[swheaton]

I have been fine for three weeks and today I just want to die. I want death so badly right now. I can't kill myself, I love my little family. I am just so tired of trying to fit in. I never will. People do not like me, I'm not smart enough, I'm weird. I want these feelings to go away!

[TheatreKid]

Someone wise told me that I may always be on the outside, but the solution is to develop myself inside. Some of us aren't meant to be in the middle of everything. Some of us make our own middle. Some of us just hang on the edges but live a full spiritual (not necessarily religious) life.

But hey, I'm just some crazy dude posting on an internet forum.

[swheaton]

I just want to be done and I can't. How screwed up is that?

[TheatreKid]

It's pretty hard to face. I know especially when I'm in that state, all of the words in the world won't help. But just in case they might, there is another way out, there is always another way out. You don't have to be done. I'm glad there's something keeping you from being able to be done. Because eventually, whatever this is will pass over and you'll be relieved that you made it far enough to see it.

That's what I always tell myself when I want to be done. Something good is coming and I want to be relieved that I made it.

[swheaton]

Thank you. I just wish I could understand. It sucks having a few weeks of good. Three weeks of being me. It needs to come back.

[TheatreKid]

It will. Bipolar is cyclical. The only thing that is always constant is that it will change.

[littlemiss44]

I'm so sorry yr struggling. I do understand. I had a three month depressive episode, then have come out of it for four days now I'm riddled with overwhelming anxiety. Being bp is very difficult but there is always a way...a way to be present. To breathe deeply into yr gut...in slowly and out slowly. Try it 5 or 6 times. Then think of yr family and yr loved ones. Then repeat the breathing technique. You are important and yr life is worth fighting for. It will pass. Yr.not weird. Yr you. Look at all yr good qualities. We all have them...just in diff ways. Take it easy on yr self. Be kind to yr self. You are worth it.

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

[BipolaRNurse]

Like most of us on here, I've been to the edge of that abyss, and it's a very, very lonely place to be. Just know that the feeling WILL pass---the one consistent thing about this illness is that it's cyclical---and you'll get your "you" back.

[grandmaof3]

I was off my meds about 6 years ago I thought I wanted to die so I swallowed pills. I left a note and everything. I woke up in the hospital on a ventilator 2days later. They got me back on my meds and I was really glad that my husband came home when he did and found me before it was too late. Whenever I feel like I just want the world to end I try to think back to that feeling of relief. My pdoc tells me to think before I act and to try not to be impulsive and do something I can't take back. Those terrible lonely feelings do go away and normal does come back. You aren't weird.

[r010159]

Originally Posted by TheatreKid

It will. Bipolar is cyclical. The only thing that is always constant is that it will change.

I will say that I agree with you. Wait long enough and the mood will change. But if you spend most of the time in depression, life can suck. This is where ADs can come in.

It is always worth staying around until it gets better.

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by swheaton

I have been fine for three weeks and today I just want to die. I want death so badly right now. I can't kill myself, I love my little family. I am just so tired of trying to fit in. I never will. People do not like me, I'm not smart enough, I'm weird. I want these feelings to go away!

You can't be that bad! You say you love your little family and you won't desert them, that's enough for me to like you!
I'm never going to fit in particularly well, I'm different from the 'normies' but hey!
vive la diffe'rence!

Hang on in there, this will pass.

[roads]

Dearest swheaton, I HATE THIS TOO! On behalf of all of us, I hate this monster disease that has its way with us with no warning and little recourse.

I'm so glad you came here, now, and told us what's happening to you. I was never one of the insiders anywhere I've been, always odd by comparison--then I got sick ... and now I guess many think I whine too much or should suck-it-up without bothering them.

But DocJohn blessed us when he set this place up. I've found so many folks who suffer daily as much as I do and more, and a couple of them I have lots in common with ... so we hang on to each other, hardly a day goes by that we don't send a note or photo or just hugs. Some I get to meet in person on rare trips, some I talk with on the phone, but I know someone will not let me be out of touch too long.

We can swap coping skills, little tricks that help if we pull them up before we're in real crisis. We used to do these things much more actively to support each other in the Bipolar Forum than we've been doing lately.

Music helps me a lot. I have NO talent, but I love some music so much it's better than most antidepressants! Doesnt last as long, so I have assembled a great number of recordings. Feel good films, too. And I have paintings and photographs and other art things around that connect with a time or a place or a person that was so special they come back, like the smell of fresh snow or hot coffee in memory.

I'm passing along a non-photoshopped picture of some street cats in Europe. It's a snapshot, a moment, and the photographer was part talented and part lucky. I have hundreds of photographs ... wouldn't want to wear out any one of them's charm.

I know your have dearly beloved felines in your family, which is why I picked this particular photo. My Charlie is about this color but is a Manx, so can be jealous of some critters magnificent tails.

There are occasional moments when Charlie is all I stick around for, because of the mix of physical & mental stuff--but mostly it's this forum & knowing that I make a real difference to a couple folks here.

I also have an overworked guardian and still believe in miracles. This sort of oddness I'm very grateful for.

* hugs galore, * swheaten!
Please keep coming back, get to know us better.
Roads

[swheaton]

I made it thru the night. I'm still feeling crappy, but thank you all so much. I know that this is temporary....but the last time this darkness decended, I was hospitalized.

I'm a tough cookie. I'm hanging on.

