[pastafarianza]

Hi there.
I'm new here. I'm 37 and I'm from South Africa.
My brothers and dad are all bipolar and my brothers are on meds for it.
I have resisted the idea that I might be too all my life because I don't want to be like my father in any way. And I'm scared of drugs, especially anti-depressants. My brothers have had good success on drugs though so now I'm ready to give it a go Till now I've always believed that I could change, grow, manage my "quirks".

But I recently hit a level of depression that I still can't pull myself out of. I read a bunch of stuff online about bipolar disorder and I'm pretty sure it describes me very well.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in 9 days. I'm hoping to get answers and I'm hoping some meds will help me. I'm always irritable, I'm sad a lot, I feel things too much I think. I can go from being on top of the world, pumped by a great song, to crying in bitter sweet (or downright painful) sadness in minutes. I'm a musician so I always thought that I was just special that way. Passionate. But I can barely control my emotions after a lifetime of trying and thinking I've been learning

My wife is on the brink of a breakdown because I'm always sad and irritable too much. She just wants to be happy. We have a 3 year old daughter and I'm pretty sure that's all that's keeping her with me right now.

Anyway, I'm feeling lost, scared, and I'm hoping to find a community of people who can help me figure out a way out of this.

Thank you for taking the time to read my intro.

[ultramar]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time!

Since you're so depressed at the moment, it seems that's what most needs to be addressed. I hope you can figure things out and work with your pdoc to develop a good treatment plan when you see him/her.

Usually, moods that go up and down/change so rapidly (within minutes, a given day) do not point to bipolar disorder. It's far more common for moods (of both depression and hypo/mania) to last for several days, to weeks, to months, with stable periods in between. Maybe you can start charting your moods, when and how often they change, possible triggers, in preparation for your pdoc appointment.

Whatever it is, you need help and I'm glad you have an appointment. I hope you get the help you need and feel better soon.

[Coffee Girl]

Hello and Welcome. I can relate to the roller coaster of emotions you experience. I hope you find some answers with your PDOC in 9 days and also find this site helpful. I am new myself and have been warmly welcomed. Please keep us posted how your doctor's appointment goes.

[~Christina]

Welcome to PC

Tons of information and support here. Im glad you have an appointment rather soon, altho at times I know that 9 days can feel like 9 years. Try some relaxing things like meditation, breathing exercises..

Glad you found us

[pastafarianza]

Thanks everyone.
I do go through long periods of feeling great, then long periods of feeling down.
Anyway, it's rough right now. I'm not sure what's real and what's not when it comes to perceived irritation in my relationship. Just gotta hang on till I can see the Pdoc.

[Victoria'smom]

Have an honest conversation with your wife to give you more time now that your getting help. Look into or make little cards idea's of inexpensive little special thing you can do no matter how you feel.

[pastafarianza]

Thanks M.
We have spoken a to about it. She seems to understand. In fact, now she thinks that most of our fights over the years have been BPD related.

She told me tonight that she loved me. I know she does. She hates BPD though. A friend at work recently left her boyfriend because he was bipolar. She says I'm just like him.

The real problem is that I get so irritable and angry over nothing. Going to the mall on Saturdays is a nightmare. I want to kill everyone who gets in my way on the way there, in the shops (not literally). I freak out about every little thing. Always tense around people, road rage...

That is what's driving her mad. She is chilled and just wants a happy, simple life. I'm a dreamer, a mad, passionate musician who spends 1/3 of my life railing against the world (I'm an atheist in a religious city, etc etc), 1/3 sad about all manner of things, some big, some small. And 1/3 feeling pretty happy all the way up to euphoric at a piece if music, nature, mankind's indomitability. Then I'm depressed by mankind's stupidity.

I am in limbo right now though. I doubt everything I'm thinking and feeling. I doubt who I AM. But I'm hoping the Pdoc can help me there.

[pastafarianza]

I should say that I have long periods where I'm more...stable. Where the sad moments are simply bitter sweet and the high moments are just nice.
Who knows?! I'll spill my guts to that doctor and see what she says.

[deelooted]

Originally Posted by pastafarianza

I should say that I have long periods where I'm more...stable. Where the sad moments are simply bitter sweet and the high moments are just nice.
Who knows?! I'll spill my guts to that doctor and see what she says.

I thought the same thing until my wife told me otherwise What seemed like "ok" to me was not ok with anyone else.

