[Secretum]

I'm an extremely internally focused person. I'm smart, ambitious, creative...but no one knows this and I can't do anything to help anyone because I spend 90% of my time daydreaming. I have ideas for projects-novels, organizations, etc. but I can't bring ANY of it to completion. My grades are crap because I can't remember to study until the day of the exam. Every semester, I make plans to study everyday, do all the readings...and it never works out. It doesn't matter how badly I want it, it doesn't matter how hard I try...all my progress is wiped away the moment I turn a blind eye, do what is natural for me, and turn my attention inward...before I know it, HOURS, DAYS, and MONTHS have passed.

I've tried therapy; absolutely no help. I've tried brute force, which worked in high school until I hit a really bad depression. I need to be an acheiver, a person who gets things done in the world. That is the reason why I was born. I hate the person that I am. I hate being trapped in my mind.

I think that this is the result of having untreated ADHD, but there is nothing I can do about it. I can't take stimulants because I have a history of seizure disorder...

Please help.

[BlueInanna]

Hey S yes I was thinking ADHD too... There are non stimulant meds these days. I heard of a supposedly amazing one called Ovugil I think. I know 2 dr's who take it. But it sounds very very expensive. Might be worth looking into. Maybe only needed on certain days. I might try it soon. Amazing what a difference adderall made for me - kept me employeed and running the business. I didn't need it every day. But I'm so day dreamy & easily distracted, ADHD no doubt. And the med suddenly made me able to organize all the intelligence in my brain. It's like we hold so much info without enough file cabinets. So frustrating! I'm not pro-med, but something that organizes my mind is amazing. I thrive on functioning and using my brain. When the bpII dx came along, she tortuously made me prove myself not to go manic before considering allowing me an ADHD med again. Ughh it was so obvious that the AD's were the problem throwing me into hypo/mania, plus the natural cycles of bp. Hang in there, might be an answer. Also - what about a tutor to help you out & help focusing. I think a personal assistant would help me so much, just need to make a bit more money.

[BlueInanna]

How you doing sweets? I loved your FB post, showed an amazing drive & confidence, so proud of you! You are one of the most intelligent people I know - you can do this!

[dubblemonkey]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I'm an extremely internally focused person. I'm smart, ambitious, creative...but no one knows this and I can't do anything to help anyone because I spend 90% of my time daydreaming. I have ideas for projects-novels, organizations, etc. but I can't bring ANY of it to completion. My grades are crap because I can't remember to study until the day of the exam. Every semester, I make plans to study everyday, do all the readings...and it never works out. It doesn't matter how badly I want it, it doesn't matter how hard I try...all my progress is wiped away the moment I turn a blind eye, do what is natural for me, and turn my attention inward...before I know it, HOURS, DAYS, and MONTHS have passed.

I've tried therapy; absolutely no help. I've tried brute force, which worked in high school until I hit a really bad depression. I need to be an acheiver, a person who gets things done in the world. That is the reason why I was born. I hate the person that I am. I hate being trapped in my mind.

I think that this is the result of having untreated ADHD, but there is nothing I can do about it. I can't take stimulants because I have a history of seizure disorder...

Please help.

I am sorry for you.....

you are at such risk of truly hating yourself

your daydreaming has such influence.... maybe if you stopped being angry with that side of yourself you might discover a wonderful new reward...

trying to turn your blue into green?
does not work fighting who we are?

occasionally we are forced to return to ourselves and quickly forgotten is the accidental horror of who we were never meant to be...

sometimes our decisions dump seriously uncomfortable pressure on us...

and I expect you insist on weaving your way through the terrible web of fiddly nasty failure fingers...

I have no advice

I just hope you can manage

[venusss]

Dubble might be on something.

You seem to be so... hard on yourself. And medicalizing the hate. Yeah, you maybe ADHD... but maybe you plain escape into your world because you are disatisfied with your life... how you view it should be.

Look, you are not the only student how procrastrinates. 99% of population do. You are in school,likely passing through somehow... maybe that's good enough in itself. Maybe you can find ways to find passion in your studies. That's how I gotten through my Uni... my studies being part of my world... I obsessevily became miss academia. I had online friends to discuss my stuff with even and such.

