going to the Docs today for the first time...

So in about 3 hours I am going to see my doctor for the first time regarding my mental health, me, my wife, and family are almost certain I am either Bipolar (type 2) or have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Can i tell you a little about myself? and what brings me here.

I will make this quick so i don't bore you all into leaving the forums.

My mother is a major depressive and also suffers from anxiety, she was also an alcoholic who has been sober for 4 years.. We are all very proud of her as she is now sober, and this has helped her mental state, and is now becoming a much better person and functioning ember of society.

When i was 13 my grandfather died, he was my best friend. This led me down a bad path, and i become very depressed at this young age. by 19 I was a drug user (addict) and alcoholic. I have been sober and clean for 7 years, but never received treatment before or after. I simply went cold turkey. I was also a prolific self harmer from 16-23

so where am i today..Well, my mother has i have mentioned is a major depressive, my farther in law is Type 1 Bipolar, as is my brother in law.

So why do i think I have type 2 bipolar, or Borderline Personality Disorder. Simply because these member of my family see all the same symptoms in me as themselves, and after research, as do I.

Right now, i would imagine you would say I am in the down cycle...Frankly right now its hard to breathe, i feel so emotionally overwhelmed and miserable that i simply, at time cant catch my breathe. I consider suicide maybe twice a week, but AM NOT suicidal, I promise, I am not about to go out and **** myself, I just entertain the idea of it, due the way i feel. - This is how i feel right now.

I really don't want to go to the doctors today, well part of me doesn't...I think it would be easier to just self destruct which I have always been so good at. The other part of me wants to go to deal with....but the idea of going there and telling my doc i think this is whats wrong with takes my breathe away even more...like the idea of this being me....again makes me rather just self-destruct....

If this is the case...and I am either or one of these things, or both....and i am in a down cycle right now...can someone please tell me how i can get out of this....i know the doctor isn't, or cant instantly fix me...but feeling like this is debilitating...

I also find, if this helps anyone understand where i am, that I am more "down" than "up" I can be down for weeks, and when I'm not really down, I'm just "blah" then when I'm "up" it generally only last a day, maybe 2 at best...

Here are some results from only mental health quizzes i took over at psych-central. I know they are only help point you in the right direction, but I found them to be a harsh reality.

Quiz Name Score Taken on Borderline Personality Quiz 39
Severe Borderline Personality Disorder Likely Today (09/17/13) at 11:26 am Bipolar Quiz 48
Bipolar disorder - Moderate to severe symptoms Today (09/17/13) at 11:24 am Mania Quiz 62
Severe mania Today (09/17/13) at 11:22 am Depression Quiz 67
Severe depression Today (09/17/13) at 11:20 am Quick Depression Quiz 29
Severe/moderate Depression Possible Today (09/17/13) at 11:18 am Bipolar Quiz 52
Bipolar disorder - Moderate to severe symptoms

.....i just feel....overwhelmed, confused, and, that i just cant do this...

I have always been religious...Was a practising Jew...turned to Catholicism...now i don't know where i belong...I feel I abandoned my G-d by turning the Christianly..and now...find myself not knowing who, or how to pray...which used to help me get through these feelings...for the last few years..

I have typed long enough.

little help...

i think I am terrified of going to the doc today...because admitting that i believe i have mild bipolar...an being diagnosed with it will mean facing it.....

and i don't think I have it in me to face it...I am not a fighter, as much as it seems...I have always been very self destructive...and i fear...really...really...fear..

This could be a battle i will not win, because you cant win...just survive..what i have always struggled with anyway...

A year and a half ago, I was where you are right now: depressed, frightened, nervous, and anticipating my first visit to a psychiatrist---half-afraid he'd diagnose me as bipolar, and half-afraid he wouldn't.

All I can tell you is, it DOES get better. It takes awhile, because you've usually got to go through trials of different medications to get to the right combination in the right amounts. You'll also need therapy that will help you learn to replace unhealthy thinking patterns with more positive ones. But one day you'll look around you and see how much your life has improved, and you'll realize that you're not sick anymore.

Trust me, this too shall pass. It always does, even though it might not feel like it right now. Hang in there, and keep posting---this is an excellent support system and best of all, it's FREE!

BipolaRNurse - Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and wisdom, I appreciate you spending a little time to talk with me!

So I went to the Dr...