[outlaw sammy]

MY HEART BLEEDS FOR ALL OF YOU HERE WHO KNOW THE GRIEF AND AGONY OF A SUICIDAL DEPRESSION - and my heart bleeds for myself. I've had several near-death attempts that have landed my in the hospital intensive care units - but I've always failed to complete the task. Then, it came to me that my destiny apparently does not include stuffing myself out. So, during my last deep depression, I called the "Crisis Line." They responded immediately, and I was surrounded by empathetic mental health professionals who wanted nothing more than to help me. They took me to the hospital psyche ward and I recovered. The question which all young bipolar sufferers ask, "Will it ever get better?" Damn straight it will! I'm writing a book on my struggles with this dreadful illness and all the tragedies it creates, and as Ernest Hemingway's book entitled, The Sun Also Rises suggests - we should never loose faith that the pain/hardship will pass.

Seventeen years ago, I left the job market as an analytical chemist, and went on Social Security Disability Income because I was too mentally ill to work - at any kind of job. Then, due to a series of unusual events, a year and a half ago, my pdoc changed my psychotropic medicinal regimen - and all my BP1 symptoms completely disappeared! Yesterday, I was hired by a very appealing corporation to return to the work of my profession. YES MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS IT WILL GET BETTER and we can help one another to navigate this treacherous bipolar path together.

[swheaton]

Today was a little better....managed to go on a long ride with my husband. He knows what's going on. I got out into the sun and thought about things. I'm so tired.

[littlemiss44]

I'm so glad you are headed back to the work force! That is very good news. I believe it can get better yet some people are treatment resistant. You are so fortunate to have yr symptoms go away. Not everyone has that experience so yr very lucky. I have a very positive attitude and I work hard at taking care of my mental health. Given that I still have bipolar depression that is debilitating. I'm not one to feel sorry for myself. But this illness is very discouraging. I was so abused growing up that literally my brain chemistry didn't develop properly. At least that's what I've been told. I continue to go to weekly therapy sessions, weekly dbt therapy and regularly see my pdoc. I try so hard to be ok but trying doesn't take away this illness. Unfortunately we can't will ourselves out of it. I can't stand it when people say just snap out of it. Like "what is wrong with you? What do you have to be sad about?" I don't like to get into stinkin thinking so I work hard to live in today. To not let the past define me. I'm truly happy for you that yr able to work again. I too am on ssd and I work a pt job. It's easy and flexible which is how I'm able to work. I've even tried to work more than 2 or 3 days a week and it was disastrous. I can't work days in a row cause I'll end up wrapped in a ball shaking from anxiety. I'll have panic attacks and my heart feels like it's skipping beats. I simply get easily overwhelmed by too many responsibilities.

Swheaton I'm really glad that today was a little better. That is a big deal cause you haven't felt good at all. I too go on drives with my bf when I'm really depressed. I may not want to go but I end up feeling a little better too for getting out of the house. The sun feels so good on the face. I try and focus on deep breathing, taking in the scenery. I listen to the birds sing. I'll force myself to go on walks and do the above things. My t suggested that I walk outside at least once a day. It doesn't have to be a walk if I don't feel like it but I force myself. I usually feel a little better for it. Anyways thanks for reading my book. :-) I just hope you feel a little better every day. I'm glad you have a supportive husband. That makes all the diff Ib the world to be loved when you feel really down. Please stay safe and we're here for you. If you ever want to chat I'm just Pm away.

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

[swheaton]

I want to thank all of you for listening to me and giving support. It means so much..it really does. That's why I come here.

I think I might be claiming out..no thoughts of death so far today.

[TheatreKid]

glad to hear it.

[swheaton]

I'm going to talk to my PCP Tuesday. I'm so freaking tired. I've been sick this last week and not sleeping well-thinking it might have aggravated things?

[ManicIcarus]

Originally Posted by swheaton

I have been fine for three weeks and today I just want to die. I want death so badly right now. I can't kill myself, I love my little family. I am just so tired of trying to fit in. I never will. People do not like me, I'm not smart enough, I'm weird. I want these feelings to go away!

Nothing wrong with being "weird". "Normal", if there is such a thing, is overrated anyhow.

I do hope you feel better though. I can relate to feeling like the outcast, maybe not in the same way, but I've had feelings in that ballpark, so to speak. Hang in there.

[outlaw sammy]

Originally Posted by littlemiss44

I'm so glad you are headed back to the work force! That is very good news. I believe it can get better yet some people are treatment resistant. . . .

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

Hi LM44!
Yes I agree that I've been lucky for being symptom free over this last year and a half - BUT there always remains the threat that my response to these meds will change in time. It's happened before. If that happens, I'll be right back to the pharmaceutical merry-go-round with all of you. No one gets out of jail free!

I'm glad you've been feeling a bit better, swheaton. I experienced some strong suicidal ideation last night, so I know what it's like to be in the pit of despair.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but for all of you who reassured the OP that bipolar is cyclical and the depression will eventually lift, have you ever heard of a 9-month bipolar depressive episode? That's me right now, and I just can't imagine feeling any better. . .

[Fuzzybear]

[swheaton]

Newgal2, I had one episode last almost a year...so it's possible.

[roads]

newgal2, I'm bipolar II with a heavily dominant depressive wing. I've been slipping further into depression for two years now. Bipolar is complicated and adjusts over time as a person's body chemistry changes.

Please check everything over with both your PCP and pdoc and make sure they're using the best meds for you and that their diagnoses are complete and accurate. You must become your own advocate.

I'm seeking new treatment from my current docs or--if they won't actively pursue that--new, more aggressive physicians.

The best to you.
Roads