There's many ways to study. Find yours. And accept yourself. And don't medicalize yourself, cause it only ends up with "there's nothing I can do...". There are quite a few things that you can do. And... stimulants will not give you the will power to acutally do **** anyways. Many nights I took some OTC stimulants... lots of them... and blown the energy and focus on being very focused on fashion spreads or building kickass cities in Pharaoh (apparently, stimulants helped to win the hard levels, but eh).

Sorry if I come off bit harsh, but I like you and I want you to do your best. Don't hide behind your labels. Thrive. Like the person you like, the flaws and awkwardness and all. Don't overanalyze how are you different from others and how it's gonna doom you. I speak from my own experience when I say that low self-esteem or selfdislike is the biggest killer when it comes to getting things in life. Daydreaming happens mostly when one is dissatisfied with current life.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think Venus advice is awesome and should be meditated on.

Her post helped me!

[Anika.]

Secretum, have told you many times in the past that I have faith in you, still do.

James and Venus are both onto something. I agree that being stuck in ones mind is escapism, I bet there are many of us that have done this. I did for years and years, because daydreaming was better than the life I was living. But if I choose not to adress this and just kept dreamjng I would never be living the life I want. I don't think there is a pill for this one.

Why does it never work out? What is it that keeps you from following through? It's hard to follow through on anything if you are hating on yourself. It does take belief in oneself to bring goals to fruitation. Maybe that is what you are missing.

I am finally working on acheiving my goals. It's new terrain for me to have real solid belief in myself. If I look back through my life usually the only thing ever really standing in my way has always been me.. Luckily if anyone can overcome the obstacle of "me", that would also be me.

I am a little didferent than you maybe, although similar in thoughts of having to be an acheiver, failing was never good enough the way I saw it. But I was also a "no man" or woman. Presented with an opportunity I would instantly decline out of fear and lack of bellief in myself at the same time as failing not being good enough...all the while having a fear of succeeding...funny how that works. So I am leaening how to become a "yes man" . But that yes, has to start in my own mind.

And that nike slogan, for as much as I may not love the corporation...the slogan "just do it" very much is in line with saying yes, and way not do it. There is no good reason not to. And there is no good reason to ait around thinking about doing it, so just do it works for me.

I don't believe it is what is natural for us but is what is comfortable, what we have learned to do and do so automatically that it feels natural. Why can't that evolve just as we do?

I think it is the result of hating yourself ..at least in part, wanting and needing to be an acheiver and at the same time lacking the faith in oneself to pull it off so you retreat inward because that is where you can acheive in dreaming and not have to deal with you. There is no pressure in daydreaming, no failure, and once you do succees there is no pressure to keep producing the same results consistantly.

Like Venus I want to see you succeed, I want you to love who you are and I want you to have the life you desire to have. I want you to be able to create it.

And also the result of often feeling like something is beyond our control, or out of our hands, like a seperate entity that can affect us but we cannot affect it. Until we see that it is coming from us, it's not really some other thing, it's us. If you realize that you may start to realize that you can affect it, you can change it. Bur you know I would say that about bipolar and adhd and any other illness or obstacle in life, there is always a way to work with it, or beyond it. Your enprisoned but yet hold the key to freedom.

"What appears to be coming at you, is coming from you" ~ Jack Flanders business card.... a very wise insight I think

Just wanted to add to James and Venus's posts.

[Secretum]

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and opinions. Venus, that is a very good point that I daydream because I'm dissatisfied with my life. The only problem is that I can't get a life I'm satisfied with, because I spend too much time daydreaming! lol

The past few days have actually been fairly good, productivity-wise. I felt for a few hours that maybe I could be the woman I want to be-the one who is constantly doing important things and is always on the go. I got really angry yesterday at my life and all the obstacles in my way and the fact that I'm not strong enough to overcome them...then I went to the gym and took out all that rageful energy on an exercise bike. I haven't exercised in over a year, but I think that I should make it more of a priority. Maybe if I could control my body would gain more control over my life.

I submitted my application for medical school yesterday, so my life does have purpose. I'm just so scared that I'll just barely get through med school, and then I'll be the kind of doctor who isn't passionate about medicine, who doesn't give 110% to her patients like they deserve.

Thanks for listening!