Using therapist to avoid hospital

Hi. I have spent the last 9 months with a young therapist. For almost every single session I've broken down crying. It got so bad that I was just embarrassed. I would go through a box of tissues and not even be able to talk coherently. Fast forward and I go to the ER with suicidal ideation a couple weeks ago. My pdoc, therapist, and the psych ward I'm in are all a part of the same hospital. Anyway, my pdoc was all what are you doing here?? Granted I see him every 3 months. My question is, I got an older therapist thank God, would it be a good idea or high maintenance to ask her can she read red flags, does she mention anything but suicide/homicide to my pdoc, does she have experience recognizing mania & depression. I just felt like the whole inpatient debacle could have been avoided. I was put on an excellent med for ptsd and feel much better. And prior to the ER I had said things in therapy like: I feel responsible for my brothers death, I don't deserve to be happy, this is my cross to bear, my parents lost the good child and I'm the bad child. So imo there were some serious indicaters.

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Those are all things I think a good therapist should be doing, its what my ther does for me. I think she saved my life by suggesting the hospital back in '10. She can tell by looking at me if I am depressed or overmedicated and usually within the first 10 minutes if I am hypo/manic. My pdoc office is next door to my ther office so she will make sure I make an appt or occasionally get worked into my pdocs schedule if she thinks I need to see her earlier than a scheduled visit. So far I've only been in the hospital once since my diagnosis in 06.

I'm glad you have access to a good therapist, emomom. It's great that you've stayed out of the hospital for so long.

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This is why I first went to therapy. It was looking like my husbands therapist was going to hospitalize me so went to therapy. She's seen me suicidal, she's seen me homicidal, she's seen me non-responsive we've even talked about why I haven't been to the crisis center. She has very little notes on me except my hand written notes. She's always said she'd get me out as fast as she could if I was hospitalized. I asked her why she hasn't hospitalized me with all she knows about me. She just told me that I always teeter on the edge and some how I always come back. Sometimes she's amazed at how I can bounce back.

My therapists view is that a person knows best when they have to be admitted. I have never been hospitalized.

That's awesome Miguel'smom. You're lucky to have a therapist that sounds like she may know you better that you know yourself. And congrats on no hospitalization. They suck lol

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i just wish we all never need therapists, meds and hospitals.....

TnT, how old were you when your brother died? Who was older?

Indeed more than enough red flags...

Hi hamsterB. I was about 3 when he was diagnosed with leukemia. He died 4 yrs later at age 11, so I was about 7. My earliest memories are of death and neglect ( obviously my parents were occupied). Then the next year we moved to Germany where a babysitter molested me on one occasion. I completely blacked out all memory of my brother, but I can remember trying to hide my feelings. I cried in private like in my closet. I was trying to take the weight of the family dysfunction. My Aunt said I was 3 going on 30. On the xmas after he died my Mom bought a tree and I wouldn't let her put on any decorations so we had a stupid blank tree. Today I struggle with survivors guilt and horrible ptsd. We all had spinal taps ( I had 2) and I wasn't a bone marrow match. I also feel like they lost the "good" child. **** all my life was spent in addiction.

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My greatgrandmother died on my mother's 8th birthday. My grandma, for several years, didn't celebrate my mother's birthday. They are all dead now and I cannot ask my grandma why she didn't move the celebration onto another day?? But it was her wrongdoing. In your case, you stopped your mother from hanging the Christmas ornaments, which shows that you internalized, absorbed, and amplified the guilt very early on...

My mother blamed me for shortening her life, saying that had she not been nervous because of something I did (which was something she herself suggested), she would have reported her breast lump right away and not waited a year.

My ex 2nd H blamed me for the death of his mother (at close to 90...) because he claimed that I had ruined his relationship with his ex boss, an influential woman who, in his mind, would have been the only person able to find a good doctor when his mom fell ill.

I got so used to being blamed this way that when Maddy, a young kitty, dropped dead last August, I felt responsible. My bf and two old time guy friends who care about me were all saying that I think like a prehistoric woman. T said that matters of life and death are outside of our control. The vet explained that Maddy must have died from a painless sudden heart attack, as there are no other reasons for a healthy young kitty to drop dead without warning. So it took 5 people to make me relieve myself of guilt.

I am not trying to trivialize your pain, which is clearly far, far bigger than mine, but just showing how easy it is to assume guilt even in situations which are lightweight in comparison with yours. Guilt is such a sticky sticky thing...

PS just an idea, following my last T session in which we wrote down the bad things ex H and his mom said or did, went outside, and, literally, burned the piece of paper with the list. I felt relieved and exhilarated. So, what if you buy a special set of first rate German Christmas ornaments - just a few would suffice - as a replacement for those ornaments that you didn't have in that year?

I am planning to learn to make Christmas ornaments from Italian glass beads, but am not there yet...otherwise would offer a gift of a special ornament made to order, in colors that are meaningful for you. I hope by autumn I will have learned the necessary skills.

Thank you so much for your post. And I don't in anyway find a comparison in our life experiences. Meaning my trauma shouldn't be any more or less than what you've been through. I understand how we both have taken on far more than our fair share of guilt when faced with situations out of our control. I was so devastated when my dog died and still feel guilty as you did with your kitten. It's really hard when we get in that zone and pick up ownership of tragedies that we didn't in any way cause. I'm working with my T now to first get the anxiety and stress under control, but I told her I've never grieved or sought help for ptsd when I'm sober. She is breaking things down into smaller problems. That helps my ADD and me falling into the abyss.

Love & Light ♥

Tnt

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