[wing]

A rant:

I'm tired of using up all the emotional energy I have fighting BP and its myriad symptoms and struggles. I have been stable on meds, but I still deal with mild mood swings and paranoia. It is frustrating to have been living with this disease for so many years and STILL have it dominate my life.

The hardest thing is not being able to trust myself to make friends. I know I have an "oddball" personality and in the past I've run the few friends I've made off by blowing up when hypomanic or ignoring them when depressed. So I walk on eggshells around people, repeating DBT principles like a mantra.

I can understand why BP people have high sui rates...it's all so wearing on a person's soul. Loneliness, fear, regret, shame...all daily battles.

The only good thing about this disease is that there are those few and far between "good" days when all seems "normal". But that is a cruel joke. I should be rewarded for my successes in managing my nightmare with more of them to make it easier to go on fighting. But, no such luck.

Obviously I have rapid cycling BP 1. I have a lot of support, but at the end of the day my internal struggles come rushing back to keep me awake at night.

Thanks for reading. I know there are many here who understand.

[Beepee]

I have had some of the same thoughts. It is so unfair to have this diagnosis. Please keep trying but also take care of yourself so you can have the energy to keep fighting.

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[BipolaRNurse]

Rapid-cycling BP 1 here too. I have felt EVERY emotion you're feeling and I ache for you. I'm in good shape now, but I spend more time in mood episodes than out and it just wears me down. I'm sending you positive energies so that maybe you can get a break from it.....it's nice to be able to feel normal once in a while.

[kaliope]

I so understand your frustration; however I have been fortunate enough to find the right mix of meds that it is totally controlling my cycles and I haven't had an episode in over a year. it has been such a nice break. take care

[x_BabyG_x]

Let yourself have regular breaks from fighting it. That's what I have allowed myself to do, I find it good for the soul. I've recently let myself run loose for a while whilst on a hypo spell, and now ive crashed I shut off all social contact and getting things done for a few days and indulged in bed, weepiness and nothingness. I know I'll be better to fight again for it by jut "being" for a short while.

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[swheaton]

I know how you feel. I have to practice self control to the point that I feel like crying. The paranoia that hits sucks. I feel like I'm carrying dead weight.

[Capriciousness]

Yes. Yes. Yes to everything you said. At least we're not alone. At least we understand each other.

[danziger]

I turned 43 today. I think I first started seeing symptoms of what would eventually be called bipolar disorder was around 33 years ago. I was "diagnosed" about 15 years ago. I did meds for a lot of years. It has been a constant struggle. Embrace the good times, and brace for the bad times. Because they will surely come. You have to realize when times are good to appreciate that, and try to prevent and prepare for tough times. And it's probably mostly one or the other, and rarely anything in between for very long. I know how frustrating that is. But the sweetness of good times makes the suffering worthwhile.

[wing]

Thanks so much for all your support, everyone.

[wing]

Originally Posted by Beepee

I have had some of the same thoughts. It is so unfair to have this diagnosis. Please keep trying but also take care of yourself so you can have the energy to keep fighting.

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Beepee... The regimented lifestyle, especially taking meds daily and getting "enough" sleep is what wears me down emotionally. How I'd love an all-nighter! And I wish I had a penny for every dang pill I've taken. But all this structure has kept me out of the hospital, so is therefore worth it....

[wing]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

Rapid-cycling BP 1 here too. I have felt EVERY emotion you're feeling and I ache for you. I'm in good shape now, but I spend more time in mood episodes than out and it just wears me down. I'm sending you positive energies so that maybe you can get a break from it.....it's nice to be able to feel normal once in a while.

Your blog has been a source of laughter and solace for me BipolaRNurse. I'm an RN and gave up my license (I'm 57) calling it retiring early. The truth is the stress of it sent me into my first mania in 10 years. I'm sure I can't handle it anymore.

[wing]

Originally Posted by kaliope

I so understand your frustration; however I have been fortunate enough to find the right mix of meds that it is totally controlling my cycles and I haven't had an episode in over a year. it has been such a nice break. take care

Congrats kaliope. Those weeks free from episodes are what I live for!

[wing]

Originally Posted by x_BabyG_x

Let yourself have regular breaks from fighting it. That's what I have allowed myself to do, I find it good for the soul. I've recently let myself run loose for a while whilst on a hypo spell, and now ive crashed I shut off all social contact and getting things done for a few days and indulged in bed, weepiness and nothingness. I know I'll be better to fight again for it by jut "being" for a short while.

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You know, I love this idea...thanks.

[wing]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

Yes. Yes. Yes to everything you said. At least we're not alone. At least we understand each other.

Yep, sharing here is better therapy for me than the last few therapists I've been to...

