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#1
Dec 21, 2013, 04:24 AM
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...often I arrive here and sometimes I am a real jerk...
I write things so self indulgent and narcissistic... I generalise about people... I am manic and grandiose... I am always manic likely hypermanic when I am here... add alcohol and I drift terribly into a self absorbed dreamland... dangerous and unstoppable typically my best attempt at living guilt free... because I wiggle worm my way through reality pretty much with no idea... but this is no excuse and definitely no reason for me to transfer my insecurities and exchange them for pretending I am better than my peers here. I challenge myself to decide if this bad behaviour can be accredited to my mental illness... or simply to bad character.... I believe it sits precariously at first almost half way... above my fiery emotional chasm which I perhaps balance above life and death... but I believe suddenly that death shares more understanding with my damaged perception... than life does with my ghostly dreamworld what I am trying to say is that... it is my bad character responsible... for I am sorry for my writing sometimes it is unhelpful and unfriendly... I already know despite a dear friend pointing it out to me... DM |
 99 FAIRIES, Anonymous100104, Anonymous45023, gayleggg
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#2
Dec 21, 2013, 06:31 AM
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..I am now afraid to write my thoughts...
I fail to differentiate between healthful mind and dangerous mind... I certainly know that my form of mania is an emotional violence... something that when I settle down I realise is too overwhelming I wish deep down that I could occupy this crazy state and wobble around fearless with my tiny hands trying to grip this outstanding occurrence..  and sneaky ever so sneaky my hands crawl out of this illness manifestation!... on my way to fall free-fall into a million accidents and still survive ....I blame me I blame everyone trying to blame me... I suffocate in the emotional chasm... and emerge on the other side ...carefully identifying the difficulties that collect all my hugs... and beneath pain I arrived incredible I don't hurt no more.... my humanity has collapsed... My illness has been too damaged... my love is real My insecurities have perished... I survive... the bits of me that I need    
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| Anonymous100104, BlueInanna, gayleggg
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#3
Dec 21, 2013, 01:46 PM
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James. Wish I could think of something useful to say, but am currently struggling putting things to words. So sssss it must be.
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| dubblemonkey
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 dubblemonkey
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#4
Dec 22, 2013, 04:32 PM
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Please dont be afraid to write, you share thoughts and feelings with the rest of us here that we identify with. It is a part of you, it is part of what makes you the wonderful person you are. We appreciate your ability to say what we feel and are unable to articulate ourselves. Your form of writing is unique and special.
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| dubblemonkey
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#5
Dec 23, 2013, 03:27 AM
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I've been holding back lately what I write - like when I mostly in manic rage. I reach out somewhat... But times like that wtf can anyone do or say... "Rage is not a symptom of bp". I call b.s. must be nice to be them (see even thats not very nice of me). This rage i get doesnt pass quickly, its manic related. So I hold back, like when I feel like no ones gonna relate anyway or I'm just gonna be mean like I'm being to everyone I care about in rl. I think it's ok to express whatever here, it should be. If people can't stomach it they can block it, report it, not read it. Can't put trigger icon on everything.
Bp can be cool & magical sometimes. But seriously not usually, for me. We don't need to pretend its all snowflakes & candycanes. Cuz it's not & isn't that mainly why we've sought out a support group. I care what you have to say. |
| Anonymous45023, dubblemonkey
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#6
Dec 23, 2013, 04:54 AM
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...I am terrified and so ashamed
thankyou....
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| BlueInanna
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#7
Dec 23, 2013, 09:31 AM
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Me too, I feel I probably said too much in many other threads. Details of the most personal most embarrassing of my actions.
 But not going to delete. Just let it sit. Can't change what I've done/not done/don't want to pretend I never did it/don't want to beat myself up either. So it really just is what is really just is..I'm able to give real hugs now. Good type of mania at the moment.
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| dubblemonkey
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#8
Dec 23, 2013, 10:41 AM
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DM, don't ever be afraid of sharing your feelings. They are what they are, good or bad. Sometimes I'm so depressed it is hard for me to try and be positive for other people. It's just part of the illness.
I will say I'm sorry you use alcohol to dull your feelings. I've been there. It only helps for a little while, then you are left with the aftermath.
__________________
Bipolar I, Depression, GAD Meds: Zoloft, Zyprexa, Ritalin "Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." -Buddha  |
| dubblemonkey
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#9
Dec 23, 2013, 03:31 PM
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I fail to differentiate between healthful mind and dangerous mind. I think all of us do. Please keep talking I think all of us identify with one another and when someone says that the symptom isn't BP related that is just because it doesn't for them.
__________________
Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog |
| dubblemonkey
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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