[KAnne1989]

I'm curious, if I can ask:

When you first started noticing something wasn't quite right, what symptoms did you have? How were you diagnosed with BPD? And what type were you told you have?

[A Red Panda]

This isn't BPD BPD is used to refer to Borderline Personality Disorder. Bipolar is typically just bp or bipolar

I started noticing things weren't right when I was a kid, actually. My first bout of severe depression was when I was 11 years old, so I clearly new something wasn't right. But I'd have times where things were normal (not too often, my depressions lasted a lot longer when I was young... if I could have thought of a quick and non-messy way to die that I could have gotten access to... I wouldn't have made it to highschool). So I knew that something was wrong. But I'd also have times where I had a lot of energy and talked a lot and found it a whoooole lot easier to pretend to be happy, because I actually sorta felt like I was. I still didn't think that I was a good person or deserve to be cared about or liked... but it didn't seem to bother me as much. Those areas started more often around the time I started highschool?

I read about bipolar when I was probably 17. It was somewhere between 16-18 as I was still in highschool and I know it was after we moved. I read about it and went ".... that sounds a lot like me" but I dismissed it as imagining things because I don't have issues with grandiosity and I never, ever, think that I'm better than other people.

So I ignored it for over a decade but taught myself a lot of various coping strategies to keep myself in control and blending in. Taught myself to act more like I do when I'm hypomanic, even when I'm baseline and can even pull it off when I'm depressed if I try hard enough.

I went and got diagnosed 3-4 months ago, because I haven't been able to kick the cycles for the last few years and I'm tired of it as it's starting to affect work. I basically knew what the issue was, and had a psychologist suggest it to me on his own, so I went off to see the pdoc and he asked a bunch of Qs and was like "What do you think your diagnosis is?" and I said "bipolar 2" and he said that I was "absolutely correct" so there's that. I don't know how mcuh I trust his judgement after 40 mins, but whatever right?

I can go back as far as 5th grade to say I was a depressed kid, very much so in 6th then ok for a number of years. I cycled some when I was a senior in hs but not severe, I think I was cyclothymic for years with a lot of mild depression, I slept through the late 90s when I wasn't dealing with my sons and their school and things like that. In late 2003 I became very depressed and anxious, sought help in Jan 04 was put on ADs by gp and hypomanic but didn't realize it at the time, quit taking them after a rage reaction. Seemed ok after that. Summer 05 I began chaperoning my sons to concerts, got into it, became a fan of an emo band, got on a fansite and struck up a friendship with a guy. Fall 05 through May 06 I was happy go lucky, in my second teenagehood, sleeping less, hypersexual, I wrote a 345 page fanfiction in 2 months and washaving an online affair with the friend. Tried to break Iit off, sank into despair, got on an AD in 6 weeks I was crazy manic, back with guy and bought a $1000 plane ticket to see him. I got caught thank goodness but it was a mess and I crashed, should have gone to the hospital but my husband convinced admissions he could take care of me. I was mute at the time after crying nonstop 3 hours and 2 toilet rolls of tissue later. At this point my pdoc realized I was bp, he didn't know about my 'activities' until then. I was put on a mood stabilizer with the AD and 7 months later I finally pulled out of the depression.

[gayleggg]

I was 23 when I was hit with my first major depressive episode. Six months later was admitted to the psych hospital and diagnosed as MMD. Was managed with anti-depressants fairly well, having to be changed quite often due to they quit working. Had my first manic episode when I was 49. Admitted to a psyh hospital and was diagnosed at that time as bipolar 1. Have been up and down since. Mostly down. The doctor can't find anything that really works to bring me out of my depression.

[turbulence]

I really had no idea at all until I was in my mid forties. I dropped a bunch of weight, couldn't sleep, became disorganized and very hypersexual. I actually broke the law and freaked out. Crashed really hard and became suicidal, lost my job, and was almost arrested.

Now when I look back over my life I can see that the symptoms were there, I was just oblivious.

[LacunaCoiler]

All my life I've been fighting depression with spurts of manic episodes but everyone convinced me that's just me being me. So I learned to adapt and do the best with what I had attempting to stay sane in the process. But it wasn't until I had a really, really bad depressive episode when I was 28 that my girlfriend forced me to go to the doctor. It was so bad that I hadn't eaten in about a week and a half, hadn't showered in about the same time, it took too much effort to go from the bed upstairs to a chair downstairs so I eventually stopped getting out of bed.

Finally my family doctor suggested a pdoc because he was sure it was something more than simple depression. Now that I've been diagnosed with Bipolar for 2 years, they're still not sure what type I have. They're still ruling out type II with ADHD or just type I.

