[Talanic]

I need someone to talk to.

I'm not doing too great at the moment. I was driving home and just all of a sudden this numbing depression hits. I'm quite depressed... I feel as if I'm worthless and I'm having thoughts of suicide. I don't think I would act on those thoughts but none the less they're there and strong. I'm freaking out! I keep seeing shadow figures moving in the corner of my eye every few minutes. So I freak out, have a massive panic attack and hyperventilate. I keep hearing sounds like someone is behind me... like breathing, the sounds of someone moving around, or someone saying my name. I keep jumping out of my skin. I tried locking my door thinking that it might help calm me down, but it doesn't help... I try to play music on headphones but I still keep hearing things and seeing things in the corner of my eye. I have the strong feeling that someone is standing right behind me and so every few seconds I have to look behind me. Night walks for most part help me calm down, so I try that, but it doesn't help at all (I just got back). Every time I noticed someone even if they where across the road I'd start freaking out. I even hid behind one of those things you can buy news papers from because I noticed someone walking on the other side of the road. I feel as everyone hates me, I'm hyper paranoid right now... I feel as if my friends hate me, I feel as if my family hates me, and I feel that everyone on this site hates me... I know it's crazy because I just recently joined but I can't shake the strong paranoia... My therapist said I should try and reach out on here... So here's me trying even though it makes me panic to no end. I'm tired of being so depressed. The past few days I've been crying my eyes out at night. I've been going to bed at 6 AM every night for a long time now because I'm kind of scared of just laying there with nothing to distract me with how my minds been. I figure if I'm up so late and get dead tired it might make me fall asleep faster. This depression has been going on for awhile, but it keeps getting worse and I feel like I'm slowly slipping. I wasn't able to call my psychiatrist yesterday so now I have to wait tell Monday. I'm scared because I'm worried she's going to force me to go to the psyward when I see her next, because she's done that before... I really don't want to go back to the psyward... It just makes things worse... I even experienced my first moment of mania a few days ago and it's been years since I have. I felt VERY high, had tons of energy, and was smiling much more then what's normal of someone. It only lasted a few hours and then I crashed. I honestly can't do much anymore... I haven't showered in god knows how long, I can't study, and my passions have no drive. I spent 60 bucks on this awesome book on psychopharmacology that I've been wanting to get for a long time and I haven't had the energy or the drive to touch it... I was recently able to synthesize Serotonin in my bedroom "lab" (I'm really into chemistry and have been planning this synth for months now) and when it came down to perfecting my method I've lost all motivation and passion from how I've been feeling recently. I feel that I may never stabilize, that there's just no hope for me, and that I will be alone forever... I'm close to tears and having a hard breathing...

Anyway, here's me venting and trying to open up. Feels weird asking for help.

Hi Talanic, I don't have any words of advice for you but just wanted to let you know that we're here for you. I hope things improve for you soon and that you can talk to your pdoc on Monday. Try to enjoy the weekend, and keep posting!

[Crazycatlady82]

I am really glad (though obviously not glad you feel so badly) to see this post today because I am feeling especially awful and the people here have saved my life in a literal sense. Thank you so much for sharing yourself.

[Victoria'smom]

Your not hated here. grab a really cold drink and sip it through a straw. If you can take a hot shower it helps with breathing calmly. As for the shadows take melatonin and rest.

[Supersonic]

Been there lately Talanic. Whereas there are lots of things some of us try to do to combat symptoms related to our disorder, I find it best at times to do nothing. Veg out and relax as much as possible. For me I feel doing nothing can be a better option than doing other things that can come to mind. Best wishes, I hope you stay healthy and comfy. You'll find friends here that help. I did.

[Curiosity77]

Just wanted to let you know i read your post, and i hope you feel better soon.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[swheaton]

Stay strong, no one hates you here, my dear. Try getting some rest..relax a bit. Keep reaching out to us!

[AmIReallyLiving]

Hi, new here, but read your post and know how you feel. I recently spent some time in the hospital due to an overdose. I was feeling overwhelmed by the depression and life. I get really tired of being Bipolar, if that makes sense. What I learned in the hospital is that I have to learn how to reach out and say I need help. You've already mastered that. I can learn a lot from you.

[Talanic]

First of all I wish to thank everyone whos replied. It helps to hear from people honestly. I don't really have anyone to talk to who understands. So thanks a lot for being there to listen and by simply replying. I finally fell asleep at 7 in the morning and woke up at 11:30. But I've been keeping it low key today and trying to relax as much as I can like everyone has been saying. I still feel pretty horrible, but I'm trying my best. It's good to hear I'm not hated. Sometimes I think I need people to say stuff like that to help keep my mind straight. I still feel paranoid but it defiantly helps to hear that. So thank you all for clearly saying I'm not. I'm sure you all can understand. I'm happy I found this forum for support and I'll keep posting.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

As for the shadows take melatonin and rest.

Didn't think of trying melatonin before... I might have to buy some and see how that goes. I'm a little nervous on taking things given the meds I'm on, but if you take it I see no reason for it to be bad.

Originally Posted by AmIReallyLiving

Hi, new here, but read your post and know how you feel. I recently spent some time in the hospital due to an overdose. I was feeling overwhelmed by the depression and life. I get really tired of being Bipolar, if that makes sense. What I learned in the hospital is that I have to learn how to reach out and say I need help. You've already mastered that. I can learn a lot from you.

I'm sorry to hear about your time in the hospital... I completely understand about being overwhelmed and being sent to the hospital. I was first diagnosed after a huge depressive episode where I tried to kill myself by overdose. I wouldn't say I've mastered it. I'm slowly getting better. It's still quite hard. If you need someone to reach out to feel free to message me. It seems we have some things in common.

Originally Posted by Supersonic

Been there lately Talanic. Whereas there are lots of things some of us try to do to combat symptoms related to our disorder, I find it best at times to do nothing. Veg out and relax as much as possible. For me I feel doing nothing can be a better option than doing other things that can come to mind. Best wishes, I hope you stay healthy and comfy. You'll find friends here that help. I did.

Originally Posted by Crazycatlady82

I am really glad (though obviously not glad you feel so badly) to see this post today because I am feeling especially awful and the people here have saved my life in a literal sense. Thank you so much for sharing yourself.

The same goes for both of you, if you need someone to talk to I'm here. It feels kind of strange people thanking me for sharing. I'm kind of used to people not caring so much. So thank you as well.

[Victoria'smom]

Melitonin has been really good for me when I need to calm down.

My heart is so far down right now you'd have to dig it up with a shovel.
Same, same, babe. Wanna go, wanna fly, wana be free.

Breaking down...wish tears were allowed.