can either be right? Fight or flight? I’m afraid of the flight. I have a family to care for that can’t afford my flight. I’m trying for the fight. Fight or flight fight or flight. Which one is right? I can’t seem to wrap my head around this problem. I can say this: I never thought it would get this bad. I’m so glad I can carry on a cohesive conversation at least in real life because maybe they won’t notice and maybe I won’t have to go in. except I need an AP! Help please doctor, I’m bent (but not broken) and I want to learn to love again!

But where am I really? Just because I’m speaking in tongues means nothing. Aren’t I making this all up? Where is my mind really? Are my thoughts really racing? Am I just making up symptoms to scare myself? Because I want to be someone I’m not I want to be crazy. But I don’t want to be crazy at all. I’m not sixteen anymore. I don’t need attention from my mommy. So I know that’s not it which leaves the fact that this is all real. So walk this way with me because I’m lonely out here in space.

[~Christina]

I'm sorry Wild !

You really need to find a new pdoc.

Keep hanging on