[wildflowerchild25]

I finally was able to obtain my new medication, invega, through free samples at the pdoc's office. However, not before this depression reached a crisis point. It's all a mess. Pdoc i guess didn't hear me when I said I would run out of geodon so I've been sick from withdrawal for three days. Then the other pdoc said I couldn't take both geodon and invega so I had to buck up and deal with the withdrawal but that also took me off an antipsychotic since the invega is not in my system yet. I had a family session with my therapist and husband on Thursday, where my therapist totally backtracks on me and says that the hope was that I would stabilize in partial (I've been worse every day) but if I didn't they want me to go inpatient again. Why she waited until my husband was there to say that I have no clue. So the stress definitely caused an audible snap in my brain...I felt that I wasn't real anymore but I was ok at home, just sick from withdrawal. Then I go in Friday and I felt like half the regular group was gone and replaced by strangers and I got it in my head that they were not real people, maybe they were robots sent there to mess with me somehow, and maybe I wasn't a real person either...

But I pushed through and fact checked with a therapist and did grounding exercises so I could figure out since I was cold from the air conditioning I had to be real, and that meant the other people were probably real too (although not 100%). I bailed out of program at lunch and went home.

Today has been terrible. Just awful negative thoughts obsessing on them. Self harm and suicide. Many plans. I wanted to call the on call pdoc and see if I could get some klonopin but I don't want it in the house because I don't want something that could kill me around. Thank god my husband is in recovery because that means he has no narcotics around. I'm fairly certain none of the meds around could kill me so I think I'm ok.

Has anyone else ever felt that they use the hospital as an escape? Normally I would have been inpatient days ago. I haven't eaten more than half a meal for days, maybe even weeks at this point. I feel completely paralyzed. But in pure depression I am safe. Today I got some energy back, which is unsafe.

But I can't keep running back to inpatient. Something has to change. I've been inpatient 17 times, including adolescent stays, and I can say that only half of them were absolutely necessary. I used the hospital a lot when I was a teenager to escape my life, and I'm afraid I'm doing it again. I've been four times in the past year. The first time was necessary. I didn't know what was happening and I was afraid for my life. The second one though was just pure depression. I could have kept myself safe, I was just so tired I couldn't handle life. It did nothing. I left just as depressed. I left my family for a whole week just because I felt I couldn't face it. How awful.

The other two times were necessary because I was psychotic. So yeah.

So I refuse to go this time. I have to be safe on my own. How do I know if I'm trying to escape or I'm trying to get better? I hate that I've been inpatient so many times. It makes me feel so selfish and horrible. I can't leave my family right now. I have to get through this on my own. I'm on home watch. Telling my husband to hide his renaissance faire knives again...keeping kitchen trips to a minimum...DBT distress tolerance...etcetera. I can't go back there. It's just pathetic.

[swheaton]

If you need help, get it. That's what doctors and hospitals are for. You don't have to be alone to suffer! I hope you're okay!

[Victoria'smom]

Okay. you hire them for their opinion. There opinion is go to the hospital. Your therapist said it so your husband would know what was going on. Your already loosing touch a little with the depersonalization and that's because your depression is so bad. I know thoughts can get strange when dealing with depersonalization so try really hard to stay in safe rooms. Are you being completely honest with your therapy team?

Well I no longer go to the hospital even if I am suicidal. I just manage on my own. Do self care. Listen to calming music, light candles, basically distress tolerance skills. I hope u get to feeling better.

Man here u have to be suicidal or homicidal to go to the hospital and the hospital sucks. I went once in a really bad mixed state and was afraid I was gonna od on my meds bc I couldn't keep track of them. They just gave me zyprexa and sent me on my way...it took weeks to get out of that mixed state. Maybe it's bc my insurance sucks...

What a situation to be in!
I know first hand the effect of sudden geodon withdrawl, it is not pleasant let alone without the rest going on. I am proud of you for coping so well so far.

Im the last person to suggest inpatient, I think it can do more harm than good in some cases - such as yours with people using it as an escape and holiday from their life and not learning to cope without it. But it is still necessary at times.

When things get so bad you are a real risk to yourself (more than basic self harm), that is when it is time to go. (And yes, I know I should take my own advice with that, I get so anti hospital and anti meds during my episodes)

PRN meds can be really helpful, do you have any thing at all you can take to help you get through? A small amount of Clonazepam will not kill you in overdose, so if you can get it it will be helpful, maybe ask for a week supply at a time. PRN antipsychotics like seroquel or zyprexa can help too, might make the withdrawls a little more bearable. You'd have to take a hell of a lot of seroquel to cause death, so again a weeks supply at a time is safe. And knowing that it will not cause death is usually enough for me to not od.

