before diagnosis?

Bipolar Hallucidations: Before Diagnosis

What did you go through before you finally got your bipolar diagnosis? What were your symptoms in hindsight?

In those days I just thought that I'm really good at picking myself up and dusting myself off. Always coming out on top, the very top. I found it so weird every time I would cry for noting, like it's never happened before. Then I'd be like 'I can't believe how bad I felt yesterday because today everything is so fine'
I always thought something must be wrong with me, surely, as if it was the strangest thing. I didn't suffer from depression, I was just 'feeling really depressed' I didn't have a clue that a thing like mania or hypomania exists, never hear the term?
When a concerned friend brought some printed out pages on 'bipolar' or 'depression' or what ever it was, I threw it in the bin without looking at it. I think that's where awareness (and probably denial) set in. It wasn't until two years later that I started reading up on it and eventually went to go see a physiatrist.
Sometimes I miss those days of blissful unawareness. It was just me, it was just life.
Hindsight explains so many crazy behaviors and dark days, if only I knew (or acknowledged) it earlier.
What does hindsight look like for you?

I'm a late bloomer to bp dx, but had many years of minor depressions over the years with some 'waking up' happening in the spring. Winter 05/06 I became manic, was sleeping very little, very creative, had an affair online, got depressed May 06, manic again July 06, bought a plane ticket to see my online love, which meant leaving my hub and teen sons, got caught, broke up, went through depression in Sept 06 that lasted through April 07. Was dxed bipolar in October 06. Been going through ups and downs ever since. Strangely enough, my bipolar coincides with the beginning of my perimenopause symptoms. Hot flasshes, night sweats, change in periods and change in pms symptoms.

I had a major neck injury which preceded my original mania episode. Prior to that I was out of control and reckless. Didn't really know the cause, just thought it was youthful attitude. However, after about two weeks of not sleeping I finally called a therapist after I started having thoughts that IBM was monitoring or trying to protect me. I thought everything that was happening to me was a test from the government or to make me into a civil solider. I thought the center of the world was coming to my hometown and the rest of the world was falling apart. I had thoughts that everything was falling apart and failing around me.

Basically I thought the world was destructing, when in actuality it was just me that was falling apart.

I did impulsive things starting at about 6 years old. Maybe that's just when I remember from. Like picking every feather out of a down filled coat. When my Mom came to discipline me I could see her killing me in my mind. So I screamed and ran away. I was my parents weird child.

At 8 I had recurring visions of being beaten up. My Mom gave me make-up and I put bruises and cuts all over myself. My moms fear of me intensified.

My 1st experience with extreme sound sensitivity was around puberty with vacuuming. I remember then also starting to see the color red brighter then the other colors at certain times. I know now this is a symptom I get when I am hypo to manic.

As a teen I was very depressed. I often saw myself walking into traffic or being beat up, but I grew up this way and thought everyone's brains worked like that. My depression lead to a suicide attempt and my first hospitalization. The doctor misdiagnosed me with a personality disorder and then discharged me to my Dad with the words... Get her out of here she will never get well! I guess he was right in a way.

I impulsively got 6 holes pierced in my ears and dyed my hair purple. I don't know why and I wasn't rebelling. I'm from a religious family. My Mom lost it and I saw her killing me. I ran away from home.

I adopted this adventure seeking persona and took up thrill sports. It hid my quirks and my highs. Off and on I would go and see a GP for depression and I would take a few pills and be very cured. I never sought treatment for my mania. I felt like I was normal and the rest of the world was flat-line. I still fought visions in my head. I had auditory music hallucinations. I sometimes couldn't get out of bed.

One time in early spring I rowed my kayak across the lake practicing my eskimo rolls as I went. I felt so talented that I didn't need my floatation or dry suit. I got half-way across and ended up out of my boat and swimming dragging a sinking kayak with me. I had hypothermia by the time I got to shore and at one point nearly fell asleep swimming.

At 24 a GP convinced me to go see a psychiatrist. I had an intense fear because of the treatment I got as a teen. At 25 I was properly diagnosed and it felt like a huge relief. I had been trying to control something that wasn't controllable without help.

