[nicole84]

I've even been off of the forums for almost 5 months. I've been off of pretty much all meds for 2 months, Prozac has completely gone (actually glad about that)

Thing is, probably the last month-ish I've noticed that my moods are erratic again, my brain racing all the time. What really triggered it was last night. I couldn't calm my brain at all, completely paranoid and voices going around and around. Ended up having valium which did nothing except hype me up more, not even sure how that's possible.

Remembered that I still had a few Seroquel left and I've had those which got me some sleep and calmed me a bit. Since then I can see all the signs and I feel so ridiculous for thinking that I'm just better. I've never accepted the diagnoses, plus I've had different docs say different things too. My new partner is really against medication, well not against but he thinks things can just be fixed with positive thoughts which I understand to a degree.. but how bad I've been recently shows me that I can't just not take meds or get help

Now that I've slowed down a little, I can see the things I've been doing. Impulsively buying cars and then selling them. Changing my ideas of career/study at least 10 times. Enrolled in about 10 different places then not shown up. Wasted money on studies I won't be doing now - I started them with the attitude of YES I CAN!! The first night the thoughts were so racing and nightmares about it all, not focusing. I've had moments of extremely wanting to just end it all. Looking to this past month makes me feel pretty bad and I don't want to accept any of it.

Still feeling a bit out of it as I haven't had seroquel in months, but it's keeping me managing hopefully till tomorrow when I have a GP appoint then get into the psych. I was almost at the point of going to hospital but fearful they'll just turn me around. Kind of paranoid about everything Even in posting here, but I need an outlet and some idea of if what's happening is normal, or if I'm really not 'better' as I thought I was..

[BlueInanna]

Funny how in the moment when things feel good, seems like I'm all better! Docs were wrong! Then bam reality ... I think we're getting better if we're more aware / mindful, even if after the fact. Reflecting is good and will prepare us for the if/when of next time. I'm glad you're back posting, nice to see you again. Sounds like we're both picking up the pieces. Also glad to hear you have a supportive partner.

[LadyShadow]

Well, I have to admit, I relate. Totally. I was off and on meds for years. The longest I was off meds was two years! Do you believe that? I thought everything was fine and all the doctors were wrong. But all the patterns were still there. The impulsiveness, going out on dates with all these online guys, casual sex, drinking, spending money. But then BAM! it hit me, all the voices came back and it sent me on a spiral whirlwind of emotion and chaos.

Point is bipolar is with us. Its a part of us. Denying it for a while is ok for some. But I realize I need medication. Without it I am a disaster. A manic disaster. I may be a little depressed now, but I would rather that than put my life in danger again. I am glad you are seeking help and back on pyschcentral. I hope to see more posts from you. Good luck!

[nicole84]

Originally Posted by PlatinumHeart

Well, I have to admit, I relate. Totally. I was off and on meds for years. The longest I was off meds was two years! Do you believe that? I thought everything was fine and all the doctors were wrong. But all the patterns were still there. The impulsiveness, going out on dates with all these online guys, casual sex, drinking, spending money. But then BAM! it hit me, all the voices came back and it sent me on a spiral whirlwind of emotion and chaos.

Point is bipolar is with us. Its a part of us. Denying it for a while is ok for some. But I realize I need medication. Without it I am a disaster. A manic disaster. I may be a little depressed now, but I would rather that than put my life in danger again. I am glad you are seeking help and back on pyschcentral. I hope to see more posts from you. Good luck!

Oh my gosh you almost summed me up perfectly there. I've also had times of being off meds for longer frames of time. First it was just depression and anxiety, the bipolar part started coming into it around 09 then was diagnosed almost 2 yrs ago I think? But diff doctors say diff things, or I've played down my symptoms.

I just have the same worries, that medication will numb me out, make me fat etc etc. I'm pretty med sensitive but the fact that the bit of seroquel I've had the past 18 hrs has helped a bit says something sigh.

Definitely won't be leaving here anytime soon, I don't want this to rule my life. Guess I have to learn to accept it, somehow.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by nicole84

Oh my gosh you almost summed me up perfectly there. I've also had times of being off meds for longer frames of time. First it was just depression and anxiety, the bipolar part started coming into it around 09 then was diagnosed almost 2 yrs ago I think? But diff doctors say diff things, or I've played down my symptoms.

I just have the same worries, that medication will numb me out, make me fat etc etc. I'm pretty med sensitive but the fact that the bit of seroquel I've had the past 18 hrs has helped a bit says something sigh.

Definitely won't be leaving here anytime soon, I don't want this to rule my life. Guess I have to learn to accept it, somehow.

You know acceptance is key. Its the same story for a lot of people not just us. I have been through so many doctors so many different diagnosis, poked prodded and drugged. You have to ask yourself, do you want to be another statistic where you are in and out of the hospital? I certainly don't that's why I have accepted my bipolar in and out.