[Patsy Cline]

I told my high school principal that I would kill myself if she suspended me. I went to a psych in my 20's that told me I needed to sleep and go to church. I took sleeping pills and yes, I felt better after a few weeks...that is until the new cycle started.
When I turned 30 I got tired again. I would do stupid things then realize what I'd done and spiral into guilt and depression. I was so over it. Thank goodness I found a doctor who diagnosed me correctly.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar II

I still struggle, in fact I just had a mixed episode. I'm still recovering. But at least I'm aware of it and I can take care of it early on instead of spiraling our of control.

[LadyShadow]

I was always manic in a lot of ways especially through high school. Promiscuous, drinking partying, but I thought that's what all teenagers did. I never noticed how manic I was until I was put on Lexapro and it didn't react well with me. It sent me on a whirlwind adventure that I still can't believe happened to me.

After being hospitalized several times in my 20s I threw out all the pills and started out fresh. The manic symptoms came back though. Boy did they ever! I was hospitalized for the final time in 2006. (I had slept through 2005 going through a severe depression).

Once out I met my therapist and have been working with him ever since. They always watch me to see if my symptoms come back. But I can usually tell when I become very manic, spending a lot of money, going out with a lot of guys, and partying way too much. Those days are far behind me though.

[Morigan]

13 years ago - I started acting out of character. Severe alcohol and drug abuse. Illusions of grandeur. I believed I could read peoples minds.

When I stopped the drug and alcohol abuse the symptoms were;

Ups : 2-4 days with only 2-3 hours sleep at night. Full of energy and amazing epiphanies. Talking at the speed of light. Irritation. i also become a stand up comedian... I real extrovert. I am actually a creature of comfort and a home body

Downs : Sleeping days on end. Poor hygiene. No ambition. Lethargic. Cynical. Avoided people. did not enjoy any of the things I use to love doing - basically zombie mode. I prayed i would die in my sleep. I neglected important aspects of everyday life, family, work and friends . no energy

THEN OF COURSE YOU GET THE EPISODE:

Here you crash and harm either yourself or people around you....
Be it physically or mentally. Signs of self destructive behavior.
Here who have to be careful for self full fulling prophesies, due to feelings of guilt and shame. Don't allow those thoughts in your mind. I made a mistakes, i learned from them and i got help. I can't have a future If I live in the past.

I have learned what triggers me and try to channel it. Hell it is not always easy but it is possible

[Skittles56]

I've known that something wasn't quite right for my entire life. When I was a kid, I would have periods of elation and wanting to do ten things at once and then periods of deep, dark depression. When I was in my teens, I would be hypersexual and engage in absolutely inappropriate sexual behavior, even for a teenager. I suffered from bouts of extreme rage, as in standing on a table and shouting at the top of my lungs.

What drove me to the doctor was waking up from a long manic phase in which I left my family for a much younger woman, ran up mountains of debt, and generally acted like a complete a-hole.

Red Panda, I got my diagnosis in about the same amount of time. My doctor went through the DSM IV interview, gave me my diagnosis,and went over my medication options. The couple of times I've been hypomanic since then, I just about convinced myself that he was wrong and thought about going off of my meds. But I've managed to get past that.

[MillionaireWaltz]

When I was in second grade, I wrote out, in list form, all the reasons I should die. The loneliness of my depression was anguishing in my childhood; I was an awkward and sad child one moment, often made fun of and extremely lonely, but the next, I was gregarious, outspoken, running the entire pack of neighborhood kids and immensely fearless. The extremes only progressed and grew worse by my teenage years. When depressed, I stayed in bed a lot; I cried, I could hardly get myself moving for anything, often at the frustration of my mother who didn't seem to want to understand (still doesn't, but that's a different story.) When manic, I was fidgety, spoke with high, almost rapid energy; I was promiscuous and often turned from high energy to high rage; in my first year at a junior college, I stayed one week before withdrawing from all my classes, taking the adjusted refund and taking the money to go shopping. The worst of it was in my twenties, though. In two years, I had slept with a shocking amount of people. When I was depressed, I stayed in my apartment for a week and didn't change out of my clothes. I, once again, stopped going to school; sometimes these episodes changed so alarmingly often that I didn't even know what day I was in. When I was depressed, I ended up cutting, which is something I would never think to do normally. When I was up, I was taking a new person almost every night to my bed. I spent a lot of money; I broke a lot of relationships. I knew it was time to seek help when my husband told me he didn't think he could stay with me anymore. I put him through hell (I even had an affair, which I feel guilty for now), and the pressures of BD were finally starting to ruin more important things in my life (i.e. my marriage, my job). I'm glad I did, because while it's not perfect, seeking the help I desperately needed has improved my marriage and my own personal stability.

