[Secretum]

I feel really crappy now. I have no energy, everything is an effort, the pain is almost physical.

It is my own fault. I ran out of meds on Thursday. I went to the pharmacy to get more, but they didn't have them in the correct strength. They said they'd try to get them from another pharmacy, but they never called me back. I didn't contact them because I was curious to see what I was like off the meds. So, I have been off my meds since Thursday. I was managing relatively well, with some cycling, until today. Now the cycling is too much. I don't know if it's the withdrawal or the untreated illness. Either way, it is entirely my fault for being an idiot.

I'll get more medication tomorrow. I'm thinking about calling my t and asking for an appt this week (I don't have one scheduled until the 25th) if I don't feel better by Tuesday.

I just need some support right now. At least I'm not physically ill from the withdrawal, though I might be tomorrow if I don't get some sleep tonight... Thanks for listening; I really appreciate it!

[LaborIntensive]

Hang in there! Sometimes it is good to test the limits. Be strong!

[r010159]

Originally Posted by LaborIntensive

Hang in there! Sometimes it is good to test the limits. Be strong!

Hang in there! I also think it is good to test the limits from time to time.

[Victoria'smom]

Breathe, remind yourself you'll feel better tomorrow. Try to do something distracting. Talk on here all day.

[Secretum]

Thanks everyone. I feel much better now; I couldn't sleep last night, so I spent 3 hr straight on the internet, distracting myself. Then I went to bed, and got up at 12:30 even though I'm supposed to work at 10:00. I texted my boss, apologizing for being so late to work; he texted back saying that he wouldn't be in today at all, because he was sick, and I should just take the day off.

So I don't have to work, I've went to the pharmacy and gotten and taken my meds, feeling better already. Maybe I just needed to let go for awhile? I've really been focusing on self-improvement lately, on becoming a perfect, responsible proactive person, and I think I was a little overwhelmed by that. Being off my meds just exacerbated it...

So glad to be feeling better; thanks again for all your support!

[~Christina]

Glad you are feeling better !

[Secretum]

Feeling kind of low again.

[Atypical_Disaster]

I'm sorry you're still feeling low. It might take time for the medication to get back in your system properly? I'm not sure. I hope you start feeling better soon, I know how much depression can suck.

[Victoria'smom]

I hope you feel better soon.

[Secretum]

Thanks. Yeah, I might need to give the meds a few days to kick in...I'm going to try to distract myself until then; I find that I feel better when I'm busy.

[Secretum]

It's been a hard day. Maybe I should live a moment at a time, because I keep thinking of my future and my career and if I ever get married or date anyone, and it's overwhelming me. I just feel like I'll fail at everything, like life is one long nightmare where I have to watch everyone else get what I want (friends, success) while it is continuously denied to me just because of who I am.

I see so much pain and ugliness in the world, and I don't feel like I want to be a part of it anymore. I feel sui, but I won't do anything because today is my brother's birthday, and I can't die on his birthday.

Thanks for listening. I had been doing really well at avoiding the sui thoughts, at focusing my energy instead on creating a life worth living. It's just so difficult.

[Secretum]

Today has been better so far. Last night, I was extremely angry, at God, the universe, my parents, my friends, everyone. I journaled about the anger, and went to bed. I had a dream in which I expressed my anger to everyone around me (something I rarely ever do), and I woke up feeling much better. Unfortunately, I woke up much too late; around noon when I'm supposed to work at 10. But I just got into work, and my boss isn't here yet either, so I think I'm okay.

I hope the fact that I'm feeling better means that the meds are working again, and I am done with the depressed/angry mood. Now I just need to get control of my actions, and I'll be all set!

[Secretum]

I just went for a walk and thought about things, and now I'm angry again. So angry! I hate my life. I hate that I'm so weak and inertial, and that I can't get anything done. I hate that I've never been in a relationship, that no one's ever picked me. I hate all the failure I've dealt with in my life.

I want success. And not just moderate success in one or two areas of my life. I want massive, shocking success, to the point where everyone looks at me and wonders how I do it, in every area of my life. I want to be so successful that everyone who ever denied me their friendship or love regrets their choice and shakes with fear and regret. I want to be so successful that I never have to wonder if I have worthiness ever again; obviously I'll have value, because look at all I've done!

Ugggh.

[swheaton]

Have you been able to talk with your T yet? I'm so sad you're having such a hard time.

[Secretum]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Swheaton. It really means a lot. My therapist called to set up an appt. for Friday, so I have something on the calendar now. But her calling me made things worse, because she was very short with me on the phone. She didn't even ask me how I was doing, or what was going on...I freaked out, thinking there must have been something in my old pdoc's notes (which she has recently received) that repulsed her and turned her against me.

I really thought she'd be more caring, if only because it is her job. She's out of network; I pay $175/session to see her, and I have an entry level job that doesn't pay particularly well...

I guess overall I'm angry and disappointed with humanity. I feel like I keep lowering my standards for people (friends, family, therapists) and I think that this time they will meet them, but they never do. So I drop my standards for how I should be treated lower and lower, and get disappointed more and more.

*Trigger Warning*

I feel like I should just kill myself before I get anymore disheartened and begin to hate myself and humanity more. I've suffered so much, been sui so many times but never acted on it. I'm such a coward.

[Curiosity77]

Originally Posted by Secretum

Thank you so much for your kind words, Swheaton. It really means a lot. My therapist called to set up an appt. for Friday, so I have something on the calendar now. But her calling me made things worse, because she was very short with me on the phone. She didn't even ask me how I was doing, or what was going on...I freaked out, thinking there must have been something in my old pdoc's notes (which she has recently received) that repulsed her and turned her against me.

I really thought she'd be more caring, if only because it is her job. She's out of network; I pay $175/session to see her, and I have an entry level job that doesn't pay particularly well...

I guess overall I'm angry and disappointed with humanity. I feel like I keep lowering my standards for people (friends, family, therapists) and I think that this time they will meet them, but they never do. So I drop my standards for how I should be treated lower and lower, and get disappointed more and more.

*Trigger Warning*

I feel like I should just kill myself before I get anymore disheartened and begin to hate myself and humanity more. I've suffered so much, been sui so many times but never acted on it. I'm such a coward.

Not killing yourself when you feel sui doesn't make you a coward, it actually makes you really brave because you have been able to tolerate and survive extreme distress. The way you feel right now is temporary, and sui is permanent. Please reach out for help if you feel like you can't keep yourself safe. hugs

[Trippin2.0]

You're not a coward, as stated above its sheer bravery that you haven't acted on it and that you've survived such times of distress.

I'm really sorry things feel so bad right now, but as is the case with this cyclical beast, this too shall pass Secretum.

Try to stay present in the now, stay grounded in the moment. Worrying or obsessing over tomorrow will bring nothing but being overwhelmed. So please remember to take it 1 baby step at a time, 1 breath at a time.

You are worth it my friend

None of us wants to be mentally ill. I HATE having to be on meds. But I want a life. Please keep in mind that to suddenly stop your meds can be more than just testing limits - it can be dangerous, even deadly. I hope things stabilize for you really soon.