[Stone83]

Hi. I am new to all this "support" stuff, but I thought I would try. I have a very supportive partner, but I am having trouble none the less. I have been diagnosed with bipolar, PSTD, and brain damage. still I feel unsure of things. one day I feel like there is nothing wrong with me the next there is nothing right. I really want to be there for my family, so I joined y'all to see if this would help. Here is my question:
Does anyone else feel like there are three of you? I have the professional me. That's the one that can go to work and deal with everything on a supperfical level. Is in control most of the time, yet very devious. The second is a very evil person. Constantly wanting to burn up my life. Everything good about my life he tries to ruin. I constantly fight not to let him take over. A few times he has. Everyday I battle not to just give in. The only thing that helps is having a great family and gabapentin. I find myself looking for relief with alcohol and pain pills. The third person is only known by my wife and me. My wife belives that is who I really am. He fights to do what is right and be good, but he is struggling. I do not feel I am naturally prone to be this person. I feel as though I have created him. I feel very little emotion most of the time and just do what I reason is the exeptable thing. The only emotions I feel I have is anger, fear, and happiness. When expressed very very intense. Now I wonder who am I?
Thank you for your time. Any input welcome. I have been without a doc. for years.

Hmm, that's interesting. While many of us manage to more or less "keep up appearances" so to speak in our work lives, it is hard work. I don't know anyone who can do that consistently (it's possible they may exist I suppose, it's just hard to imagine(!)...). So in that sense there can be a bit of feeling there's the (somewhat) "together" person "the world" sees and the other times when we cannot maintain it. But, that could probably be said of people with any number of mental issues (ie., certainly not exclusive to bipolar).

Naturally, we cannot diagnose. In reading the things you've talked about though, I really don't see anything that would suggest bipolar. It would definitely be a good idea to see a psychological professional -- as in: a psychiatrist. (NOT a GP. GPs -- even with the best of intentions, are simply out of their depth in such a complex field. Certainly a GP may able to refer you to a psychiatrist, just don't let them play one on tv ) Again with the caveat of not attempting to diagnose... are you at all familiar with dissociative disorders? It kind of came to mind, though I admit to know but a little of them. There is a page right here at PsychCentral that has links to various disorders the you might find interesting: Mental Disorders & Conditions - DSM . Don't forget that one must always guard against trying to self-diagnose though. It's complex stuff, symptoms overlap, degree of impairment etc that play into it. If you have brain damage, it seems likely that that could also be a factor in what you are experiencing.

One thing, and you may not want to hear this, but in order for any psychiatrist to get a handle on what's actually going on mentally, the drinking and pills will have to go. Those present problems and symptoms themselves, to say nothing of making a complex situation even more tangled. How could they possibly begin to sort out what is causing what, after all?(!) (You can certainly contact them without first accomplishing this though(!) Just let them know, and they can advise you from there. There are many people with dual diagnoses, which is to say issues with substance abuse as well.)

Please do see a professional though. This is obviously causing you a great deal of distress. It sounds like you have such an understanding and supportive wife -- imagine what a wonderful thing for you both to be able to do something positive to help the situation! Best of luck and welcome to the forums!

[Stone83]

Thank you . I don't use the pils regularly. Though I want to. I seem to turn to them when it gets real bad. Nor do I use alcohol reg. the fa sod of a regular person is not always in control, just does better than the other ones. I agree that the bipolar diagnoses might be wrong yet I fit a lot of the symptoms. Just wondering if anyone can relate with how I feel. Thank you again. I really appreciate you responding, and I will give a lot of thought to what you have said.

[mzunderstood79]

I know exactly where you are coming from!! I feel like a lot of people rolled into one and they are wound so tightly together that I can't tell them apart sometimes.....

Ahhh, that's good to hear on the pills and drinking front, Stone83! As minor league as they are these days, I'm certainly not immune to such temptations either. Between the intensity of the pain and needing so badly for my brain to just STFU... yeah, I get that.

Back to your question on the feeling of being more than one person, I've given it some more thought and....it doesn't seem that way to me but for being unable to give definitive answers to a lot of questions. It's like I need to know if I should answer for when I'm hypo or depressed. Invariably (lol), they will say something like, "oh, just what's typical". This is no help, as it totally matters which "mode" I am answering for because the answers are for the most part polar opposites! Hmmm. Which, in a sense, is asking "which one of me" you are asking about. (Ask anyone. Far more often than not my answer to just about everything is, "it depends..." lol.)

Also, it's probably fair to say that people who know me might well think of me as two different people -- the one that bounces around yapping a mile a minute and laughing at a whole lot of nothing (etc.) and the one that hardly says a word and is off in her own world, downcast and expressionless. (There's time in the middle too of course, but you gather the point.) They never have to wonder where they stand with me. I don't shift around running hot and cold with others. Which is probably important to say, because they know it's all me and nothing to do with them. So they can clearly see Tigger or Eyeore unimpeded by the lens of personal involvement. All that to say, it's pretty crisp, and so could objectively be seen by others as two different people.

That's as closely as I can relate. I know who I am. Life is almost totally in grays to me and dichotomies are no problem to hold side by side without distress. So I am all the things I am. Easy-going all the way to rabid wolverine, It's all one. They don't fight (not to say I don't have to stifle sometimes, lol). They just are. Maybe it's a perspective thing??

Sorry to blather on so....must be thinking aloud (BF says I do that a LOT, lol.) Even so, couldn't come up with an additional person/persona...

(P.S. It feels like I can relate a lot to your wife in the "seeing the true person". My BF is highly changeable in thought patterns. It is distressing to see when he is "off", because he cannot understand the extent. But when he gets back "to his real self" it is such a joy. )

[Stone83]

Thank you again. I see what you are saying, and mabe I am being to technical. Sometimes I do that. I look at things at the most simple forms. I appreciate you saying you are everything. You are right. This is who I am. I just struggle daily to control myself, and in have a growing feeling of not wanting to. It is so exhausting to "function", though ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you I am far from normal. I get most of my friends when manic. I avoid everyone when down as much as I can. When I can't I just say I have a headache. Now I am rambling. Thank you, your genuineness comes through.