I feel so much better after...years and years of struggling to go and get this out, I finally did...and i was terrified.

So Can I tell you about my trip? I hope you all don't mind...

I told him everything, everything, which wasn't easy, and he listened, and asked questions about my behaviour to me and my wife (I wasn't brave enough to go alone).

My only negative thing was he was very uninterested in herring the idea i was bipolar (mild, Type 3), or the idea i had borderline personality disorder. I mentioned it twice in passing and all he would say, is no, its depression, its just standard depression.It felt just a little, he didn't want to entertain the idea of BP or BPD, but he DID spend at least 15 minutes listening to everything i had to say..

The battle starts

So treatment
So he started me on Cipralex 10mg but after the pharmacist told me it can cause heart palpitations, i can't take it as 6 years ago i had heart surgery to fix my palpitations, i will go back to see him tomorrow to find out if i can indeed take it still, or get a prescription for a different medication.

He also is sending me to see a psychiatrist - he didn't elaborate why, anyone have any idea what will happen there, or what they will do, or what they are looking for??

Hi,
Generally, psychiatrists are better at managing medications for patients who are suffering with depression issues and if any other mental health issue does come up he or she would be able to recognize it, whereas a general dr does not have that expertise. This forum is a great place to come for support and general advice but I really recommend you also get a therapist to talk to as well. Finding a support group in your area can be of benefit too and in some cases there are both mental health consumer support groups, as well as, family support groups. nami.org is one I am familiar with or dbsalliance
I hope this helps some, best wishes.

I think it's a good thing that your doctor didn't jump to a BP or BPD diagnosis, it's a good sign --these things take some time to figure out and one visit just isn't going to do it.

It does sound like your 'ups' are far more short-lived than what would be typical of bipolar. Milder forms of bipolar do not mean that episodes last for a less amount of time, it just means that the moods themselves are milder. Even 'rapid cycling' only refers to having 4 or more episodes a year, and in this case as well, moods will last at the very least for a few days, though usually longer.

It might be a good idea to keep a mood log. Jot down your moods, how long they last, and also what triggers them (what makes you become sad, irritable, happy). This might help you with your pdoc appointment.

Accurate diagnosis is so important. Not only is it important to get the kind of treatment that will actually help you, but it's certainly not a good idea to take meds that may not help, with all of the short and long-term side effects. If you don't truly need mood stabilizers (i.e. if your ups are not turning your life upside down and inside out) then why suffer all the horrible downsides of them -the side effects, etc.?

I wish you luck with the psychiatrist. They are the experts in diagnosis. Most of all, I hope that you will be able to pull out of this down time --have you considered therapy? Best of luck.

The psychiatrist visit will be about the same you tell them your history, they ask questions both mental and physical. Please look into getting a therapist, I would not tell them you suspected bipolar unless they give you just an anti-depressant.

Ah, yes.....a lot of people make that mistake (go into their first psychiatrist visit and tell the doc what they think they have). I did it too. Mine just asked, "Whatever in the world makes you think you're bipolar?" I proceeded for the next 90 minutes to tell him, and he still wasn't convinced so he gave me a provisional diagnosis of BP-NOS and depression, started me on Lamictal just in case, and told me to call him if things changed.

At the next visit, I was still pretty depressed but getting a little better, but at the third appointment he took one look at me and asked "Wow, are we manic today or what?" I remember wearing a bright printed dress and blue eyeshadow to that visit, and I was pretty much dancing on the moon. That was the first time anyone had ever referred to me with that terminology, but of course it wasn't to be the last.

That was when the depression dx went away, and eventually we narrowed it down to my current BP 1. I am glad he took his time about reaching a definitive diagnosis---it took 15 months, but at least he didn't jump to conclusions, nor was he in a hurry to tag me with such a serious-sounding label.

Bottom line, you don't really WANT a doctor to diagnose you with a serious mental illness based on what he learns in a two-hour visit. Besides, if you do have one, you're going to spend a significant amount of time on his couch (at least in the early going) and that's when the analyzing and evaluating are going to happen---not on the initial visit.

Just my $0.02 worth.