[wing]

Originally Posted by danziger

I turned 43 today. I think I first started seeing symptoms of what would eventually be called bipolar disorder was around 33 years ago. I was "diagnosed" about 15 years ago. I did meds for a lot of years. It has been a constant struggle. Embrace the good times, and brace for the bad times. Because they will surely come. You have to realize when times are good to appreciate that, and try to prevent and prepare for tough times. And it's probably mostly one or the other, and rarely anything in between for very long. I know how frustrating that is. But the sweetness of good times makes the suffering worthwhile.

Yep, most of the time those mild highs make up for the times I isolate.

[Capriciousness]

Yes sharing here is much more effective in many ways than therapy can be. In fact my last tdoc app was all about me feeling alone with Bipolar. And she is like trying to help me right and like make it all "mean" something". And I want to be like (and kinda was like) "Dude, bipolar just sucks and you can't understand unless you have it so stop acting like there is anything else going on here." I wish I had a bipolar therapist. Now that might actually be helpful.

Seriously, I feel just the same way you do. I am even pretty stable right now. Just the amount of lifestyle up keep, the struggling with pdocs and tdocs to find and receive services that actually help, the fighting and the protecting I do every single day to maintain this balance. And then those minor blips even though minor and not like the writhing in agony experiences we have all had still just hit me because I am so burned by bipolar at this point. So over its ****. That I just stare at it all like seriously? Seriously?!! This is going to be FOREVER!!!!!

Yeah I get it.

And I too would LOVE to go out, stay up late, drink a tad too much etc. I'd even like to talk on the phone till 1 or 2 am with a girlfriend which always used to be fun. I'd like to NOT have to leave the wedding or whatever grown up event we are at because I have to calm down and go to bed. And you know I would really like to have one or two glasses of wine without it being such a big ****ing deal.

So I could get all. Oh but I have so much to be thankful for and here are such worse problems to have etc and I love my life. And all those things are true but here now in this thread I want to just be allowed to vent about the suckiness of it all.

Hugs to you Wing. Hugs to everybody here.

[wing]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

Yes sharing here is much more effective in many ways than therapy can be. In fact my last tdoc app was all about me feeling alone with Bipolar. And she is like trying to help me right and like make it all "mean" something". And I want to be like (and kinda was like) "Dude, bipolar just sucks and you can't understand unless you have it so stop acting like there is anything else going on here." I wish I had a bipolar therapist. Now that might actually be helpful.

Seriously, I feel just the same way you do. I am even pretty stable right now. Just the amount of lifestyle up keep, the struggling with pdocs and tdocs to find and receive services that actually help, the fighting and the protecting I do every single day to maintain this balance. And then those minor blips even though minor and not like the writhing in agony experiences we have all had still just hit me because I am so burned by bipolar at this point. So over its ****. That I just stare at it all like seriously? Seriously?!! This is going to be FOREVER!!!!!

Yeah I get it.

And I too would LOVE to go out, stay up late, drink a tad too much etc. I'd even like to talk on the phone till 1 or 2 am with a girlfriend which always used to be fun. I'd like to NOT have to leave the wedding or whatever grown up event we are at because I have to calm down and go to bed. And you know I would really like to have one or two glasses of wine without it being such a big ****ing deal.

So I could get all. Oh but I have so much to be thankful for and here are such worse problems to have etc and I love my life. And all those things are true but here now in this thread I want to just be allowed to vent about the suckiness of it all.

Hugs to you Wing. Hugs to everybody here.

I quit therapy 15 years ago because I felt I had hashed out all my childhood issues. There was not one therapist out of 6 that could really understand my PRESENT issues. When I finally got up enough nerve to discuss hypersexuality with my shrink his answer was to write me a scrip for birth control! Talk abt out of touch...

I would go back to a therapist in a heartbeat if she were BP as well. I totally agree that no matter how sympathetic or empathetic someone tries to be, they just don't "get it" unless they live with it.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by wing

Your blog has been a source of laughter and solace for me BipolaRNurse. I'm an RN and gave up my license (I'm 57) calling it retiring early. The truth is the stress of it sent me into my first mania in 10 years. I'm sure I can't handle it anymore.

Glad you're enjoying it. Thank you!

[Beepee]

I am really tired of feeling bad, also. I haven't felt good since November. Keep waiting for a sign of feeling better. Makes life totally unenjoyable, uninspired . Hugs to you all.

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[wing]

Originally Posted by Beepee

I am really tired of feeling bad, also. I haven't felt good since November. Keep waiting for a sign of feeling better. Makes life totally unenjoyable, uninspired . Hugs to you all.

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Beepee, I think all the stress of the holidays definitely upsets my equilibrium. When I feel like you do, it is compounded by the thought "Another day wasted". Then I feel guilty that I'm letting my life pass by. The light at the end of the tunnel is knowing it will pass. Hope you're up a bit soon.

[emgreen]

Yep...You're a piece of work, Kat. Fortunately you're a loveable loony.

[SickOfSadness]

I hope you feel better

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