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  #1  
Old Sep 22, 2013, 11:10 AM
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Switch Switch is offline
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Hey pc long time no see.
It's switch again lost in a world of grey quickly fading to black. I've been on lithium for a while and it use to keep these times away but lately it's been getting harder and harder to get out of bed. I just started school for the first time since my dx 2ish years ago, and I knew it would be hard but I didn't think I'd slip this fast. I can't get out of the apartment to get to school, can't leaves room because I don't want my boyfriend to see me crying, I'm having trouble eating and I keep asking myself "why do I try" and not having an answer.

Today is mabon, a harvest holiday in my faith. I completely forgot. I'll be celebrating it, but likely in a corner at my boyfriends moms house while everyone hunkers down to watch breaking bad and dexter.

I'm starting to slip into sui risk. I'm not there yet but it's starting. I haven't been able to see my T, cbt instructor, or case worker in overs month. I'm scared to go back to hospital. I really don't want that. My cbt instructor isn't going to be happy with me because its been so long and I've messed up big time. I'm getting trapped again and I feel like I can't talk to anyone.
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"You can't hop a jet plain like you can a freight train" - Gordon Lightfoot

"It starts with light, and ends with light, and in between there is darkness" -I forget

"Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight" -BNL
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  #2  
Old Sep 22, 2013, 11:28 AM
Revu2 Revu2 is offline
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Quote:
It's switch again lost in a world of grey quickly fading to black....

I'm starting to slip into sui risk.
Share here your staying alive plan. Tell your BF, and let him support you as best you can. Find your local sui prev # and give them a call, for practice.

Identify your strongest ancestors, role models, etc. and imagine them supporting you and loving you. Ask them internally to stand strong with you because you have some work to do ... such as ...

Focus on one of the voices, triggers, whatever it is that trying to dominate you and tell in to Back Off. It won't be fast or easy, but every second you stay in this challenge you grow stronger, IT grows weaker.

Take a breather, lite an incense, and declare I won't deal with you while this incense is burning down.

Find an anthem song and declare it's your theme music, and then play it repeatedly to keep you strong and diligent.

We love you.
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  #3  
Old Sep 22, 2013, 11:33 AM
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A Red Panda A Red Panda is offline
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It's definitely time to head back to your T, even if it's really hard for you.

School is really hard. It's a very stressful environment, and it's ok that you're struggling.

What has helped you in the past? I tend to go back to my past experiences and remind myself of what helped me get out of the depression (or, at least, what helped me function even if I felt like dying). Like... for me personally? It was forcing myself to do the basic things that I knew I needed to do - going to class, eating a meal, having a shower... etc. I might not have felt up to it at all, but I would do it anyway. Sure, I might go to class and not pay the slighest ounce of attention to it... but at least I was there, right? And eventually I'd start to pay attention to little bits and pieces until I found myself more able to participate. Can you find a way to force yourself into doing something, despite how much it might pain you to do it?

It's good that you've came here to talk a bit, that's a start right!
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..."

"I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am.


  #4  
Old Sep 22, 2013, 11:40 AM
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Victoria'smom Victoria'smom is online now
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there's no way that you messed up, is CBT therapist should not be upset with you. You can't control these things. sense you see yourself slipping into suicidal tendencies is there anything you can do to protect yourself. please take precautions to protect yourself from things you may harm your self with. This may mean tuning over all silverware, razors, meds and getting rid of all house hold chemicals. Put in more safety measures then the hospital would. Call on Monday and try to get an emergency appointment with all of your treatment team so you can use the soonest appointment. Also make sure you call your pdoc because if you get your meds changed you may not have to be hospitalized. It will help that you aren't a threat to your self yet.
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  #5  
Old Sep 22, 2013, 11:41 AM
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It's never been officially worked out but I have a list of things that I have to do every day: eat, take my meds, only stay in bed 10h tops, shower and brush my teeth. That sort of stuff. And I've asked my boyfriend many times before, but whenever I am actually doing badly (not just pissed off at him) he doesn't remember to do anything. He's got really bad ADD so trying to get him to remember important things, and trying to get him to work with me rather than just try and understand what's going on, is really difficult.

All my other coping techniques are for anxiety. Ive spent the last year dealing with social phobia and being glad my lithium was working so well. I feel desperately unprepared.

