[bluemountains]

Hi Everyone,
I probably should be posting on the psychotherapy forum with this one, but I am more comfortable with my friends here since several of you know me much better on this forum.
You may remember that I have been through several t's lately. My current t, a clinical psychologist who I really respect, has been doing some testing with me during my last few sessions. When all of the info. has been put together, OMG I can't believe that I present as well as I do.
In a nutshell here are the major distresses for me: I am currently suffering through major depression, my bp state is such that I could be considered as a person who can't perform in the workworld (btw, I am successfully teaching now, although I know that I have had my work problems in the past!), I am an extreme OCd, type A personality, funny to me because I feel that I am so disorganized!
I cannot appreciate what others have to offer because I have a grandiose?? personality, I do not let people know me and do not form close, personal relationships. I am restless. My mind works on overdrive, I try to overthink all thoughts. Meanwhile, though, if I have to deal with an emotional issue, I will completely shut down. I am unlikely to accept outside help for my problems.
I could go on with many other distressing findings, but I will stop now. Unfortunately, I can't say that any of her findings were wrong. When it is all read in one sitting, though, it is overwhelming.
Oh, the "positive" finding is that I am extremely intelligent. This was followed with my need to overprocess all that is in my mind.
Where to go from here????
My take is that no matter which direction I am goin in, up or down, I am not able to find the positives.
Btw, I am confused about the depressed state I am supposidly in. Currently I am in overdrive with energy. During the past two days, I have had a couple of incidences where people have said that they don't understand what I am trying to say-a major problem for me when I am on overdrive because I get ahead of myself with my thougths. Also, I have not been sleeping well. It takes forever to fall asleep, but I still wake up ready to go.
Maybe I don't understand bp. Is it possible to be depressed even in a constant state of mental and physical changes? I don't get all of this.

I know, if you are still with me, what a boring post!!!

Bluemountains

[BipolaRNurse]

Sounds like a mixed-mood state to me. These things are hell and if you're heading into one, please call your pdoc ASAP to see if he can medicate you and abort the episode. I had one early this summer, and at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor at 2 AM scrubbing the floorboards with an old toothbrush and sobbing hysterically.

I thought I was depressed......called pdoc after a week and a half of this, and to my surprise he medicated me for mania instead. He was right, though, and within a few days I was a lot better. I only wished I hadn't let myself suffer for so long before calling. So if you feel like you're headed for trouble, call and let your doctor sort it out. Take care.

Originally Posted by bluemountains

...When all of the info. has been put together, OMG I can't believe that I present as well as I do.
In a nutshell here are the major distresses for me: I am currently suffering through major depression, my bp state is such that I could be considered as a person who can't perform in the workworld (btw, I am successfully teaching now, although I know that I have had my work problems in the past!), I am an extreme OCd, type A personality, funny to me because I feel that I am so disorganized!
I cannot appreciate what others have to offer because I have a grandiose?? personality, I do not let people know me and do not form close, personal relationships. I am restless. My mind works on overdrive, I try to overthink all thoughts. Meanwhile, though, if I have to deal with an emotional issue, I will completely shut down. I am unlikely to accept outside help for my problems.

Oh, the "positive" finding is that I am extremely intelligent...Btw, I am confused about the depressed state I am supposidly in. Currently I am in overdrive with energy. ... Is it possible to be depressed even in a constant state of mental and physical changes? I don't get all of this.

I know, if you are still with me, what a boring post!!!

We've known all along that you are extremely intelligent!
Furthermore, NOT a boring post! In fact, it is very interesting, as I relate to a LOT of it (all but for type A, extremity in my OCD, and not appreciating what others have to offer/grandiose personality --though I see you question that about yourself as well.) Your comment about being surprised how well you present? Oh yeah. Every psych person I've had marvels about that too!

Let me throw a theory about that at you. Maybe it is from so much practice. I don't know how old you are (but that you are not a kid/young adult), but think about it --- combine enough trips around the sun on this planet with what you've been through, and you the result is probably that you learned early and well the survival value of it. And therefore have a lot of practice.

Having energy and depression is possible. Like BPN says, it might be a mixed. When it is relatively mild, it's tolerable and you've probably been there before w/o realizing it. But escalation can bring on some serious hell, so do please keep an eye on that and your psych people apprised.

As for finding the positives, what I see is that you are strong. Even stronger than you know.

[AnxietyGirl916]

Not boring at all! I can see myself in a lot of what you say. I'm surprised I function as well as I do too! I'm a social worker, so you'd think I'd have some issues with my job, but nope. Throw any client crisis my way and I can handle it with the calm, collected interventions I've been trained to do; but throw me a personal crisis? Yeah, then I'm teetering on the edge of a hospitalization. Go figure I can solve other people's problems but I can't handle my own.

It's good that you know all that about yourself because you can grow from it and improve!

[bluemountains]

Thanks! Yep, BpRN-it could be a mixed state, especially with all that is going on inside and outside. Unfortunately my pdoc is on pregnancy leave for four months. She told me I could call if necessary, but she is about 500 miles away where her husband is finishing his residency. Yes, I could go to see someone else in the practice, but this is a very hard step for me to take.
OMG, what is it about cleaning the bathroom? I haven't used a toothbrush, but our bathroom is completely made of white tile, and for a couple of months I have been obsessing about getting all of the grout clean. I have a brush and clorox. Some of my clothes have been ruined because I will take up this project at any time, not when I am prepared with cleaning supplies.
Actually right now I am willing myself not to stop my meds. Again, I know, as we all do, that this can cause major problems. The only thing that is stopping me is the fact that I don't have a safety net in case I get the wrong outcome. Since I refuse to see anyone other than my own pdoc, I don't have anyone to help if needed. The reason why I want to stop the meds (I would taper off!) is because I have taken some combination of meds for the past 20 years, and I really want to start over with the real me.
Yes, Innerzone, you are right. I am not a kid-52 trips around the sun! And, yes, I have learned many survival skills along the way. My t gave me this card to read each morning and evening, positive affirmations that are supposed to change my thinking-I believe I did something similar a couple of years ago, a CBT thing. One of the things on the card is that I will allow others to accept me as I am. I think this is ironic, because the real me would never be someone I would want them to know! The real "as I am" would give them lots of gossip to work with! I do read my card diligently, though.
Anxietygirl, isn't it funny how we are able to perform so well at our jobs? When the testing said that I probably wouldn't be able to hold down a job, I knew this was wrong, because my job is the one place is where I am content and don't have to over analyze the world. When I am teaching, I am free from myself.
Thanks for the positives!!!
Bluemountains

Not far behind ya on the planet-tripping, Bluemountains! It's been my personal theory for awhile and thought you might relate. SO hear you on the statement on the card! My response has always been, "Nope, you can't see in there. It's too dark." Which of course has a double meaning, as it also means I won't let them in. No card, but I've slowly gotten a tiny bit better with it too, but only with my psych. (Haha, one day, I walked out of there incredulous that I had told her something. It was behind so many walls, I couldn't believe I finally blabbed it!)

No toothbrush, huh? Good for you! (It's cleaning with the QTips, and worse, dental tools(!), that say too much about my mind, haha.) Should you decide to employ a toothbrush at some point though (because, really, grout is soooo enticing on that front ), may I offer the secret of my latest find? At the dollar store one day, there was a denture brush. Grabbed it right quick. "Wow! That's one seriously hearty toothbrush!" I could hardly wait to use it. (But just to clean of course, as I'm in full possession of my dental faculties. Yes, incorrect word usage, but worth it for the tiny joke. )

On a more serious note, glad to hear you recognized that safety net wise, it's not a good time to go messing around with your meds.