Thank you RR18.

I've had problems ever since I was a teenager, so for years I got labeled with everything. When I was 18 I ended up in a hospital diagnosed with BP and out on lithium. I thought they were crazy because I never had UPs. I was just depressed! I ignored it for seven years and just soldiered on through my depressions, still convinced that hypomania was be made up by psychiatrists to drug people. When I finally accepted the dx this year (due to a couple of undeniable full blown manias) I was able to look back to that time and see things that could have been hypomania. Instances of higher energy, irritability, etc. stuff I would have written off at the time.

I've had symptoms since I was around 14/15. My sister is MI, and told me repeatedly that I should go to a pdoc. When I was 23, I was diagnosed as having GAD. At 30 my General Practitioner referred me to a pdoc. I ended up being told I was Bipolar I and BPD. Looking back, I see many instances of bp behavior. I've been so depressed that I've attempted suicide twice. I've been manic much more than depressed. My worst episodes involve spending massive amounts of money, and terrible decisions about love and sex, and alcohol and drug use. I sat down and counted the jobs I've had, and I've had 17 jobs in 17 years, but I was unemployed 6 of those. I've been in many verbal altercations and a couple of physical ones. This never struck me as odd behavior.

I've had BP since a kid. I always knew that if I said what was going on I'd never be released from jail. When I learned about psych wards I knew I'd never be let out or we'd be taken away. There was a lot of conversations about relinquishing custody of us (my older sister was worse) or my parents separating for my mom and my younger sister safety.

As a kid I had periods of no sleep, hallucinations, threatening my parents life with knives, and spending weeks crying and hiding because they deserved a better child.

As a pre-teen/early teen I spent my time being hypersexual, cutting, and generally flipping out (pretty sure I was bipolar because my sister was dx'd)

14-15- required by school to go to therapy, mostly psychotic and on drugs

16-drugs, homeless, sleeping around or non-responsive, and trying to harm myself in class, drinking in school (School threatening Involuntarily committing me daily)
17- Transferred (on my birthday) to a GED therapeutic day program, OD'd because time was running to slow, dx'd anorexic/bulimic and depression (living with my parent's)

mid-17 - Went to college, slept around almost kicked out due to mixed, met husband got engaged 2 weeks after meeting, Failed out of college

18- homeless, got an apartment, my dad applied for ssi for me, I applied at several strip clubs for bar tending, got SSI, decided to have a kid, husband asked me to go to therapy but I didn't know I had insurance. Got pregnant, my husband lost his job because of my instability and physical health. Had my son.

19- spent most of the time non-responsive crying or locking myself in the bathroom so I don't harm my son, became homeless, had surgery and moved cross country on $500. found housing, started college, had several emotional affairs, partied, refusing to interact with my husband or son, Sister in-law and cousin in-law moved in, my husband got a job, moved apartments.

20- Depressed but interacting brought home a homeless person, several time homeless and husband lost his job.

21- moved cross country dysphoric mania hit, then non-responsive depression hit, my husband threatened Divorce if I didn't get help. GP gives me AD which just makes me mixed. Evicted but squated

22-23 public housing, new GP dx. BPII sent to pdoc, mixed

24 moved into family's house, mixed
25 homeless aka. moved into friends house (final DX. mood disorder NOS, Eating disorder NOS)
26 moved to current home, went off meds, husband got job
27 husband became depressed then manic and put on fmla and into community mental health, found out our son tried to commit suicide, husband lossed job
28- Husband's therapist tried to convince me/him for me to do intake as she got to know us. Paranoid that she'd commit me I went to intake.

Symptoms started at 12 for me. I never suspected I had a mental illness, I thought everyone self harmed but no one talked about it. I thought everyone had anxiety (I didnt even know what it was at the time). Through my teenage years I went through a few ups but long downs. I thought it was just how life was (hence the first suicide attempt at 14, if this was just how life was, I didnt want to live it). No one found out about it so I continued to struggle on.

