[WrongEverything]

So its official. Failling out of college. Go me. I don't care anymore. I don't even want to die. I just flat out don't care about anything. I could stay in my house smoking weed all day and be content. Not happy. Numb maybe. But content.

Mom noticed my depression she wants me to go in to the doctor. I agreed only because she's right. Yeah i'm f**kin depressed. Want a cookie??

So now i've got to start looking for a job because i can't dropout and not have a job right?? Nevermind the fact i can't wear sleeves from years of self-harm. Should be easy to find a job.

[GardenGirl729]

I'm really sorry to hear about school! For what it's worth, I didn't do that well in school either, never cared about it much.

I tend to agree with your mom, I think you should take a trip to the PDoc just to check everything out and maybe adjust meds.

There is always long sleeve options at places I have worked. Or if there wasn't they've allowed an undershirt. I've also known former self-mutilators who have worn compression stocking over their arms at work. The particular woman I am thinking of told our boss she had a previous burn and surgery, requiring their use.

Don't give up! I hope things get better. Good Luck.

[WrongEverything]

Thanks GardenGirl... I know i'm overestimating this getting a job thing. Sleeves. Right.

We're going to the doctor soon making an appointment today. Just have to get some bloodwork done before i go back in. Otherwise he'll be disappointed.

[spydermonkey]

hi wrong everything im sorry you're going through the depression and apathy. i think the apathy is the dangerous part because by not caring, we can really mess up a lot. ive lost so many jobs and just quit going to school many times and relapsed on substances a bunch because i didnt care at the time. and when i start caring again, ive got an even bigger hole to dig out from. its exhausting! but hopefully you can get thru this knowing theres going to be a change in your mood maybe not tomorrow but later, i mean that's the bipolarity we all struggle with.

ps i like your little see-saw smiley in your signature. it represents the experience of bipolar really well to me lol

[WrongEverything]

Thank you. I agree definitely spydermonkey, i'm sure messing up a lot by not caring. There will be a hole to dig out of.

Gotta get meds changed can't go off them >.< don't go off. Bad idea.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm sorry you're experiencing the apathy! I used to love it when I was in high school because at least I didn't hate myself and want to die, but it does keep you stuck. That's how I ended up off meds two weeks ago...just didn't care about being well anymore, especially since the med wasn't working. I can't say it was a bad idea yet but I'm sure I'll regret it soon...but I still don't care!

As an aside, wearing long sleeves at work doesn't really matter, at least not at any of my jobs. My arms are pretty terribly scarred so I always wear long sleeves. I just say I'm always cold, which is true anyway. It sucks to have to walk from the building to my car when it's hot out but whatever. So don't worry about that.

And honestly I know it sucks to fail at something but you can always go back to school. I dropped out of my first semester at college after only six weeks because I was unable to do even one assignment due to paralyzingly anxiety/depression. I took two years off at went back when I was well. So don't think it's hopeless. Hell my mom is going to college for the first time at age 54.

[pegasus]

Hello WrongEverything, I know you feel real low about dropping out of college but you know you could go back to it when you are in a better place and have got your health more stable than it is right now. It's good you are going to the doctors, a step forward. Hugs

[Atypical_Disaster]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I can relate to the years of self harm too.

[Curiosity77]

Try not to be hard on yourself for dropping out of school. It's pretty hard to study when you are depressed. I dropped out of university in my first semester when I was 19 because I was very depressed, abusing drugs, and not functioning. I went back a few years later, and eventually went on to get a masters degree. My moods have cycled through that time, but I found a way to get my education and make it work. My point is, just because you are dropping out now doesn't mean you can never go back. Be kind to yourself, rest, and get well. Then you can re-evaluate your goals and decide what you really want to do. There are lots of options, and school is only one possibility, you may decide you want to do something else totally. I hope you feel better.

[WrongEverything]

Thanks all for the replies. I'm feeling a little better about having to drop out of school.

And its good to know sleeves are more accepted in the workplace.

@curiosity I wish i could let myself rest. I already feel so lazy for dropping out of college and sleeping so much, how can i let myself rest?? Sleep is bad. But it can be good. I need to find that happy medium.

[Curiosity77]

There are ways to rest beyond just sleeping. Actually oversleeping makes me feel more tired. What i find restful is spending time with friends, getting some gentle exercise, eating well, simple things like that for self care. When i'm depressed, like lately, i don't want to do any of it, but when i'm doing well i can maintain it. So easier said than done sometimes, but i know self care is important. And getting enough sleep is also key to that. So when i said rest i didn't just mean sleep, i meant rest your mind and judgments and expectations of yourself.

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[WrongEverything]

Gotcha. Self Care. I'm the worst at that lucky to get a meal a day. Shower? no way. Doing laundry? nah. I try to spend time with my family but i don't have any friends. I hate people.

But i got it i need to take care of myself. Easier said than done you're right.

[Curiosity77]

I hope i didn't sound preachy or like i was trivializing what you are going through by suggesting self care. I know that simple things can be really hard during depression.

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