I think i'm going crazy

I was diagnosed as bipolar 20 years ago and have spent the last 20 years in denial. I've been in and out of therapy and off and on medicine.

Tomorrow I start with a new therapist because frankly I feel like I am loosing it! I am depressed but acting irrational and my friend says I'm being paranoid. So am I up? or down? or both? or is this not even bipolar???? I don't know and I don't care what you call it. I just know that I am miserable. I can't sleep, I'm not eating and I'm barely functioning in my daily life. I rarely drink but I've had a lot tonight. I haven't done drugs in decades yet I'm begging a friend to give me some.

I can't even write in this forum what is going on because I am petrified that my ex therapist will be on here reading. I can logically say that the odds of this are very low but I am just terrified that someone is going to figure out that I am a loon. OR what if my husband has a key logger on my computer??? or what if we get divorced some day and this account gets tied back to me?????

I really feel like I am going crazy and I honestly don't know what to do. One friend told me to start exercising because it would help with my intense emotions and a 2nd person told me to go buy some herbs.

I have a long history with my EX therapist (we are now friends) and we text all the time. I texted her about how I bad I was doing and she didn't even respond. Does that mean she is tired of me??????

I've been reading about borderline and Ive started wondering if that defines me too. I"m a mess!

AND here's the topper.... what if I do actually hit the submit button on this post. I doubt many, if any,, will respond. Why would you. You don't know me and never will. AND even if you did know who I was, would you care? Probably not.

What I would really like to do is be Forrest Gump... Just start running and never stop. I'm not going to ... that's just what I want to do.

I'm sorry you are feeling so miserable, it sounds like what most of us would call a mixed episode and those can be the worst. I've been through them so I know how hard they are. My best suggestion is to see if you can get a referral to a new psychiatrist from your new therapist when you see her, mood stabilizing meds would probably help. In the meantime try to find a way to be calm, some folks have suggested long hot showers or listening to music. I think you will find many of us to be supportive here, I hope tomorrow goes well with your therapist.

I know exactly how you feel. Everyone here may be sick of me already! I've been up & down & sideways running around this community like a bath salt zombie! Ranting & raving all over the place. I even thought about challenging the other manics to a race cause I think I'd win!
I never really realized how quick my swings were or how many I had a day til I started charting them. I knew it was bad but DAMN!! Well, you got at least one friend here if you can tolerate me. Lol best of luck! See ya around here somewhere.

Rough night. Tossed and turned and slept very little. I'm mad at everyone. I think my husband is tired of all of this and is just ignoring what is currently going on. The 2 "friends" I have (I have that in quotes because in reality they are just texting buddies... we never see each other) are obviously sick of me.

My paranoia (if that is really what is happening) is a little better today but I am still afraid of writing in here.

I so need a "calming" activity but I have no clue what that could be. The ones I've had in the past are not healthy. I've managed to stop those behaviors but I didn't replace them with anything else. Right now I need a friend to talk to and I just don't have that in my life which makes me feel extremely lonely and worthless.

You have come to the right place to find support. I'm Bipolar, too. I agree it may be a mixed episode and you need a psychiatist to evaluate you for possible medication. You will find this to be a great place to share and there is also chat rooms and private messaging. Hope you feel better soon.

When I get crazy my husband ignores me, too.