[JoyDivision7680]

I have just had a fight with my mother on the phone. I told her my mood's changed into an agitated one on Saturday and it's been like that ever since. She asked "are you agitated, angry?" and I answered that I'm both, she then replied something that sounded like she didn't believe me, and I naturally got angry and yelled. She got angry as well and we had a little fight. After the fight, I thought of cutting a little wound in my arm just to have her really worried in case she or my psychologist noticed it. But I didn't.
It's like there's another me inside who wants to really scare my mother. And sometimes I agree with the other me; a good scare might make her worried and less unpatient, even when I'm yelling. A controlled suicide attempt would do the trick, the other me "says". But the real me doesn't want to be a jerk and do such things just to impress her. But she's asking for it, yet she doesn't deserve such treatment. She ought to learn to deal with my rare anger outbursts. If she doesn't feel like resisting, she should learn how to remain calm and say nothing about this subject until she's ready.
Telling this to my therapist would solve something? I wish I told my psychiatrist this, but our next appointment will take place outdoors and my mother will be there too; I can't talk to the psychiatrist properly if someone else's there, neither can I send my mother away for a while, because we won't be meeting in the hospital.
Damn it, like it wasn't enough my conscience (or 'super-ego', according to mr. Freud) has decided to talk to me daily, now I'm having another me in my head.

[faerie_moon_x]

Okay, so you do need a therapist.

Those little naggy suicide thoughts, the "I'll show her" type of thoughts, those are residuals. They are the frayed little edges that are hard to get rid of. They are trigger thoughts. I get them, too. It's annoying. You have to be really careful with those thoughts and be aware of them. Come up with "fight back" thoughts to keep them away and small. Remember, suicidal actions on purpose to hurt someone is considered emotional abuse, that in itself helps me to remember that. Having "reasons to live" or "reasons not to do it," either in list form or however is important. If you have suicidal ideation it's a fight you have to fight for the rest of your life, sorry to say. I feel I've overcome it for the most part, but I slip up, too. I still fight every day. That may seem strange to people who don't understand, but it's true.

Remember suicidal thoughts are a symptom. When things are better the thoughts will be fewer, and when they flare things are bad. It's like a fever. A fever isn't an illness but it can still kill you.

Next, it sounds like you could use some CBT. "She ought to learn to deal with my rare anger outbursts." Actually, that's not true. Learning anger management is your responsability, not hers. I have anger and rage issues, too. If I blow up at my husband, it's still my fault for blowing up. I need to learn to express my anger in a more productive and civilized manner. This is also really hard to do on your own, so a therapist can help you. Being self-aware and mindful is key.

These are really good questions and yes, you need a therapist. Don't do this alone if you don't have to.

This is not an easy road. I know it's not, because I'm on it, too. You can do it.

And, you know, I understand. Mom doesn't get it. Most people don't. But doing things to scare them always backfires or makes it worse.

[JoyDivision7680]

Thank you, faerie, you've been really helpful! One question:

"Actually, that's not true. Learning anger management is your responsability, not hers."

I agree, my anger outbursts are my problem, what I meant was that she must know I'm not yelling because it makes me feel good, thus she mustn't yell back at me. Even with CBT it would take time, so what's it gonna be? Are we going to yell at each other until neighbours call the police or something? Yet it might be entirely my fault, and I'm wrong in this post.

[faerie_moon_x]

The thing is, perhaps your mom also has problems with her anger as well. Or maybe she has underlying issues that you don't know about or she has never addressed.

The thing is, she shouldn't yell at you and you shouldn't yell at her. But it should not be her thought process to say "I shouldn't yell back because of how he will respond." It's your job to work on your response. It's her job to learn healthy reasons not to yell at you and healthy ways to express her anger. It's a two way street.

But, it's also not your job to make her respond differently. It is your job to work on your response. You really are not a victim of yourself unless you allow it. Being aware that blowing up at your mom isn't healthy for either of you is a great first step.

Last, I have to say we always have to be prepared that people won't take the steps to work on themselves. They will play victim or the blame game. In this event, it's especially key to work on our responses and be mindful of escalating situations.

My advice is talk to your mom when you are both calm and express that you think working on healthier ways to resolve conflict will help both of you. See what she says. It's a long road but it is possible.

[JoyDivision7680]

You are right, I will try to work things out. Thanks again!