[Curiosity77]

Lately I've had really poor judgement. I can tell I'm making bad decisions, but I don't care and I do it anyway. So I've been taking unnecessary risks. I don't know what is driving it. Maybe I'm just bored and lonely, and looking for adventure. Maybe I just want to feel something intense. I don't know why I feel the need to do dangerous things. It's like I make a decision to do something, and there is no turning back, even though I know it is dangerous. I haven't been sleeping much, but I don't think I'm hypo or depressed. Just really deeply flawed. I can't seem to accept anything without fighting against it. I don't know if this is really a bipolar thing, I think it's probably more a weakness of character. I've never really cared about keeping myself safe, well maybe not never, but there have been a lot of times in my life that I don't care about it. I'm very nihilistic. I'm not suicidal, I just really don't care about anything right now. . I was up until 5 am last night, then slept until noon, which was good because I needed to sleep since I've only been getting about 3 hours a night for the past few days. I made plans with a guy I met online in the middle of the night last night to meet up today. I don't think doing that would be good for me. But he's texting, and I just haven't responded. I haven't decided how to respond. I don't know if I can be the person he is expecting. Anyways, I don't even know why I am writing this, because nothing really matters. Life just goes on and on, and most of the time it's pretty meaningless.

[TheatreKid]

Poor judgement and impulsive plans are part of mania. Those symptoms are ones I get in mania, but you don't sound manic. I know you just went off Saphris, right? Could you be mixed?

The manic episode right before my diagnosis, I found several casual hookups, made plans with one of them, but the episode turned mixed before the plans happened so I panicked and texted them to cancel, and they got very angry and sent me threatening texts for a while. I was also quite reckless, wandering the city at all hours of the night, walking 30 minutes to a 24 hour grocery store at 4 AM for 1 apple, drinking alone at bars and trying to get the bartender to take me home. I was definitely drug seeking at this point too.

Even if it's not an episode, it could be Saphris withdrawal. When I went off of it I couldn't sleep for about a week, had to add ativan for a short time, and I really felt like things were meaningless. It cleared.

[Capriciousness]

Don't respond to that guy. Sorry to be so blunt about it but I feel strongly that you should not.

I know you don't think you are up or down and that maybe this isn't bipolar even but a character thing but it sure sounds to me like bipolar. When I am in a mess of states like that I often question what it really is if anything and I often think things happen all the time or I have always been like x or y but after the state (sometimes way after) I realize it was bipolar all the way.

So yeah I don't think you are okay right now. I think you need to get yourself safe. This sounds like a mixedish apathetic numb kind of depressed state. These are dangerous for me. Don't text that guy back. Don't go see him. I don't even think you should go anywhere right now.

Come back and tell us what is going on with you.

[Curiosity77]

Yeah, I think I need to restart the Saphris tonight. I really wanted to be fine without it, but I'm already crashing after just 4 days, so I don't think I should continue with this experiment. I took a 25 mg seroquel at 5 am, so I managed to sleep, but without that I don't think I would have slept at all. I guess this is kind of mixed, but not too intense, it's on the mild side, but I need to put the brakes on so it doesn't get worse. I still haven't convinced myself if this is the start of a true episode, or if it's caused by Saphris withdrawal, but I guess it doesn't really matter what the cause is. Really sucks though. Thanks for responses.

[Capriciousness]

Hello again

I just wanted to point out that in your taking a break from saphris thread you said that if things started to go bad you would take the med again right away.

I think this may be it. I think things are going bad.

I hope this doesn't upset you. This is what I would want someone to say to me. You are worth keeping safe. Let us know what's up.

[Curiosity77]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

Hello again

I just wanted to point out that in your taking a break from saphris thread you said that if things started to go bad you would take the med again right away.

I think this may be it. I think things are going bad.

I hope this doesn't upset you. This is what I would want someone to say to me. You are worth keeping safe. Let us know what's up.

