[jadedbutterfly]

Just was with parts of my family I do not see often, they live far away. Nice to see them. BUT someone started talking about things I did like 20+ years ago.... horrific things I did during episodes... I was sobbing, terrified, I really do not remember these things. My sister-in-law ( whom I get along with very well) said, "Someday we will sit down and we will talk about all those things", then a bit later on she shifted "Maybe there are just some things that you do not need to ever know"..... I don't know what is the worst part... hearing things that I don't remember, the thought of sitting down with her and hearing MORE, or the idea that I may never know just how bad I had gotten during my "episodes". These events all took place before I got my diagnosis and started psych meds.
So, I guess I am asking anyone's advice, opinions on whether it is better to know. I mean this was a long time ago and there isn't anything I can change about it... but what if there are some things that I could try to make amends for? So would you want to know? or just "try" to let the blanks in memory stay blank?

[usehername]

I wouldn't want to know, but that's just me. I've been through some crap that I blocked out on purpose, and dealt some crap I'm not sure I could live with if I remembered it, given the nature of the things I *can* remember. Scary thought. But, that's just me.

[Squaw]

Originally Posted by jadedbutterfly

Just was with parts of my family I do not see often, they live far away. Nice to see them. BUT someone started talking about things I did like 20+ years ago.... horrific things I did during episodes... I was sobbing, terrified, I really do not remember these things. My sister-in-law ( whom I get along with very well) said, "Someday we will sit down and we will talk about all those things", then a bit later on she shifted "Maybe there are just some things that you do not need to ever know"..... I don't know what is the worst part... hearing things that I don't remember, the thought of sitting down with her and hearing MORE, or the idea that I may never know just how bad I had gotten during my "episodes". These events all took place before I got my diagnosis and started psych meds.
So, I guess I am asking anyone's advice, opinions on whether it is better to know. I mean this was a long time ago and there isn't anything I can change about it... but what if there are some things that I could try to make amends for? So would you want to know? or just "try" to let the blanks in memory stay blank?

As far as your "episodes" I'm not aware of what you are referring to..sorry. I can only tell you that I cannot remember most of my childhood..I have no explanation why I can't, but I've had my doc tell me that I shouldn't EVER let anyone try to make me remember..He explained that our brains block some things that were obviously traumatic to us, and it's like a safety mechanism..He says that it's possible for triggers to cause me to remember, maybe not, but he was firm about telling me to "leave it alone". I hope this was somewhat helpful to you, but I can say that at times it does bother me that I have forgotten what might have been the best years of my life..my childhood. Be blessed..♥ Squaw

[Crazy Hitch]

I find it really hard to let go of some things that I have done during episodes that I DO remember. Personally, I can't see the point in sitting down and hearing what you did before diagnosis and especially if you don't remember it. Let sleeping dogs lie.

[Lillyleaf]

I don't want to know, but I want to let go.

If that means knowing then I should know, but sometimes it is completely okay to have no clue.

~Lilly

[jadedbutterfly]

Thank you all for your input.... I really appreciate it. I got little sleep, and have decided that for now, I really do not want to know. I am not stable enough... maybe never will be.
It just hit really hard last night..... I wasn't expecting it... wasn't prepared (though I don't know I possible could be for this).
Again... thank you

[Moose72]

My family was talking about my last week and it really set me into a tailspin. It waas about my bipolar and other things. Ican't imagine if they brought up specific episodes.

[jadedbutterfly]

Had yet another family get together today.. last one. Brother n fam go back home.
I told my sister-in-law that I do NOT want to be told all the things I did in my manic modes
Her response, was sweet and simple "ignorance is bliss"...

[Mercedes87]

No I wouldn't. You don't need to try and recall anything in the past, because that is just what it is, the past. Don't need to focus on those things.

[BipolaRNurse]

Why does your family want to bring up stuff that happened >20 years ago?? Sounds to me like THEY need to get over it.

I do know what you mean about memory gaps.....I don't really want to be told about what I did during my manic episodes. I do forget a lot after one of those, and it's a mercy. If I ask, then I want to know, but if I don't, it's because some part of me knows it on some level and I can't deal with it.

[jadedbutterfly]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

Why does your family want to bring up stuff that happened >20 years ago?? Sounds to me like THEY need to get over it.

You could be right, maybe "they need to get over it"... but when I think of it that way, it makes me wonder if they've been waiting for me to, I dunno.... apologize for somethings?
But at least for now they aren't going to tell me..... phew

[Auntie2014]

Originally Posted by jadedbutterfly

So, I guess I am asking anyone's advice, opinions on whether it is better to know. I mean this was a long time ago and there isn't anything I can change about it... but what if there are some things that I could try to make amends for? So would you want to know? or just "try" to let the blanks in memory stay blank?

My perspective is from someone that has always known what happened. I went through almost 50 years of my life carrying that knowledge alone. I envied the people that (to me ) were lucky because they could not remember. In some ways I still do. I also feel that there are also some people that use "just remembering" as an explanation or excuse for gaining enough strength to admit something happened even though they have always known about it. I also have thought about how devastating it must be for someone to remember something that the blocked out and how difficult that would be. My hope for them is that they would find a way to verify and or confirm facts before taking actions or as you say "make amends".

[jadedbutterfly]

Originally Posted by Auntie2014

My perspective is from someone that has always known what happened. I went through almost 50 years of my life carrying that knowledge alone. I envied the people that (to me ) were lucky because they could not remember. In some ways I still do. I also feel that there are also some people that use "just remembering" as an explanation or excuse for gaining enough strength to admit something happened even though they have always known about it. I also have thought about how devastating it must be for someone to remember something that the blocked out and how difficult that would be. My hope for them is that they would find a way to verify and or confirm facts before taking actions or as you say "make amends".