Just after I turned 17 I attempted suicide again after the end of high school and heavily binge drinking, partying and hooking up with randoms on leavers week. Thats when people started to suspect that I wasnt "right". I had a gap year and worked, had no clue how to really care for myself so spent a lot of time broke and drunk cycling more than I ever had before, lost my drivers license for drink driving and almost lost my job a few times (I was very productive during my hypomanias, I think that was why they didnt give up on me). The parties and raves were unbelievably fun but I spent a lot of time in tears and self harming. It was a very rollarcoaster year, one of the best but one of the worst of my life.

At 18 I went to uni, but the move to the city and moving house, and going back to study triggered a severe depression. I got too anxious to even leave the house. I stopped eating, sleeping, talking, barely moved off my bed. Eventually my friend couldnt handle me and told my parents. Diagnosed with major depression and started the med ride, which lead me to being hospitalized for 3 months and the diagnosis of BP II.

No Official diagnosis yet, is only recently with upping my AD's not working that I've started to piece it all together and make a guess at BP.

I posted my Story here ..... Still waiting for psych eval but Hubby coming to next Dr appointment with me to tell the Dr straight out what he has witnessed during my manic episodes and that I need the referral to psych services

http://forums.psychcentral.com/bipol...ke-advice.html

I had my first depression when I was in the 2nd grade. The next major one was when I was 14 and I tried to commit suicide with sleeping pills and xanax. In between these, I had episodes of hypomania that I of course didn't understand. I would pick up a new hobby or skill and work on it obsessively until I just stopped or mastered it and went onto the next thing. In both cases I never did the activity again. I still do this when manic as an adult. When in college I would work on assignments all night without getting tired for days at a time. I didn't spend money as I do now as I had none. I didn't get depressed again until my second husband left me. I was just starting to pull out of it 3 months later after a 3 week hospitalization and meds when my only child, Serena, died in a car accident. I plummeted into a deep dark depression, stopped eating most of the time losing 20 pounds in 21 days, started cutting and was suicidal. I had to go on disability from teaching and remained depressed for 2 1/2 years with occasional mixed episodes. I still didn't know I had bipolar, I thought and was diagnosed with depression. I thought it went away but hypomanic episodes continued every 3 to 4 months. I thought it was anxiety and was treated for it each time for about 6 years. Then I became depressed again without any reason for 2 years, several suicide attempts and hospitalizations. Finally saw a psychiatrist again and was diagnosed bipolar I. This took place when I was about 46 years old. So, I was bipolar and not diagnosed for about 35 years.

I remember in preschool being anxious and sullen, I had little interest in interacting with other kids. This continued on into middle school where I discovered irritability and anger.

High school was crazy, I think I was manic/mixed the whole 4 years. There was nothing I couldn't do. I played sports, took and excelled in honors/AP classes. I also drank a lot, cut myself, was in an unhealthy relationship for 3 of those years. I didn't know it at the time but I was having panic attacks and melt downs.

After getting into a very good university I crashed. I couldn't take it anymore. Dropped out after the first semester, began carousing and started doing any drug I could get my hands on.

One day I said eff this and joined the military. I was angry and cantankerous, but very successful. After I got a DUI the military FINALLY got me the help I needed, it only took 10 years. After my dx I finished my undergrad and separated from the service. Now I am an engineer working on my graduate degree.

Even though it took me 30 years and still have my struggles, I would say I am a success story.

As a kid I was autistic and couldn't communicate well since I didn't learn to speak until I was 6. I didn't know hand flapping and other motions were abnormal back then. I had severe OCD and ADHD which made school impossible. In high school I noticed I was starting to think differently and became more intelligent. I learn to control my hand flapping and other quirks in public for the most part. I learned how to socialize to an extent and started to understand that my OCD was abnormal so I did my best to control my symptoms. My grades improved and I became an A student, but I got hospitalized several months after the changes. I was manic and tried to off myself at the time. I'm not the same person as I was before the schizoaffective kicked in along with other things. Life is odd.