Yeah, I think you are right. I'll restart it tonight thanks

[wildflowerchild25]

I second the idea of NOT going to see that guy...I don't think it's a good idea at all. I know when I don't sleep I crash pretty hard into an irritable depression after just a few days (3) that may it may not lift when I finally get proper sleep. I think the no sleep issue needs to be addressed. If you have Seroquel you can take that, though that defeats your idea that you don't want to be on an AP. I know your pdoc doesn't approve so you can't get a script for a benzo to calm you down. The only other thing is Benadryl and I'm not sure it will help you. But you could try.

I understand the apathy All too well. It's what drove me to go off meds back on feb 28. I felt flat and numb and dead so I was like why even bother taking this if it's not going to help anyway? **** that. Who cares if I live or die? But people would care, somehow. Beats me as to why. So I'm sure people would care if you got into trouble to.

I don't know if it's a bipolar thing. I know I can trace my unwillingness to care for myself back to events of my childhood and how I was taught in a dysfunctional family (you don't matter even the slightest bit, you are only here to care for everyone else). Maybe something like that, although I wouldn't say a weakness of character.

I hope you arrive at a decision you can live with regarding saphris. And DOT SEE THAT GUY.

[Standup2me]

I third the idea of not going to see the guy.

[r010159]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

Lately I've had really poor judgement. I can tell I'm making bad decisions, but I don't care and I do it anyway. So I've been taking unnecessary risks. I don't know what is driving it. Maybe I'm just bored and lonely, and looking for adventure. Maybe I just want to feel something intense. I don't know why I feel the need to do dangerous things. It's like I make a decision to do something, and there is no turning back, even though I know it is dangerous. I haven't been sleeping much, but I don't think I'm hypo or depressed. Just really deeply flawed. I can't seem to accept anything without fighting against it. I don't know if this is really a bipolar thing, I think it's probably more a weakness of character. I've never really cared about keeping myself safe, well maybe not never, but there have been a lot of times in my life that I don't care about it. I'm very nihilistic. I'm not suicidal, I just really don't care about anything right now. . I was up until 5 am last night, then slept until noon, which was good because I needed to sleep since I've only been getting about 3 hours a night for the past few days. I made plans with a guy I met online in the middle of the night last night to meet up today. I don't think doing that would be good for me. But he's texting, and I just haven't responded. I haven't decided how to respond. I don't know if I can be the person he is expecting. Anyways, I don't even know why I am writing this, because nothing really matters. Life just goes on and on, and most of the time it's pretty meaningless.

Sounds like Bipolarish to me. I agree with others that maybe you should forget about that guy. He probably is hoping you are a "eager beaver", if you know what I mean.

As far as the character flaw goes, I think NOT!

[BipolaRNurse]

It sounds like my most recent Mixed episode. And the fact that you went off one of your meds makes it even more likely that it has something to do with your bipolar. It most certainly is NOT a character flaw, though. Everyone is flawed, but not everyone has mood episodes like the one you've described. I'm glad you're restarting the Saphris.

And I also think you shouldn't see that guy. I've got a bad feeling about that. What the hell is he doing, trolling for female companionship online in the middle of the night? (For that matter, YOU don't need to be online in the middle of the night---you and I are both nurses who know that it's a bad thing for people like us who need a sleep schedule to help us remain stable.) This creeps me out.....like the other posters said, you may wish to reconsider meeting him.

[Curiosity77]

I'm not going to meet up with him, I already texted him and told him I'm not interested anymore. It was pretty much just supposed to be a hook up anyway, I wasn't planning to date him. It would have been self destructive of me to do that, so I'm glad I didn't follow through with it. I almost went to meet up with him around 3 last night, but luckily I decided to tell him to wait for the day time because I wanted to meet him somewhere neutral, and everything is closed at 3 am. I tend to get promiscuous when my mood is unstable, which I'm not proud of, but it is what it is. It seemed like a good idea at the time, like something exciting, but I was a lot less into it after getting some sleep. I considered going anyway today because I felt like I had to follow through on what I told him, but I realized that I could change my mind and I'm not obligated to do anything. My therapist wants me to work on boundaries and not doing anything unless I really want to, because I can easily compromise myself.

Hopefully I'll sleep normally tonight with being back on the Saphris.

Kind of hating my life right now, and I'm really dreading having to go into work tomorrow. I hate that I can crash so quickly and so hard after just a few days off a med and without sleep. I used to be able to handle so much more than I can now, but I'm so sensitive to everything now.