I do understand what you mean about "envied the people that (to me) were lucky because they could not remember." There are far many things that I wish I could not remember. Mostly childhood memories.Think it would be very difficult to verify/confirm the facts... the things they DID tell me ... to my knowledge, I do not know who the other witnesses were. So I thank you for pointing that .... lifted some weight off my shoulders

[thickntired]

Hi Jadedbutterfly,

I have ptsd from a horrible tragedy during my childhood. My brother was very sick for 4 years and passed away from lukemia when I was 7. Then when I was 8 I was molested. I can remember many events around the time of my brother, but I have totally blocked out any memory of him. I couldn't tell you what he looked like etc. IMO I couldn't deal with this tragedy so as a defense my brain blocked all memories. The molestation I can remember like it was yesterday.

I believe a lot of my mental issues stem from my childhood trauma, especially bc in the 1970's therapy for kids was not common so I was not helped. I spent many years self-medicating with drug and alcohol to supress my childhood. When my Mom bring up the past I can't handle it and become so upset and depressed. From what I understand it can open the flood gates so to speak if I dredge up my past. What I have to learn, and I'm not sure how it will work, is to grieve and get past the survivors guilt of a person I can't remember in therapy. I think from experience carrying around undealt with trauma can manifest in lots of other areas like addiction, guilt, and illnesses. I think it's important to get these things out with a therapist, but I don't think that means I have to relive and remember the past in detail. I would never go under hypnotherapy which one T I had recomended. I don't want to risk opening the flood gates. I fear it will be more than I could ever handle or come back from.

Love n Light,

tnt

As most of us do, I go through times following a bad episode where I look back and feel completely disconnected from that person who was so ill that I required hospitalization, 24/7 supervision, etc. It doesn't even feel like that person was me.

My T and I were talking about that a few months ago because when I'm feeling well and stable I start getting that idea that I'm perfectly fine, I don't need medication, I'm not even really bipolar, etc. My T proposed that they should videotape me when I am at my worst: when I'm depressed and suicidal, when I'm hallucinating, when I'm pacing, when I'm out of control. And when I start getting tempted to quit my meds (which are very effective in keeping pretty darned stable most of the time), I should have to sit and watch that tape as a reminder.

We laughed about the idea, but he to some degree meant it. Not that he would ever do that, but that he wishes he had the ability to help me remember the reality of those bad times so I could avoid the whole denial problem.

[jadedbutterfly]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

As most of us do, I go through times following a bad episode where I look back and feel completely disconnected from that person who was so ill that I required hospitalization, 24/7 supervision, etc. It doesn't even feel like that person was me.

My T and I were talking about that a few months ago because when I'm feeling well and stable I start getting that idea that I'm perfectly fine, I don't need medication, I'm not even really bipolar, etc. My T proposed that they should videotape me when I am at my worst: when I'm depressed and suicidal, when I'm hallucinating, when I'm pacing, when I'm out of control. And when I start getting tempted to quit my meds (which are very effective in keeping pretty darned stable most of the time), I should have to sit and watch that tape as a reminder.

We laughed about the idea, but he to some degree meant it. Not that he would ever do that, but that he wishes he had the ability to help me remember the reality of those bad times so I could avoid the whole denial problem.

Yikes... video of manic episode, couldn't do it! But I understand the idea, because I tend to mess with dosages/not take meds when things seem fine to me too. then everything goes bonkers! between withdrawals and bp symptoms increasing at the same time.

[jadedbutterfly]

Originally Posted by thickntired

Hi Jadedbutterfly,

I have ptsd from a horrible tragedy during my childhood. My brother was very sick for 4 years and passed away from lukemia when I was 7. Then when I was 8 I was molested. I can remember many events around the time of my brother, but I have totally blocked out any memory of him. I couldn't tell you what he looked like etc. IMO I couldn't deal with this tragedy so as a defense my brain blocked all memories. The molestation I can remember like it was yesterday.

I believe a lot of my mental issues stem from my childhood trauma, especially bc in the 1970's therapy for kids was not common so I was not helped. I spent many years self-medicating with drug and alcohol to supress my childhood. When my Mom bring up the past I can't handle it and become so upset and depressed. From what I understand it can open the flood gates so to speak if I dredge up my past. What I have to learn, and I'm not sure how it will work, is to grieve and get past the survivors guilt of a person I can't remember in therapy. I think from experience carrying around undealt with trauma can manifest in lots of other areas like addiction, guilt, and illnesses. I think it's important to get these things out with a therapist, but I don't think that means I have to relive and remember the past in detail. I would never go under hypnotherapy which one T I had recomended. I don't want to risk opening the flood gates. I fear it will be more than I could ever handle or come back from.

Love n Light,

tnt

Long ago I had asked a T about hypnotherapy, she said "no". never have asked about it again.
You are right on, with me at least, that what we have blocked out does come out in different ways...like addictions and illnesses.

[Taptaptaptile]

I do forget a lot during my manias and I don't think I want to remember it

Sometimes my family remind me of the funny stuff and we laugh about it (like my recent one where I spent hundreds of pounds on bins!)

Mostly I think it is a good thing to forget.

[darleenjshannon]

I have had black-outs during manic episodes. Recently, I blacked-out and woke up hours later in the hospital emergency room. Part of me doesn't want to know what I may have done but another part of me desperately wants to fill in those blanks.