[snow_]

Hi everybody, I’m new. You guys can just call me Snow, I’m 23 and am looking for some support. This will probably be a long one so just a warning...get comfy.

I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 18 and immediately began my journey or medication. I tried so many different kinds or mood stabilizers, antidepressants etc and finally with my own research I requested to try Lamotrigine. I started at 25mg and worked my way up to 200mg where I currently sit 4.5 years later. When I was diagnosed it was the worst my mental health had become out of control which is obviously why I looked for help. I am from Canada and even though our health system is quite large and we generally have “free” healthcare getting a decent Psychiatrist is a nightmare. I was in no position to pay for a private doctor and therefore relied on community supports. I saw the same doctor for about 2 years and while he was okay he was more of a “Hi, how are you, yours meds good? Need an adjustment? K here’s a prescription” literally our appointments were no more that 10-15minutes. So yes I was getting medication but I probably should have had a more thorough assessment. I did reach a point of stability and was doing quite well. I was just working and I had a boyfriend and things were good. About 8 months after diagnoses and treatment my Grandmother passed away very unexpectedly which to most isn’t “that” big of a deal but she was like a Mother to me and we were all torn apart from it. I was unable to say goodbye or be present at her funeral as she lived overseas(had moved there 8 years earlier) and only my mother and sister were able to go. It devastated me and I was forced to take on very adult roles to maintain things in Canada while my mom and sister were overseas. This put a huge push back on my treatment and to this day I still struggle with the grief even though it has been 4 years.

Fast forward, I decided to go to College after declining a University acceptance. I moved 5 hours from home with my boyfriend for us both to go to school. I had been somewhat stable, stable enough to function. I did not register with a disability and wanted to prove I could do everything and be “normal” like everyone else. I excelled in my courses and graduated with honours. I was so proud of myself. I was able to see a Psychiatrist through the college and he was quite helpful for the most part, still quick in and out session but its better than nothing. My boyfriends program was a year longer than mine so we stayed for another year. I just worked and was okay. My employer was not aware of my mental health and I had no intention of bringing it to anyones attention. At this point the only people who knew of my diagnoses was my family, boyfriend and about 3 very close friends.

Unexpectedly while visiting home, a house came up for sale. My boyfriend was in love with it and honestly I hated everything about it. Our relationship had been a little rocky so I thought I would be supportive and encourage the situation. We made an offer and surprisingly got the house. So we packed up our life and moved 5 hours back home. It was a decision I grew to regret. I gave up everything to do this for my boyfriend and things just did not go well from then on. My struggles with my relationship are an entirely different story. My mental health plummeted after moving back. I am currently working at a job that is in my career field yet lacks a lot of the morals I believe in. There is a lot of negativity and a lot of bad situations that occur that could have been prevented. My job is one of the things that makes me feel the worst. A situation arose and it was very very bad to say the least(I don’t want to give specific details) and it caused me to have a breakdown. I was forced to tell my boss what was going on and why I was struggling. I told them of my diagnoses and situation. I only told my boss and human resources and explicitly asked(more like begged) to keep the information confidential. Now after a year of working at this place my mental health is non-existent. I am severely depressed, have nauseating anxiety and have completely lost interest in life. I have been suicidal and hopeless. I have began to feel a lost sense of “self” and have struggled to do anything productive. I know I need a medication adjustment and at this point I feel that I need a full reassessment as I’m not even sure I’m actually Bipolar or not. I decided to take two weeks off to clear my head. I took the time off and while I didn’t feel “amazing” I felt relief. I returned at the beginning of this week and things were okay but then I found out something that just set me off. My boss had told my supervisor of my current condition without my consent. This supervisor then told another two coworkers that I had depression(false). It then came out that when I took time off this supervisor was going around telling coworkers that I “was a very depressed person who can’t handle people”. I went off the handle, this ignorant person has no idea what they are talking about and I am humiliated and utterly ashamed. I fear setting foot in the building and I am sick with anxiety. I feel so ashamed of myself and even more depressed. I feel like everybody just looks at me and “knows” and I am being judged. I know what they did was wrong and it was not my fault but it has truly truly broken me. I feel isolated and I literally feel like I am in pieces. I was on a mental health forum during the beginning of my journey and people looked up to me because I was stable and was doing well in life. I accomplished so much and never had public breakdowns. I was proud to think I was above my disorder. Now after everything has fallen apart and I’ve landed face first, I am a wreck. I am nothing but my disorder. Bipolar rules every aspect of my life and everything in it is in shambles. I guess I just want some support from people who understand what it feels like and the severity of the illness. I do not have access to a doctor at this point and am on a waiting list that my GP says can take up to a year. I want to quit my job, hell I want to quit my life. I am floating day to day and desperately need to figure out how to get things back to normal. I am defeated.

Sorry for the novel, if you made it through I greatly appreciate it and send you a virtual cookie it’s nice to get it all out and know that maybe someone will understand.

[Espurr1989]

I am 24 years old and also pretty new to the forum. Had my first manic episode that ended in psychosis and hospitalization at the beginning of April (I keep saying it was the longest April Fool's joke ever lol). I got my official diagnosis of Bipolar I/Generalized Anxiety yesterday.

