[Curiosity77]

I have 4 days off right now, and I'm going to try to go without Saphris to see how I feel. I don't mind if I get hypomanic, but I don't want to get depressed. If things start to get bad I will restart it right away. I need to be OK on Tuesday when I go back to work, but I have a few days to experiment with my brain chemistry. I want to be on as small amount of meds as possible. I don't mind my lamotrigine and wellbutrin, but I don't really want to be on an AP anymore. I haven't been hypomanic in over 2 years, but I've been depressed off and on during that time. I've probably been depressed about half the time in the last 2 years. Right now my mood is stable. It feels like I will never be hypomanic again, and I miss that feeling. I'm hoping that reducing meds will give me some of that high back.

I skipped my dose last night, and I still managed to sleep OK, only woke up briefly a couple of times. I'll see if I sleep tonight, because when I've tried to stop it before I've had pretty bad insomnia. Tonight will be night number 2. I'll see how it goes.

I have to write a paper and study this weekend, but I have no other plans really. Hopefully this will work out well.

Good luck staying off the saphris, Curiosity. Whenever I've tried to stop my bedtime dose of it, my sleep is interrupted moreso than it was even with the saphris.

[wildflowerchild25]

Missing hypomania is what led me to ditch meds the last time. It worked so-so for me - I had a great hypomania but a fairly severe depression. I get pretty bad irritability and anger during depression and sometimes during hypomania, but this hypo was awesome. However I know that it doesn't usually go that way for me.

I'm still undecided on my mood stabilizer. I really don't want any meds but I can't seem to control my temper without it. But I dumped my AP awhile ago and I don't plan on taking it unless absolutely necessary. Even through my bout of paranoia this week and last I didn't take it and I'm better now. So good luck! I hope it works out for you.

[Curiosity77]

It's day 2 of no saphris, and it's 3 am and I'm pretty wide awake. I've been listening to music and writing journal entries and research papers all night. I want to go out and do something, but there's no where to go right now. I don't think I will sleep tonight.

[Curiosity77]

It's the start of day 3. I was wide awake until 4 am last night, and then it took me 2 hours lying in bed to get to sleep. I woke up at 10 this morning, and I'm feeling pretty tired. My mood seems to be staying stable, and I think the insomnia is the Saphris withdrawal. I was just going to try this for a few days and go back on, but now I'm thinking that if I can stay OK I will stay off the Saphris and just stick to lamictal and wellbutrin, and maybe try to stop those eventually too. I believe I am bipolar, but I don't believe that I need to be on so much medication forever. I have had some severe episodes, but in between I do OK, and I am high functioning - I work full time as an NP, and unless things get really bad I always go to work. The last time I was off was almost 2 years ago, and I've been on one AP or another for almost 2.5 years. I think it's time to give it a break. I was on no meds for 8 years prior to starting with all of this a little over 3 years ago, and during that time I only had some low grade depression and 2 episodes of hypomania, which only one was severe. My pdoc definitely won't agree with my stopping the saphris, but it's my body and I want to decide what I'll put in it. I am required to take meds as a condition of keeping my nursing license, but I don't think my pdoc would turn me in as long as I stay stable. Anyways, the experiment continues, and so far so good.

[Curiosity77]

Tonight i was feeling anxious and like my brain was buzzing before, but more mellow now. I still haven't slept much since Thursday, and it's Sunday now. Saphris will be out of my system by the end of Tuesday, but i'm not sure if i will be able to stick with this until then because of the insomnia and also feeling mildly nauseous from withdrawal. I should probably just take it and actually sleep, or i could go out and do something. I thought i was getting hypo before, but i think it was just anxiety. Sorry for the detailed play by play, i'm sure it's not very interesting to read, but it helps me to write it here and keep track of how i'm doing. This is the first time since 2011 that i've had any days off antipsychotics, so i'm anxious about what could happen, but so far i'm still ok

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[r010159]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

I have 4 days off right now, and I'm going to try to go without Saphris to see how I feel. I don't mind if I get hypomanic, but I don't want to get depressed. If things start to get bad I will restart it right away. I need to be OK on Tuesday when I go back to work, but I have a few days to experiment with my brain chemistry. I want to be on as small amount of meds as possible. I don't mind my lamotrigine and wellbutrin, but I don't really want to be on an AP anymore. I haven't been hypomanic in over 2 years, but I've been depressed off and on during that time. I've probably been depressed about half the time in the last 2 years. Right now my mood is stable. It feels like I will never be hypomanic again, and I miss that feeling. I'm hoping that reducing meds will give me some of that high back.

I skipped my dose last night, and I still managed to sleep OK, only woke up briefly a couple of times. I'll see if I sleep tonight, because when I've tried to stop it before I've had pretty bad insomnia. Tonight will be night number 2. I'll see how it goes.

I have to write a paper and study this weekend, but I have no other plans really. Hopefully this will work out well.

What is the reason for this? Do you have bad side-effects due to this med? Even after dropping this med you still will be on those other meds.

Let me play devils advocate with you if you do not mind.

