Always Waiting

Urg. I have to hide so many parts of myself. If I say I'm struggling with suicide, I'm locked up in a mental ward for weeks. If I say I'm an atheist, I'm told that I need to turn to Jesus and I'm probably in such a bad way because I reject his love. It's frustrating. I don't care how religious you are, people should never do that.

Today though I plan on going to a facility that has social activities and groups for people like me and it's free for those getting mental help in the county, which I am.

I really hope they don't mind me crying. That seems to be a big things in many places I have been to: If you are crying you are treated like some 5 year old freak that needs to be kept away from everyone else. It's really painful. I cry alot yes but I am still trying to get help. I don't want to have to sit in a room with some nurse while she tells me how pretty sun rises and trees are because my crying is seen as disruptive.

This might sound difficult, but again just my experience. Have you tried any volunteer work? When I was so low and saw no way out it gave me a reason to keep living. They never minded me crying, or needing to run off to have a panic attack, they were just thankful that I gave up my time at all to help out. They appreciated how much hard work it was for me to get there. I have been there nearly 10 years now, its turned into my career, my dream job. I guess I got lucky finding such a great place on my first try but it could take a fair few goes to find something you have a passion for. I figure anything is worth a try when you felt you have tried everything.

Supanova- Yeah I have volunteered but, sadly, they do mind me crying or see my crying as "this person cannot handle anything, let's treat her like she is 5."

Actually this is kinda ironic. I went to this social facility today. It has alot of great stuff I want to try. But what really scared me, I was not even a member yet or had been through intake and already every staff member I saw was pushing me to work for them and answer their phone and do their work. For no pay. It was really scary and if it keeps up I don't know if I will continue to go back.

I want to volunteer but not when it is forced and I go to this new place to meet friends, not to do extremely stressful things like answer phones or work the front desk for them. My past volunteer work that has helped (other than them seeing my crying as a liability) has been working with animals or sorting donated food or soup kitchen work.

I really wish I had a friend to go with me to these places. It's so hard to do this all alone, mainly when I've been abused. It's hard for me to trust anyone.

Well is really seems your are in a mess, I am sorry. I know you say you have tried so many things and nothing has helped.. Could you have been trying too many things at once ? Kind of overloading yourself?

Waiting on medicatons to work are often like waiting for the your winning lottory numbers , who knows when or if they are going to pop up .... So in the meantime you need to need to do things about getting back on a schedule..

to start with .. Getting out of bed daily , go outside for a short walk or just sit in the sun for a while. Feed yourself at least 1200 calories of good healthy non processed food. Go back out side, Just soak up the clean air and sunlight.

Do just those things for a few days , it will become habit and your body will crave it.

Then you go about adding more... You don't have to feel happy to do these things ...

Waiting for medications ( my opinion) to make you feel better is useless .. In treating Bipolar I. I feel its maybe 10% medications and 90% pure hard work on yourself.

Minfulness, Meditation, Yoga, self grounding , diet, exercise.. <~~~ Not everything at once you just layers things on top of what you are doing that is working .

Ask yor Pdoc about a Out patient Plan that doesnt not revolve around a religion .

Bipolar is hard Its tough .. but it can be managed and your life will improve it just take work . You can do this .

Well done for giving it a go, and Im sorry it didnt work out as well for you as it has for me. My work is with animals and the disabled, it has helped me beyond belief. When I was ill I wouldnt have been able to cope with answering phones or front desk either, luckily I have been able to work up to that. I have to go to work now but I have a few ideas I'd be interested to know your thoughts on them. *hugs* for today, I hope you can get through it.