I'll try and keep this short, I have been cutting since 12 and spent most of my teens depressed with a few short hypos (lasting 3-4 weeks). When I was 18 the cutting was discovered, I was diagnosed with major depression and the and meds started. I got triggered into mania by anti depressants and was admitted to hospital, I ran a muck for a few weeks until they got it undercontrol. I dont remember too much from that time but I do remember racing up and down the stairs, cartwheeling down the hall, putting laundry powder in the fountain etc. My diagnosis was changed to Bi Polar II. For a few years I was on all sorts of medications, alcohol and drugs so my moods were erratic. I never had full blown mania but a few hypos (3-8 weeks) that varied in strength. It felt like I had a lot of energy, but good energy, I would flitter from activity to activity, be extremely social, promiscuous, brave and gutsy doing many things I would normally not do. I spent a lot of time in depression but medicated up to the eyeballs. I wouldnt move, I would stay in bed all day and all night, when it was really bad I wouldnt eat, but if it was less severe I would put on weight as I would eat and sleep and that was all. Finally after going through a lot of doctors, hospitals and medications I quit them all. But then came the mixed episode. It was nothing like I had felt before, this extreme agitation and red hot fire in my chest, I felt like I was going to explode with energy but I was so sad at the same time. I went back to the pdocs and I have finally found a med combo that works for me and has kept me stable for 2 and a half years. Now I feel is the time to really get to know myself and find out as much as I can to combat the next episode. Hope this helps

[Amelie10]

I really don't remember very much of my childhood, so I can't speak to what symptoms may have been present.

My freshman year in college was my first major depression. I became obsessed with my grades and full of crazy fear that I was going to fail. I felt like I would die if I made a bad grade. It was very strange because I had never cared that much about grades in high school. It must have been a mixed episode because in addition to being depressed, I was agitated and angry.

Then seemingly overnight I felt better, like really better, like AMAZING. I think my baseline mood for many years was slightly hypomanic, but it was manageable, so I didn't even think about it. The depression would come and go.

I had severe postpartum depression after my first daughter was born. We didn't have good insurance and I was not clear on what could be done for it, so I just suffered through it.

Two years later when my second daughter was born, the postpartum depression was unbearable. I wanted to leave my family and my baby, I was convinced everyone would be better off without me.

I went to my ob gyn doc and she prescribed antidepressants. I felt SO much better...and that is when the crazy really came for me. I had grandiose ideas about all the businesses I could run. I wanted to leave my husband because he was so lazy and he talked and walked so slow. I was totally manic. My worst point was when i locked the keys in the car while it was running and my babies were inside. I felt something in my hand and the next thing I knew I had smashed the front passenger window out with a sledge hammer and then I unlocked the car and drove off like nothing had happened.

I never made it in to a pdoc until the mania ended and the depression hit, so it was a very long time until I had a proper diagnosis, and even longer until we found a cocktail of meds that worked for me.

My pdoc and I argue about my diagnosis. He says BP I, but my depression is so much worse and more prevalent than the hypomania, that I want to say it is BP II. I guess it really doesn't matter.

I have done everything humanly possible to deal with this, as well as the many other issues that I have. Years of therapy, 12-step recovery and of course meds. It was the combination of the three that saved my life. Being on this forum is new to me and I really like it. I think it is really helping me.

[breannanaomi47]

Originally Posted by KAnne1989

I'm curious, if I can ask:

When you first started noticing something wasn't quite right, what symptoms did you have? How were you diagnosed with BPD? And what type were you told you have?

It all started when I was very little im 15 now but I used to get violent with my pets when I was angry at them then the next second I would be hugging on them crying saying how sorry I am it was then my mom started to notice something wasn't right with me but at the time she was heavily into drugs like meth. I then started to hear voices in my head I told my mom about it and she knew something wasn't right. Well after that I was sent to a psychiatrist and diagnosed as possibly Bipolar I was then started on Abilify but it made me very sick being I was only 5 so I had to be taken off. After that the years kinda went on I had a very crummy traumatic childhood with rape, abuse, foster care and I kinda forgot about it with all I had on my plate I then tried to make myself a better person and became a nice person with a funny attitude I went about 3 years without any manic episodes I stopped hearing voices and got back to life. About two months ago I was hospitalized and I had my first manic episode in years at the hospital I was confirmed Bipolar. I am now back on Abilify and so far no negative side affects