Thank you everyone for the support, it means a lot.

[venusss]

Couldn't it be sign of wanting to break a boredom/emptiness/too much of unchangability.... rather than straight up "bipolar" thing?

You complained about flatness and no meaning.

I don't think everything can be written of to "bipolar" and with the sole solution "take a meds for that". Imho, often our mind acts in strange ways when we are not satisfied. And you can take all meds in the world and try all the convicing yourself "this is the way things should be"... if you are lacking something, you are not gonna be happy. Unless there is some fullfillment, these impulses will come back to haunt you.

[Capriciousness]

Curiosity, I just wanted to say how much I admire your honesty and your openness to help and support.

I tried to say this in your other thread but I don't know how clear I was. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be off your antipsychotic. I would for sure. And I totally think it is possible for you to have that. I just think you need to take it slow with a plan with your pdoc and maybe some other short term med to help.

I don't think you should assume that just because hopping off of the Saphris cold for a couple of days didn't work out that it is impossible to get off this med. You can do it if you want to. Just not like this.

I personally have never had a good time coming off a med even when I went slow but the slower the better and it worked out in the end.

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

Couldn't it be sign of wanting to break a boredom/emptiness/too much of unchangability.... rather than straight up "bipolar" thing?

You complained about flatness and no meaning.

I don't think everything can be written of to "bipolar" and with the sole solution "take a meds for that". Imho, often our mind acts in strange ways when we are not satisfied. And you can take all meds in the world and try all the convicing yourself "this is the way things should be"... if you are lacking something, you are not gonna be happy. Unless there is some fullfillment, these impulses will come back to haunt you.

I completely agree with this statement. As I found myself coming out of my last episode, I realized that unless I chase after MY OWN DREAMS and somehow find a way to do what I love I was going to remain unfulfilled and unhappy. So I'm really trying to not be afraid and go for it.

I hope that this funk your in breaks quickly. The advice to SLEEP any way you can is good. My sleep is so crucial to my moods. You are not flawed, that's the bad juju in your head talking, but you can get sort of addicted to negative thinking? I know that there is a part of me that identifies with my misery and with my alienation. It clings on despite that I don't want to agree with it!

Try to find something that makes you smile. And then do it more.

[Curiosity77]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

I completely agree with this statement. As I found myself coming out of my last episode, I realized that unless I chase after MY OWN DREAMS and somehow find a way to do what I love I was going to remain unfulfilled and unhappy. So I'm really trying to not be afraid and go for it.

I hope that this funk your in breaks quickly. The advice to SLEEP any way you can is good. My sleep is so crucial to my moods. You are not flawed, that's the bad juju in your head talking, but you can get sort of addicted to negative thinking? I know that there is a part of me that identifies with my misery and with my alienation. It clings on despite that I don't want to agree with it!

Try to find something that makes you smile. And then do it more.

I agree with this too. I think part of my problem is bipolar/biochemical, but a big part of it is existential. I'm unhappy with a bunch of things in my life, and I have no control or ability to do anything to change it. So I'm frustrated and it makes me depressed.

A lot of it has to do with my work keeping me on a monitoring program for 40 months, which includes medication compliance, pdoc appointments, random drug screens/enforced sobriety, and which doesn't allow me to leave my city without written permission and for a maximum of 2 weeks, among other restrictions. I don't think I be happy until this is over, and I still have 13 months. I'd love to be traveling more, and to have choices over my treatment, etc. I've complained about this a lot on PC, so I'll try not to be too repetitive, because the details don't matter, but the loss of autonomy is destroying me. That's part of the reason I stopped the Saphris... I don't want to take it because I am being forced, and I want to be able to make decisions about what I put into my body. I think I will feel a lot better in general once this is over, so I just have to do my best to remain compliant so that they will eventually release me.

So sorry for complaining so much! I feels very self-indulgent and whiney, which are qualities I hate, but it's just how I feel right now. I'm very grateful for a lot of things in my life, and for the support from the people here at PC. I can definitely relate to wanting to hold on to alienation etc - it's hard to really imagine how else there is to relate to the world. I guess I just need more acceptance and gratitude.