Trying So Hard...

I feel like I'm trying so hard to keep it together. There have been a lot of stressors for me lately, between work issues, money problems, and car troubles. Last week I felt stable, and now I feel like I'm all mixed up.

I am doing what needs to be done around the house, and I'm going through the motions, but I really want to just lay down and cry. Not that I could sit still long enough to do that, but whatever. I just don't know what to do.

I told my wife I've been thinking about sui, but she says it's normal to think about it when things go downhill and get as hard as they have been. Is she right? I don't know, I'm not normal.

I'm doing what I can to distract myself, but I can only distract myself for so long, then I get distracted from my distraction. I saw my T today, but only could do a half hour session, cause I couldn't take sitting in her office for any longer than that.

I honestly feel like I might be losing my mind. Although, speaking of losing one's mind, I haven't had any hallucinations, that I know of, in a couple weeks, so I suppose that's something. I don't even know what I'm looking for here, but I feel like I'm desperately searching for something, anything.

I am doing what needs to be done around the house, and I'm going through the motions

Outlaw, if you can do this, you can do anything.

You are not losing your mind at all.
We've all been there

To me, it sort of feels like a big dark cloud is wrapping arms around me

But you get through this. You are almost already there

I'm sorry it's so tough right now. Financial trouble can really stress you out, don't I know! And when you're in an episode it's even harder.

I suppose it depends in your definition of Sui thought. I mean are you actively planning? Because that's not ok. But if you just kinda wish you were dead, that happens to me nearly every day, regardless of mood. So I consider that to be "normal". If I were dead I would t have to deal with the stress, that's all. Doesn't mean I actually want to plan my death.

I hope you find relief soon. Being agitated really sucks. Worst mood state IMO.

I think we've all had thoughts, but as wildflowerchild25 said, if you are planning it, that's bad. Get some help. I know I often think things would be easier on everyone if just didn't wake up one morning, but that's a long way from actually acting on those thoughts.

Many of us have been there. I'm a rapid cycler myself. I often have a hard time even understanding what I'm feeling before I move on another mood.

Hang in there, and get some help. No matter what you think at the time, your family is not better off without you.

I feel for you. Reach out for help. Give yourself permission to do that. I hung in there for three years and it led to a major crash. Don't go there. You deserve better and your family should support you. Mine didn't bit I am better for it. I wish you the best. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter but my ex husband washed his hands of
me after a 16 year marriage. I hope this is not your situation. But you are who you are. We didn't choose this. I'm happier and healthier. I wish you well. xoxox