I recently read an article on this site that men are less likely to seek treatment because it is perceived as a weakness. Secondly, the article also said that men usually only go seek treatment after a boss or wife/girlfriend has threatened to terminate the relationship unless there some behavioral changes.

That being said, that fits me like a glove! My wife AND boss were telling me to go get help or else, so I did. That was 3 months ago, and it took trying a few meds before finding the right mix. Now I am happy to I am a hundred times more stable than I have ever been in my life.

I asked my wife and boss to be patient with me, and they were. And this site is a great support that helped me through the tough weeks. It is hard for outsiders to understand, and that is what makes this community so awesome.

So, good on you that you are now admitting you are ill. Being honest with yourself is the first step. I hope that your pdoc visit can begin a successful road to recovery, because it is definitely a possibility. Good luck and hang in there

[pastafarianza]

Thank you. I really needed to hear that!
Hearing you say that, I've never felt normal. I always struggled with being too intense, one way or the other.
It would be incredible to be more like the people around me:taking things in their stride, not freaking out or spending money i dint have compulsively...
Maybe I am just a bit mentally ill! At this point that would be something of a relief, because my brothers say the same as you: they're way better on meds.
I feel bloody lucky to have come here, I'd be going crazy waiting otherwise.

[pastafarianza]

Hi there.
Saw the Pdoc today and was diagnosed as bipolar 2 with depression. And a strong possibility of OCD.
On 50mg of epitec (Lamitrogine ) a day and that's it, for two weeks. Then 100mg for 4 weeks. Then a follow up and we'll see.
Found free long-term therapy with a social worker near to me I'm going to try out, which is a relief because I can't afford a psychologist.

So I'll be posting here. I enjoy reading people's stories on here. Great to be a part of a community that understands and won't just tell me to pull myself together.

[Patsy Cline]

Welcome Pastafarianza!!

I'm sorry that you had to suffer through all this madness for 37 years without relief.

There are always going to be ups and downs but with the right meds and support you can enjoy a happy family life. I suffered many years without help, then with the wrong help and when I got the right kind, I breathed a sigh of relief. Now don't get me wrong, my life is far from perfect, but I know now that there is hope. When I'm down, I will come up.

I wish you the best in your endeavors!

[catsrhelm]

Pasta, have you thought about keeping a mood journal? I keep one and it helps me cope with all sorts of things. Everything from my up and down moods to waiting to see the PDoc.

[pastafarianza]

Hi Cats. I've thought about it and will start immediately.
Though at this rate I'll be writing in the thing all bloody day!
It's been fascinating to feel myself slowly come out of the depression I was in 5 weeks ago, for no apparent reason. I didn't exercise, got the same amount of sleep, same job...just fascinating to watch, if you know what I mean.

[gayleggg]

Glad you are feeling better. It's always nice for meds to work like they should. Congratulations.

[pastafarianza]

Well that's the thing. I'm only on my second 25mg tablet as I type this (got the meds yesterday). I'm just heading up.
But it does feel a helluva lot better than depression!

[pastafarianza]

Well, I had what should have been the most stressful weekend of my life. Four performances in 3 days, 5000 km travelled, left waiting at one gig till 3:45am unable to drink or party because I had to drive two of my bandmates home who were drunk and jamming with another band...I felt the anger and betrayal while they left me to wait, knowing we had a 1 hour drive back to our accommodation, knowing I asked to leave at 11:30 after the gig, knackered because I was doing all the driving (5 hours that day plus two 2.5 hour gigs on drums)..but I was able to be calm, to drag them out with dignity and smiles for the client who had booked us, to calmly express my anger and disappointment to them on the way home. It must have been the meds. It was only the 4th day on them but it was so strange feeling that anger and other feelings only go to like 3 out of 10 instead of my usual 6-9.

I can talk to my wife on the phone now for much longer, about boring crap, and not get irritated. Our sex life is vastly improved because I'm giving her attention and love and patience. When I got back monday morning, even though I'd slept only 12 hours since Friday, I felt stretched to the limit but was calm and loving (a bit manic too but I put that down to lack of sleep).

Thank F*** I went to the Pdoc!
There is real hope now.

I look at my behaviour now, and over my life since adolescence and I can see the Bipolar symptoms, the OCD and depression. I feel calm and in control enough to see it coming and choose to act better.
phew

[pastafarianza]

I must just say that it just hit me: What if it wasn't the drugs? Is it possible for them to have helped after only four days?!