My first diagnosis for a mood disorder was depression, but that's because I lied on the ink blot test and all the other tests in the psychiatric hospital. I was scared to tell them I was having hallucinations and crazy mood swings when I was 15. When I was 20 they rediagnosed me as bipolar 1 with psychotic features after I was hospitalized. I recently been 90% honest and I'm getting rediagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. It takes awhile to get things sorted out and you must not get discouraged by this process. For most diagnoses you have to show certain characteristics for a certain number of years. If a pdoc diagnosed you with something right off the bat it could be devastating.

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all of your replies, I think you are all right. the positives of not being instantly diagnosed is most definitely a good thing.

I thank you for sharing your stories with me, it helped ease my mind a little and put it into the correct perspective.

I had a call today from my Cardiologist and he has informed me that he is not concerned with me taking Cipralex 10mg. However, I am a little nervous of taking it...maybe i should start by cutting them i half and just taking 5mg? - i think the side effects makes me nervous the most....maybe take them at night so i sleep through them?

regarding the psychiatrist appointment, I believe you guys call them Pdocs? I had a call today and found out my first appointment is on Oct 2nd. I think I am still a little confused as to why I was sent to him. If my family Doc thinks i am just suffering from Depression not BP or BPD then i am unsure of why i am going to see the psychiatrist. IF the psychiatrist, thinks or entertains the idea it may be something else other than depression is he able to change the diagnoses, or is he there simply to manage the meds my doc has prescribed?

Regarding therapy: I dont think i could handle that...I don't like talking...it took my wife 6-7 years to get me to go to the doc yesterday...and even then...i struggled to talk to him...

I have a silly question you guys talk about triggers. Can music be a legitimate trigger?

Thanks all, you all seem like great people!

First I'm glad your cardiologist has given you the ok. I would not split the medication without talking to your dr first. A psychiatrist is better with managing medicines for people with depression or any other mental problem. Most general drs are not comfortable with following up on people with depression, that is not their area of expertise. As for a therapist, mine helps me with dealing with everyday things or things that cause me distress, or family issues. She keeps an eye on how my mood appears and has seen me long enough to know when I am beginning to go up or down and we catch the episodes before they get very far. My therapist has saved my life. Obviously the choice is yours. Perhaps a support group where you could sit in until you are comfortable talking would be a better fit. No one is made to talk, sometimes just hearing others' stories helps you feel less alone. I hope this helps.

Music is a HUGE trigger for me. I cant even go to the gym without coming out wired. Whats worse, is if my husband is playing is favorite metal songs...i will try to control myself as long as possible and then I amp out. I have to leave our I will explode. I don't know why i am this way, all i know is that it is what it is. I no longer fight it...I just avoid situations where i have to listen to music that does that to me.

Emom - thank you for your support, and your thoughts, i apprciate it!

middlepath - Thank you for sharing your story, i know music is most likely a trigger for me...these days i try to avoid ALL types of music...i dont seem to handle any of it well..

So...i came really....really far out of my comfort zone....

I called and made a n appointment with a local phycologist.

And just took my first dose of 10mg cipralex....

slightly...uncomfortable right now......

I would think these positive changes would make me feel better...but i feel worse......like its just all to much...

“just suffering from Depression”

Depression is as serious as BP or BPD for some it's more serious. Psychiatrist (Pdoc) are specially trained to care for mental illness. I am very surprised your family doctor even gave you medication as you see your Pdoc. In 2 weeks.

As for therapy they are trained in how to get people to trust them enough to talk. You can even bring your wife. After 3 years my husband still likes me in the room, mainly to call his BS, and mention anything that he forgets to mention. My therapist had me keep a mood/event/thought chart so that she could see my day to day thoughts. It's a lot easier for me to write than talk so for awhile anything I couldn't answer I'd write about after session.

As far as reasons to see a pdoc: I'd focus on consulting one to receive treatment that will hopefully help you. They're not just there to diagnose, especially as it can take a long time to come to a conclusion.

The question is: how and what do you feel, how is your functioning? A pdoc can start treating your symptoms, if you *and* he/she feel -together- that it is necessary, before making a diagnosis.

I am not enjoying these Cipralex

Ok, I'm only on day 3... but getting out fo bed is hard....i just want to lay there....

My mood is lifting, i believe i am slowly coming "up" but my pessimism still is in high gear

id like to thank all of you, I'm pleased i found this forum.

I have my appointment with the physiologist next Saturday..... i instantly felt sick....

The half life of Cipralex is 27–32 hours. So you may want to see if taking it at night makes your day easier.