[bbdgurl]

Hi. So This is my first post (super nervous)!! I was diagnosed with bipolar almost three years ago after I had some severe postpartum depression. I have since been tossed from med to med trying to find something to make me feel some stability, with little to no luck. I have very rapid cycling, and severe generalized anxiety with multiple panic attacks a day. My struggle is Ive taken the proper steps to get myself the help I need but the soonest I can get any appointsments is always TOO LATE!!! I cant see a psychiatrist until OCTOBER! Ive been seeing someone in family medicine to attempt to help me in the mean time with absolutely no luck! I will admit I have turned to marijuana and other drugs like Valium that can be bought on the street just to get me by from day to day so I can go one day without blowing up and function normally. NOT my proudest moment but Im at the point where I will try almost anything to keep my life together and my loved ones near me. MY LIFE IS VERY RAPIDLY FALLING APART! My VERY LOVING husband of three years is simply getting exhausted with my behavior, and I honestly dont blame him. I am not proud to admit my behavior, not one little bit, In fact im severly ashamed to admit that in midst of my anxiety attacks I get so panicked and angry that I throw things (not at anyone just at walls). Ive broken phones, broken remotes, and countless other electronics that I now miss dearly. I scream at the top of my lungs whatever I feel I need to get out of my system. I basically am, what i like to call, a bipolar volcano. I deal with my emotions, let things simmer inside me, attempt to do my best to address the situation but against my every effort I always seem to explode. Its not only emotional but physical, I feel so shaky, short of breath and irritable that I simply have to physically exert my emotions before I can come down from the anxiety attack. I am sick of myself most days, no longer proud of who I am at all. Ashamed of my behavior and what my bipolar does to me, i often shelter myself and avoid social situations. I am however super clingy toward my husband, which, understandably, drives him nuts some days. He really does try to understand, and knows that its not ME its my bipolar. He knows that im trying my very hardest, but he simply gets exhasuted dealing with it, and like i said before i honestly cannot blame him, its not easy at all. My family knows little to nothing about my behavior because i simply hide it from them. I just avoid talking to them on my bad days. Ive told them im bipolar but they think im using it to get attention because "Im perfectly normal". (obviously they have not seem my explosions) I call in sick to work on days when Im so depressed that I can hardly get out of bed. Just yesterday I was informed that if I miss one more day I will be fired. It will more than likely happen sooner or later since I do have two kids who will eventually get sick and need me around. Ive lost several jobs before because of my attendance. I simply have days where I cannot stop crying. I could watch the funniest thing happen right before my eyes and continue to cry. How am i supposed to go to work and function normally like that?? I love my two boys dearly, they are my entire world and would do anything for them, but on my worst days I do seem to be short tempered with them, which i feel completely awful about.
So with a family that doesn't believe me and has no clue who i really am, a husband who, although he loves me dearly, is exhausted, and two little boys who occasionally feel the wrath of my temper, and about to lose my job (which would financially devastate our family).............WHAT DO I DO? WHERE DO I GO? WHO CAN HELP ME? I don't have time to wait until October to see the one person who can truly help me! I'M FALLING APART AT THE SEEMS AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! I feel hopeless in the sense that I simply

[dragonfly2]

Sorry to hear you're struggling so badly right now.

I know this may not be what you want to hear, and may not be a popular response, but right now I think the hospital would be the safest place for you to be. Not only would it give you immediate access to care, but it would also give you and your husband a little reprieve from the daily chaos, it would save your job (as long as you've been at your job for a year and they have at least 50 employees, a hospital stay would be covered under FMLA and they couldn't touch you), and it might get your family to realize that this is serious and you're not just trying to get attention.

You're right. You don't have time to wait until October. You will likely lose your job and things will continue to fall apart. You can stop this in its tracks NOW, but it will probably take an immediate hospital stay to do it. You and your family are worth it.

I'm so sorry you are going through so much right now, I agree, the hospital sounds like a good choice, you're exhausted too I'm sure and this is all taking a toll on your whole family. You need help now to get your meds straight and get stable, the hospital is the place to do that, they can monitor how the meds are working too.

[Revu2]

Hi BBDGURL,

Bipolar volcano indeed! Such a catalog of challenges. To limit what I notice to just four concerns:
1. Your mood swings are quick, and haven't been containable, either by your own means or with the help of professionals.
2. You're husband is near his departure point.
3. You are "one more missed day" away from not having a job
4. You don't think you can keep it together long enough to wait for your appt in October.

As no one has any idea what may work, I can just offer some suggestions for you to experiment with.

You said right at the top: "I have very rapid cycling, and severe generalized anxiety with multiple panic attacks a day" and "shaky, short of breath, and irritable" later on.

Perhaps with your husband's help, find a skilled practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), or sensory motor pyschotherapy. They will be able to help you allow your body's desperate attempts at communication find images or words that you can address, soothe, and, over time, heal or recover yourself from.

You probably could use time away from everyone, perhaps in a cabin deep in the woods, where you can just let the sensations run themselves out. Maybe a friend or someone for hire who would be there or "take a walk" as your moods dictate. Listen to Holly Cole's version of "Cry" and Florence and the Machine's tune "Shake it Out" for what I'm getting at.

Also, for self-care, research what you can on dialectical behavioral therapy online. They are keen on specific self-administered steps or checklists keyed to specific mental/life challenges.

Revu2

[Victoria'smom]

You could look at Intensive Out patient also. Then you'll be home by the time your kids are. Also look into medical leave please so you don't loose your job.

[wildflowerchild25]

I second looking in to DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). There are lots of websites and books you can find on the subject. The reason I say that is because you seem to have a lot of physical sensations connected to your explosions. One of the most useful things I learned in DBT was the distress tolerance skill oF TIP - temperature, intense exercise, and progressive muscle relaxation. I never use the last part but when I've been in the red zone - that is, ready to explode - I've found that TIP works very well. Squeezing ice, putting my face is ice cold water, exercising until I can't move by doing jumping jacks, push ups, sit ups, whatever takes your energy up. That's only one DBT skill that has helped me through some of my moments. I also do think you should consider an IOP program if you have any near you. They meet three times a week for three hours a day and usually have a med management component.

I was exactly where you are back in January and February this year. One day I screamed at my husband and threw diapers - outside at seven in the morning. It was embarrassing to say the least. It took me three months to see a pdoc and I barely hung on till then. I think now I've finally found medication that works for me but it's been a rough ride. DBT has helped me when medications have failed.

Good luck and know you are not alone.