I worry about the medication too, whether or not I will be forever numb, get too fat, etc, but I don't want to be experimented on any longer.

The key for me was finding the right pdoc to work with me, that way we can come up with a solution that will have the least amount of side effects, (I am currently on 4mg of Haldol and 10mg of Ambien to sleep. That seems to work for me. The sleeping thing is hard though. I am manic during the night which makes it almost impossible to hold down a job. But I am working on that too.

Don't worry, just stick to your meds and try and find yourself a good pdoc. Even if you have to go through a few. Find one that will work with you. I have been fortunate to find a good doctor.

Good luck to you!

Thanks for sharing your story.

I keep going through phases of thinking there is nothing wrong with me and I dont need meds, I havent stopped taking them but your post has reminded me of what I would be going back to.

Hopefully if you do decide to go back on meds that you can find a good pdoc and a nice med combo that works for you. Im on Zeldox and lost nearly all of the seroquel weight (still not at premed weight but I am happy with it). Goodluck with what ever happens.

[Skittles56]

I agree with what everyone here has said. I think you know what you have to do. Look at your manic behavior versus how you are on the little bit of Seroquel you took.

What struck me was your partner's attitude. Positive thoughts go a long way toward helping someone, no doubt, but your partner needs to understand that bipolar disorder is (mostly) the result of faulty brain chemistry. It's not like you can put on a happy face and remain calm and the BP will just go away. It sounds like your partner wants to be supportive, and that's great. There are all sorts of people on this forum who really wish they had someone who was so supportive. Maybe you can get some literature or find some websites that will help your partner understand the disorder better.

I hope you get stable again. Cheers.

[nicole84]

Originally Posted by PlatinumHeart

You know acceptance is key. Its the same story for a lot of people not just us. I have been through so many doctors so many different diagnosis, poked prodded and drugged. You have to ask yourself, do you want to be another statistic where you are in and out of the hospital? I certainly don't that's why I have accepted my bipolar in and out.

I worry about the medication too, whether or not I will be forever numb, get too fat, etc, but I don't want to be experimented on any longer.

The key for me was finding the right pdoc to work with me, that way we can come up with a solution that will have the least amount of side effects, (I am currently on 4mg of Haldol and 10mg of Ambien to sleep. That seems to work for me. The sleeping thing is hard though. I am manic during the night which makes it almost impossible to hold down a job. But I am working on that too.

Don't worry, just stick to your meds and try and find yourself a good pdoc. Even if you have to go through a few. Find one that will work with you. I have been fortunate to find a good doctor.

Good luck to you!

I also found a good doctor, I've been through quite a few as well, but had decided that I was ok and didn't need the meds or help anymore. It's that stupid stigma and feeling like I'm 'weak' if I have an illness I guess :-/

Very med sensitive here too, have been on around 15 different medications. Most of the non fatteners just made me have adverse reactions, haven't tried Haldol, last lot was Saphris, Abilify, Tegretol umm Seroquel seems to be one I can tolerate but not sure if I can in the long term as the weight gain plus I already have an ED as well (gotta love all these coexisiting conditions)

I haven't been able to hold down a job either, not without being ridiculously unreliable and also find I'm manic at night also. Actually considering not taking any meds tonight and turning up to the doc tomorrow out of my head. Maybe then they'll try get me back into my pdoc quicker lol. Bit of a weird way to think I know, and I can feel my thoughts going off in a million different directions as it's already coming up 1am here and yeah.. I think you know where I'm coming from lol.

Originally Posted by Supanova

Thanks for sharing your story.

I keep going through phases of thinking there is nothing wrong with me and I dont need meds, I havent stopped taking them but your post has reminded me of what I would be going back to.

Hopefully if you do decide to go back on meds that you can find a good pdoc and a nice med combo that works for you. Im on Zeldox and lost nearly all of the seroquel weight (still not at premed weight but I am happy with it). Goodluck with what ever happens.

Yeah hopefully me going off the rails (in a not great analogy) might help others when they're thinking of just stopping everything. I didn't even realise until today how manic I've been getting. I guess I saw the signs but just thought they'd pass and I was being dramatic or something. Even talked to my partner tonight about it and he has no idea about how bipolar works and some of the things he said just clicked into my brain about how manic I've been.

I'm not even sure what state I'm in now, maybe the end or a mixed episode? I feel a bit all over the place and my depression is definitely prominent as well as everything else.

As for meds, I've tried so many. Mainly in the anti d category but a few of the anti p's have had some adverse reactions. Saphris was awful, Abilify at even a quarter dose sent me straight to hospital and needed Lorazepam to get me over that reaction. But it's hard with the fattening ones as I have an ED as well. Maybe I can manage on Seroquel somehow, I don't know.

I'm totally just rambling now, I apologise! Thanks for the replies