Revu2, I'm going to try some of those things you said. Music helps sometimes especially.
__________________
"You can't hop a jet plain like you can a freight train" - Gordon Lightfoot

"It starts with light, and ends with light, and in between there is darkness" -I forget

"Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight" -BNL
Hugs from:
A Red Panda
  #6  
Old Sep 22, 2013, 11:58 AM
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A Red Panda, I know you're right. Unfortunately I've been trying to do just that. Especially been trying to get ahold of my case manager, but every time I get an appointment with her she has to cancel because of some emergency. I'm not mad at her for this, just frustrated. As for my T, it's been hard to get our schedules to meet up. And besides, we end up talking about my boyfriend and two people with serious mental health issues living together and that sort of stuff. I've been trying my best to get ahold of them... except my CBT instructor because I'm scared.

Usually I start rapid cycling for a few weeks then it all sort of goes away. I'm trying to stick to a routine, and having the house clean always helps me but it's been really hard to get it clean, especially since I haven't had the energy and my bf keeps forgetting what I asked him to do, or only doing half of it. His type of clean, not mine. I also use to spend a lot of time on PC when things were getting really bad, which is why I came back.

Miguel'sMom, Thank you for the reaffirmation. I know he's not going to be mad logically - he's proven that time and time again - I've just put it off so long that I feel like I can't go back. I took a vacation, and said I'd call him after, but school started the week I got back so I never did... now I feel like he's forgotten me.
I know the first thing I reach for when I'm sui is my boyfriends sleeping pills. He use to be on trazadone, and I had been forcibly drugged with that before, so he asked his doctor to change. I don't know the name of what he's on now, but that's a lot easier to deal with... still, last time I ended up in hospital it was because I downed the whole bottle. When I get really depressed I start taking any pill I see, no questions asked. I also start smoking a lot of weed which only makes me more depressed. I'm really trying not to because I don't even like smoking weed, I just do it because it makes my brain numb. On top of all of this I want to quit smoking cigarettes, but I think the stress of that might kill me, especially since I don't smoke enough for NRT to benefit me.

I don't have a pdoc. I use to, but he caused a very traumatic event in my life resulting in the death of a good friend and me almost dying, so I don't see him any more. Since then I haven't been able to get another pdoc, even after hospital over christmas. No one will take me because my case is too complex. I live in Toronto, and my case manager and GP have sent my file to every pdoc they can think of, and any hospital I am in area for and no one will take me because I'm too f*cked up and crazy.

sorry. I wanted these replies to be short and i just ended up ranting...
__________________
"You can't hop a jet plain like you can a freight train" - Gordon Lightfoot

"It starts with light, and ends with light, and in between there is darkness" -I forget

"Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight" -BNL
  #7  
Old Sep 22, 2013, 11:58 AM
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A Red Panda A Red Panda is offline
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Well, it sounds like you have been taking steps to help yourself! That's great news Switch. Have you been managing to do those things?

Have you talk with your school and do you have accommodations? You could possibly have it arranged so that you can get the notes from the lectures you are missing, so that you could go over things on your own. Accommodations like that can be possible and that might help alleviate some of the pressure to head out?
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..."

"I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am.


  #8  
Old Sep 22, 2013, 12:26 PM
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Switch Switch is offline
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I'm sucking the disability office for all it's worth! *insert vampire smile here*

I've got a bunch of assistive tech, as long as accommodations for absence and extensions on assignments. It's just a lot of that is hard to work with since most of the work is group work right now, and I have a LD that makes it hard to re-cap work if I wasn't there to hear it. I am an extremely auditory learner.

As for the steps to help myself today... well, there's going on here. This thread alone has helped a lot. Though I'm still feeling really messed up and I know it's not going to last too long, the distraction is helping me keep my mind off my feelings while still dealing with them. I've showered. I've asked my boyfriend to clean the kitchen and I think he actually did.... but other than that not much. I've been saying I am going to eat for a while and I haven't. I also said I was going to cook something because it's a holiday and I want to do something for that, but even thinking about it is making me cry. I was suppose to go out and meet my group for field work, but I haven't. But I got my boyfriend to text them and tell them I'm sick and they said they were thinking of rescheduling anyway.

__________________
"You can't hop a jet plain like you can a freight train" - Gordon Lightfoot

"It starts with light, and ends with light, and in between there is darkness" -I forget

"Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight" -BNL
  #9  
Old Sep 22, 2013, 12:43 PM
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A Red Panda A Red Panda is offline
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Hey, when it comes to needing distractions I take whatever I can get!

And if you're an auditory learner... can you get permission to ahve soemone put a recorder up near your profs and record the lecture? I know a lot of people do that! All you need is someone else there for the days that you aren't up to attending.
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..."

"I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am.


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