[comicgeek007]

I have been extremely depressed for a few weeks. A little over a week ago I made another sui attempt. Since then I've SI'd almost every day and slept as much as possible, even taking naps on the couch in one of the student hang out rooms. I've had trouble motivating myself to do the most benign things - showering, for example. Besides studying my behind off near the beginning of feeling like this, I've done the minimum work required in favor of sleeping more so I wouldn't have to.deal with my self destructive thoughts for a while. But last night, I couldn't get to sleep until past 4am and when i woke up a couple of hours later, I couldn't fall back asleep. I layed in bed until almost noon trying to get a decent amount of sleep, but i was never able to fall back asleep. Now I'm exhausted but unable to take a nap and just otherwise feeling horrible.

Whining over.

[ultramar]

I'm so sorry, Comicgeek. You sound like you're in such a bad place. Is therapy helping at all? Could you maybe have more/extra sessions with your therapist to help you get through this?

It occurs to me now, though I'm really not sure of the chronology, that weren't you recently taken off of the AD you were taking? Do you think you need to be on one (sorry if I'm off, I have a vague recollection of this)?

I know this may sound extreme, but would it be possible to take some time off from school? Whether the stress of school is playing any role in this or not, maybe it's not helping? Would being home for a little while help?

I remember you considering DBT at some point -have you been able to get into a group? I understand this can help with SH, amongst other things.

I hope you reach out for some extra help -I think you need it right now. I know it may seem hopeless as the moment, but you will eventually pull out of this, just please ask for help?

[comicgeek007]

heh heh... funny story about therapy. I neither have the money nor the transportation to accomplish therapy. And I had fairly recently had to ask my dad for money, so I'm really reluctant to ask him again so soon. It's not like I was wasting money, though. I had to pay dues for my fraternity and get food ( how in the world does food cost that much??). I still feel really uncomfortable about asking for more money.

Yeah, I was fairly recently taken off the AD officially, and hadn't been taking it anyway for about a month more. Pdoc took me off it because she thought it was causing me to cycle really fast ( I don't know. Maybe I'm BPD after all. No one's suggested it for me though. Screw it! I don't really care).

If I went home, I would be beating myself up for being more of a failure than usual. I don't see it as a viable option because I would be just as, if not more stressed at home between beating myself.up and my parents imminent move cross country.

Nope. Because student counseling services wants nothing to do with me.

I'll ask for help, but I don't really know where I should go for it right now.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. When I'm depressed I try to sleep as much as possible and when I can't get to sleep it leaves me even more depressed. I'm sorry I don't have any solution but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[monochromatic]

Comicgeek, that sounds so terrible (and familiar).

My pdoc is taking me off my AD too (also causing bad reactions). it's not just you.
If you're looking for some things to make you feel better in the interim, here are some things that really helped me.

1. Try to get some sunshine every day (Even if you take a nap in the sun)
2. Vitamins. I love "Emergen-C" packets, they give me a boost of energy too. Also, magnesium and Vit D have really helped.
3. Exercise. Which is so hard to get when you're depressed. I am terrible at doing this. I try to just go for a walk when I'm feeling impossible.
4. Quitting caffeine. I still have trouble waking up, but I feel a lot less groggy as a whole. I don't feel dependent on it anymore to just be awake.

I hope things get better soon.

^^ Some great advice there. When I am depressed all I want to do is sleep as well. But this is not helpful, the more I sleep the more tired I get, and if I sleep for more than 10 hours a day, then I am pretty much asking to be depressed. A sleep routine can be so important for many of us that suffer with BP.

Have you tried to find any therapy resources online? There are things you can do without a T that will be helpful.

[Moose72]

Have you tried getting a few walks in a day? Its still nice weather out and exercise could help your mood.

[ultramar]

I thought therapy was covered by your insurance plan (you posted the plan information on a thread once)? Assuming it's covered, then the remaining issue would be transportation, in which case you would need to find a therapist accessible by public transport.

If your insurance changed and will no longer pay for therapy, maybe the school counseling service can refer you to low-cost or free therapy and somewhere reachable by public transport (I assume your transportation issues are because you don't have a car?). Even though they cannot help you, I suspect they would feel responsible for referring you to a place that can and that you have access to. If nothing else, they'd have liability on their hands. Please give it a try!

Also, I don't know how tight money is with your father, but do you think he might be willing to give you the necessary money for therapy if he knew what you're going through? It sounds like he has helped you get services before (back home) and I would just think he'd want to help you given the situation you're in. You wouldn't have to give him details, necessarily, just that you're in a very bad place, potentially unsafe, and need help.

[comicgeek007]

Only problem is, I just plain have NO insurance because my dad never signed up for the other insurance and I can't pay for it myself so it just never got done.

The place I'm going IS supposed to be the 'low cost' option. Okay, it is pretty darn low cost all things considered, but $20 a week (plus transportation if it's not one of my friends) is expensive for a college student with no real income besides a few art commissions (which I have had 0 motivation to do as of late, so my fault) and some small MoneyGram transfers from my dad. I sucked it up and talked to my dad about it and so he's going to send me some money ASAP. which is good, because I seriously have about $10 and that's it.

[~Christina]

Sounds like your in a real tough place right now.. I'm glad you did talk to your Dad and he is able to help you out financially.

I know you had a bad trip inpatient there once so your probably going to have keep pushing to find the help you need ! I doubt you want another inpatient stay.

You said you made a Sui attempt last week? This isn't something to fool around with.. Did you tell any one about it? Seriously ... I know you feel there is no hope and can't find motivation for much ... Really try Mindfulness..Just stay in the moment..

Program your crisis hotline number into your phone , just in case, they can help.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by comicgeek007

Only problem is, I just plain have NO insurance because my dad never signed up for the other insurance and I can't pay for it myself so it just never got done.

The place I'm going IS supposed to be the 'low cost' option. Okay, it is pretty darn low cost all things considered, but $20 a week (plus transportation if it's not one of my friends) is expensive for a college student with no real income besides a few art commissions (which I have had 0 motivation to do as of late, so my fault) and some small MoneyGram transfers from my dad. I sucked it up and talked to my dad about it and so he's going to send me some money ASAP. which is good, because I seriously have about $10 and that's it.

I'm so glad your father is going to send you money -I hope it can help you pay for the therapy.

Could you apply for insurance now? Maybe it wouldn't go into effect for a certain amount of months, but at least then you would have it. This is so vital!

Have you been able to go to therapy at all since you went back to school? Do you have access to your pdoc?

I hope your father, in knowing you're going through such a rough time, will be able to send you the $20 (plus transportation) for weekly therapy. I think this is your way through this, plus as has been suggested, mindfulness could help --you could look it up on line and try to start working on it.

I know you don't want inpatient (who does?) so the quicker you kick this in the bu** and start up therapy again, the better you're going to feel, and quicker!