black

Yes with my coffee friend ken. Hes nice. Taken me to psych er several times and stayed with me.

I'm sorry you're feeling down about yourself. I like you a lot and am glad we're making friends. And I'm certain you'll have a nice time with your friend Ken tomorrow. I'm glad you have people to do things with, its important. It at least gets you out of your head for a while.

Yes i love my time with ken. We sit and talk or read together. Sometimes we go out to eat.

Im glad you like me! M glad youve been here for me.

I've enjoyed talking with you very much! Ken sounds like a cool guy, thats got to be so awesome to have someone to be so comfortable with. Well listen, I'm getting dragged off to bed. I hope tomorrow goes well and you have good dreams tonight!

Thank you! Nite nite

How's today so far?

So far, I'm still anxious. My ex isn't here yet, but he's not due for 1/2 an hour. I'm supposed to meet my friend ken today but he doesn't get out of bed until at least 11 so I'll wait to call him until the kids get picked up. I did get a shower last night and laundry done so at least I'm clean and dressed.

I had a dream about a parrot. It was actually two parrots merged togeter half and half, split down the middle, right down the middle of the face! Once they were merged, they were swirling psychodelic colors. I know there is a type of conjoined twin like this where the two heads are joined as one and there are two bodies joined at the ribs and they are separate after that, but they never live. This robot parrot was alive.

Anyway... lol

I have plans with my friend, finally, but we're meeting at a place I dont' usually go. Not sure of their internet. Not sure of their coffee. They make it way too sweet,, the last timei had it. I'll have to ask them totone it way down.

Coffee almost gone. Sweet but I asked them to tone it way down so its better. Wifi not working as well as I liked but if this posts, its all good, right?So its saturday again. A week after my hallucinations. Boy that week flew by. Its my day off. But its my day without the kids. Always bittersweet. I know not a lot of people will be around this afternoon. Hope you're off having fun! Ken is here, so we're just on line next to each other as usual. Lol I got four shots in my coffee. So far, nothing. Thought I might get bouncy but nothing. Maybe because I'm used to coffee. I wish I had more to write in my blog, but I don't. I try not to write unless its bipolar related. I'm glad some of you here keep up with it. It helps!

Here I am with the whole internet at my fingertips and I'm stuck.

Hey, just checking in! I know what you mean, sometimes I run out of stuff to look up and its pretty slow on pc and fb. Are you and Ken making dinner plans too? Maybe go see a movie? I was restless at Thor but he was still pretty to look at

I don't know what our plans. If we do dinner, its usually a last second, "Want to do dinner?" Type thing. Its way too èarly to ask him now. ITs only only 2 p.m. He won't even think of eating until 5 in the evening.

Thats true lol, too full of coffee.

I could search up Schizo affective again... lol

Right. Me, too. I finished mine already. I'm awake! I actually don't feel that bouncy for having had 4 shots of espresso.

Someone said they thought I was maybe mixed. Why is that?

From Wikipedia (wondering if my Pdoc is right?):

Schizoaffective disorder is distinguished by*mood disorder-free psychosis*in the context of a long-term psychotic and mood disorder.[2]*Psychosis*must meet criterion A for*schizophrenia*which may include*delusions,*hallucinations,*disorganized speech, thinking or behavior*and*negative symptoms.[2]*Both delusions and hallucinations are classic symptoms of psychosis.[8]*Delusions are false beliefs which are strongly held despite evidence to the contrary.[8]*Beliefs should not be considered delusional if they are in keeping with cultural beliefs. Delusional beliefs may or may not reflect mood symptoms (for example, someone experiencing depression may or may not experience delusions of guilt). Hallucinations are disturbances in perception involving any of the five senses, although*auditory hallucinations*(or "hearing voices") are the most common.[8]*A lack of responsiveness or*negative symptoms*include a lack of spontaneous speech, reduced intensity of outward emotional expression,*avolition*(loss of motivation), and*anhedonia*or inability to experience pleasure.[8]*Negative symptoms can be more lasting and more debilitating than positive symptoms of psychosis.

Mood symptoms are of*mania,*hypomania,*mixed state*or*depression, and tend to be episodic rather than continuous. A*mixed episode*represents a combination of symptoms of mania and depression at the same time. Symptoms of mania include elevated or irritable mood, grandiosity (inflated self-esteem), agitation, risk-taking behavior, decreased need for sleep, poor concentration, rapid speech, and racing thoughts.[8]*Symptoms of depression include low mood, apathy, changes in appetite or weight, disturbances in sleep, changes in motor activity, fatigue, guilt or worthlessness, and suicidal thinking.

I dont know as much specifically about schizoaffective disorder but I have a really good friend with it. He's doing well with modern meds. Definitely something to look up.

I mentioned last night that you sounded like when I have a mixed mood, its not as much sad sometimes, though that creeps in occasionally, and I do cry, but I curse too, but its a lot of massive anxiety and just wanting things to stop. I havent had self harm thoughts too often but usually it isnt that I want me to stop, I want to stop the feelings or thoughts, make those go away. I always tell on myself and you've done good too, you've told on yourself to us. But just cause I mention it doesnt mean its so unless it sounds like it kind of fits. A call in to your pdoc might get you a med adjustment without you using your lsst visit, it might be worth a try Monday.

I have to wait out the weekend to call pdoc. Yuck. I just hate this feeling. Being with Ken should be soothing, but even this is like "I've finished the internet" feeling and of course I haven't! If I call psych ER they just want to know if I'm going to kill myself. That's it. I'm just in self-destruct mode.

And as for that definition above about disorganized speach, I say sentences in weird orders sometimes, and stutter at other times.

After reading that list what do you think?

I meant about mixed. Well, I know there is the cat you've seen. Out of curiousity do you see colors? Auras? I have a friend who does that. Do you think the dx fits? I think I would want to sit down with at least a T and discuss all these things in depth.

Psych ER doesnt sound very helpful. Have you ever talked on a crisis line? I have the number but havent ever called them.

I know my pdoc wrote that diagnosis down last time i saw her. It seems to fit as long as I keep having hallucinations outside of a mood episode. I only have one more appointment this year and its with pdoc on the 10th. Never seen auras. Last week it was the photograph that was making faces at me.

Do you see a therapist too? I really depend on mine. Maybe a T could help make sense of stuff a little more. Its one thing to read books about it, I practically lived in barnes and nobles when I got my dx but having her has been helpful.