Maybe the reason you have not been hypomanic is due to the AP? IMHO a few days is not enough time to experiment. And the AP may also be enhancing the effect of your antidepressant. For that matter, you may not find out if your hypomania is going to return until months later. There was a reason you were placed on it, and this was not because you felt good and were functional during your episodes.

Personally I would not experiment like this without my pdocs guidance. I have responsibilities. I have to be functional about 100% of the time. So I know I would not risk it w/o the pdoc being in on it. My mother is entirely dependent on my mental health. But you may not have these responsibilities in your life. Then you are lucky. I envy you.

I understand that this decision is yours to make, that it is a personal thing. Who knows? This may be the right thing for you. I hope this is the case for you. But I would not tell the pdoc what you are attempting to do. As you know, non-compliance can be big issue with them.

I do think you are a helpful and fine person here at PC. And hypomania cam make a person feel euphoric. But mine are usually mixed. Hope all will be well for you!

[Curiosity77]

Thanks for that. I do have responsibilities, and i know this is risky, but i just don't like the idea of an antipsychotic long term. Plus, this will probably sound extra crazy, but i miss being able to do psychadelics like mushrooms, and saphris blocks them so they don't work. I have a therapist who can do LSD assisted therapy as part of a research study, and i'd like to be able to try that. O wouldn't do stuff like thus frequently, but once in a while i like it because i feel it gives me insights that i can't normally get. It takes 5 half lives to wash out of the system, and the half life is 24 hours, so i want to see if i can tolerate 5 or 6 days off, because if so i could plan for it. I definitely can't tell my pdoc that. I've told her i want off antipsychotics and she says it's a bad idea. I'd love to be off permanently, because i don't get psychotic, but i can accept if i need it because i do get depressions and i've also had mixed states. I'm not averse to risk in life though, and i don't like feeling like my emotional range is constrained.

Unfortunately i've barely slept since stopping it, and it's 2 am and i'm not at all tired. So if i don't start sleeping this experiment could end badly. The end of tomorrow will be day 5, so i might restart tomorrow, or i might give it a few more days. I haven't quite decided yet.

I appreciate your input though, and i know you are probably right. I just kind of don't care about what might happen right now.

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[ginaaa22]

have you tried trazadone or something else to help you sleep?

[r010159]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

Thanks for that. I do have responsibilities, and i know this is risky, but i just don't like the idea of an antipsychotic long term. Plus, this will probably sound extra crazy, but i miss being able to do psychadelics like mushrooms, and saphris blocks them so they don't work. I have a therapist who can do LSD assisted therapy as part of a research study, and i'd like to be able to try that. O wouldn't do stuff like thus frequently, but once in a while i like it because i feel it gives me insights that i can't normally get. It takes 5 half lives to wash out of the system, and the half life is 24 hours, so i want to see if i can tolerate 5 or 6 days off, because if so i could plan for it. I definitely can't tell my pdoc that. I've told her i want off antipsychotics and she says it's a bad idea. I'd love to be off permanently, because i don't get psychotic, but i can accept if i need it because i do get depressions and i've also had mixed states. I'm not averse to risk in life though, and i don't like feeling like my emotional range is constrained.

Unfortunately i've barely slept since stopping it, and it's 2 am and i'm not at all tired. So if i don't start sleeping this experiment could end badly. The end of tomorrow will be day 5, so i might restart tomorrow, or i might give it a few more days. I haven't quite decided yet.

I appreciate your input though, and i know you are probably right. I just kind of don't care about what might happen right now.

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I am here to support your decision, whatever that may be. You are one honest person!

[Capriciousness]

Did you taper or just stop this cold?

I can understand not wanting to be on APs long term. It seems though that for that to really work out in the end you have to do it with a doc and you have to go slow. Why not talk to the pdoc more. Tell her you want off enough to do it without her blessing or guidance. If she won't budge find a new pdoc who is open to helping you with this.

Is this AP uncomfortable for you or you just don't like the idea of it and miss being hypo and want to do the illegal drugs?

[Curiosity77]

I stopped it cold. Just felt like taking it wasn't good for me anymore. I don't like the AP because I feel flattened out and constrained, and I miss having more excitement and emotional range. It makes my affect flat, and people notice and comment on it, which is very embarrassing. I know that I need to have some acceptance around this, but I don't know how to get there. I don't want my life to be responsible all the time.

Plus I do want to be able to do psychadelics, for a bunch of reasons which are complicated, but I feel like I need to do it to prove something to myself because of some past experiences - very vague, I know, but the full explanation is pretty weird so I don't think it would make sense to anyone other than me. I will say that I have a very good reason, and it's more than just wanting to get high.

I am ashamed to write all of this, because I know I should know better, but I just want to find some meaning to make it worth continuing to try.

[venusss]

I am ashamed to write all of this, because I know I should know better, but I just want to find some meaning to make it worth continuing to try.

what is "better" though? Taking a drug that emotionally flattens you and is bad for your brain and body?

I understand not wanting to be robotic. We are meant to be somewhat risk-taking and having emotional range...

Could you use a regular sleep aid to help with sleep rather than AP?