Just wanted to respond and say hi because we are around the same age and seem to be at the same stage of life from what I can see. About a year and a half ago I had to quit a full time job (well, 30 hrs) because it was just making me super depressed and nearly suicidal. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone there that I was seeing a therapist for the depression because most of the people at my work were the types that would judge me and expect me to just suck it up. After quitting, my depression cleared up pretty fast, so I know certain environments can just be really bad for mental health. I work at a movie theater now for about 15 hrs per week. I'm kind of ashamed that at my age I am only making about $100 a week with no benefits and even struggling with those few shifts. I am also in grad school to become a counselor myself, but since this psychotic break happened, most days I am not sure if I will manage to make it through the two semesters of internship I will have to do.

But I try to focus on positive things too, like cultivating the few relationships I have with people I care about and taking care of basic things at the house. I am more than just a paycheck and the people that really care about me can see that.

I hope things get better for you...in my experience, they always seem to do eventually. Feel free to keep me and anyone else who reads your post updated. I have found that there are lots of people who are going through some of the same things I am and probably feel the same way I do, and knowing that is really helpful to me.

[Curiosity77]

Welcome to the group. I'm sorry that you are struggling so much right now. Try to be easy on yourself because shame can be so toxic. I just wanted to reply to let you know I read your post, and I hope you feel better.

Hello Snow,

Welcome to PC. I am sorry to hear what your boss did to you. I understand where you are coming about with the quick in and out appointments. I have learned the best thing to do is become your own advocate. Research the different medications, take notes about your moods, note things that trigger you, etc. Then when you do have those few minutes with your pdoc at least you have some sort of base when you go in with. I also like to write down questions I have because I tend to get anxious before appointments and forget my questions until after it's too late.

I am not familiar with the Canadian health system, do you need a referral from a GP to see a pdoc?

Best wishes, I would keep posting here and check back. This is a really supportive group and has helped me a lot.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think being unhappy in a relationship and work will deteriorate mental stability. ;(

You may want to reevaluate your relationship and see if there is anything you can do to protect yourself from your current employment. I know in the US there is the Americans with disability act that is supposed to protect you from unethical things like that. Also! If you are feeling as though the company is not with holding the currency morals, leave! If it's in any kind of social work, it means they are probably breaking laws that are set up to protect the people in the services. I know it's easy to get to the point of burn out too. I've felt that way several times since starting my current job.

((Huge))

[Sad&Bipolar]

Hi Snow. I am much older than you are. I was not diagnosed until I was 36! And then it was the wrong dx. I went on for many years before a doc figured out I have Bipolar 1.

I had two melt downs, and many hospitalizations.

The best thing I ever did was leave jobs that were not a good fit. While at awful jobs, I had terrible depression. After my last melt down, I had to give up a career I loved. I can identify with a lot you wrote about.

Please continue to stay on PC and blog along with us. There are so many good people here who really understand, and are not judgmental.

I know what you mean when you say you want to quit life. I have often felt the same. But I have managed to hang on and survive. You will too. You are so young, there is time for you to job hunt and get a better career started. What your supervisor did is so unethical. In the US, you could get a major law suit from it.

I am sorry you don't have a Pdoc right now. How about a therapist? I have both. The doc visits are short and just meant to give med treatment, or make referrals. My therapist is the one who gives me an hour of his time (50 min. most of the time - but if he does not have anyone coming in after me he lets the time run over). Seeing my therapist is the most valuable part of my treatment.

Keep posting here, and do your best to get through each day, just one day at a time. For me, sometimes it's hour by hour! Hope to see more of your posts. Viv.

[snow_]

I'm sorry it has taken me so long ot reply. Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. I would like to be more active here on PC. In Canada you do need a referral for a pdoc and I have had them sent out but it's just impossible to get in. I am on a waiting list for a mental health clinic that will take on new patients and give you a full mental evaluation but my Gp says it can take up to a year. I see a Naturopath on my own and she is like a therapist she is more of a life coach to me than a holistic doctor and she has told me she would never ever ask me to go off of my medication so she understands that my illness is not something a supplement can "cure" . My appointments with her are incredibly helpful but she too comes with a heft price per session so I can only see her every few months.

I am in the process of looking for another job and had some interviews last week. I will be hearing back this week if I was hired so fingers crossed. I have been tracking my moods with an 'emoods' app on my phone as well as a journal. I am also going to contact the Pdoc I was seeing in College and see if he has any connections in my current location.

Thanks for the support guys, I hope to get to know you all in our own time

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by snow_

I'm sorry it has taken me so long ot reply. Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. I would like to be more active here on PC. In Canada you do need a referral for a pdoc and I have had them sent out but it's just impossible to get in. I am on a waiting list for a mental health clinic that will take on new patients and give you a full mental evaluation but my Gp says it can take up to a year. I see a Naturopath on my own and she is like a therapist she is more of a life coach to me than a holistic doctor and she has told me she would never ever ask me to go off of my medication so she understands that my illness is not something a supplement can "cure" . My appointments with her are incredibly helpful but she too comes with a heft price per session so I can only see her every few months.

I am in the process of looking for another job and had some interviews last week. I will be hearing back this week if I was hired so fingers crossed. I have been tracking my moods with an 'emoods' app on my phone as well as a journal. I am also going to contact the Pdoc I was seeing in College and see if he has any connections in my current location.

Thanks for the support guys, I hope to get to know you all in our own time

I also live in Canada, in a big city at that and it had been impossible for me to get a pdoc. I had to wait years and years. Apparently they are in short supply.

I also wanted to comment on you going to see a naturopath. I will be doing the same as well. I'm actually looking forward to it, keeping an open mind to whatever they suggest. I most definitely will be trying acupuncture, not only for my BP but other ailments. Good luck on the job situation