What skills have you been using to keep yourself safe and linked with reality? I find it helpful to list what I have tried, what has helped a little and what hasnt helped at all. It makes me see that sometimes some of the coping skills do help instead of feeling like a complete lost cause with nothing bringing any relief at all. That way I can also check up on here what skills others have used and I havent (for example the colouring book from Migels Mum while in crisis, a skill I knew but had forgotten to try in the stressful situation).

Thinking of you and hope you can get through.

If u can get in the hospital and u feel safe there, maybe u should consider going....

[Mrs. Mania]

Originally Posted by sunshine1995

Well I no longer go to the hospital even if I am suicidal. I just manage on my own. Do self care. Listen to calming music, light candles, basically distress tolerance skills. I hope u get to feeling better.

Man here u have to be suicidal or homicidal to go to the hospital and the hospital sucks. I went once in a really bad mixed state and was afraid I was gonna od on my meds bc I couldn't keep track of them. They just gave me zyprexa and sent me on my way...it took weeks to get out of that mixed state. Maybe it's bc my insurance sucks...

I hear ya on the no hospital thing, I think the only way I will ever enter the er is if I'm unconscious and someone takes me. Its a REAL phobia of mine. Like you, I rely on the skills I've learned through years of therapy. My only issue is that when I've been up for over 30 hours my thinking is so muddy that I have a hard time remembering what to do, thanks to pc, I've remembered some old strategies, been writing things to help me focus on the rainbow at the end and surviving my own withdrawal!

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Supanova

What a situation to be in!
I know first hand the effect of sudden geodon withdrawl, it is not pleasant let alone without the rest going on. I am proud of you for coping so well so far.

Im the last person to suggest inpatient, I think it can do more harm than good in some cases - such as yours with people using it as an escape and holiday from their life and not learning to cope without it. But it is still necessary at times.

When things get so bad you are a real risk to yourself (more than basic self harm), that is when it is time to go. (And yes, I know I should take my own advice with that, I get so anti hospital and anti meds during my episodes)

PRN meds can be really helpful, do you have any thing at all you can take to help you get through? A small amount of Clonazepam will not kill you in overdose, so if you can get it it will be helpful, maybe ask for a week supply at a time. PRN antipsychotics like seroquel or zyprexa can help too, might make the withdrawls a little more bearable. You'd have to take a hell of a lot of seroquel to cause death, so again a weeks supply at a time is safe. And knowing that it will not cause death is usually enough for me to not od.

What skills have you been using to keep yourself safe and linked with reality? I find it helpful to list what I have tried, what has helped a little and what hasnt helped at all. It makes me see that sometimes some of the coping skills do help instead of feeling like a complete lost cause with nothing bringing any relief at all. That way I can also check up on here what skills others have used and I havent (for example the colouring book from Migels Mum while in crisis, a skill I knew but had forgotten to try in the stressful situation).

Thinking of you and hope you can get through.

My current pdoc does not believe in using APs as prns. Especially since I'm trying to titrate up on a new ap. I am sure I could wrestle klonopin out of her but she won't be there until Tuesday. Tuesday I will be getting the first injection on invega sustenna. I've been taking Benadryl to keep me calm since I used up all the vistaril and it's similar. I know it's weird but it works and whatever works at this point, right?

You're right abou maybe writing down skills that work. I know when I get worked up guided imagery and progressive muscle relaxation seem to help. My brain is like total mush right now so I can't even remember other skills I've tried. Lucky for me that means I can't make any plans either because I can't get past ok I want to overdose...on what? Oh that's too much work to figure out what.

I feel more profoundly depressed today which is actually safer because I'm too depressed to make any effort to hurt myself although the thoughts and images are still there in my mind. I did manage to wash my hair, take my son outside before it got hot, and even accompany my husband to get something to eat. I ate half a salad and half a roll. That's good.

My husband is being so supportive this time. Much more supportive than any other time. I think it's because he knows what it's like to be in my shoes now because of his addiction. Obviously it's not the same but he knows what it's like to be out of control of something and to have to fight so hard every day....

Hey mm, I am being honest with my treatment team, hence why they have started talking about inpatient. I lost my ability to lie to treatment professionals a long time ago...I guess because I don't want to lie, I want to get better.

I just need to hold on. It has to get better. I don't want to die. It's just my brain telling me that I do.

[Curiosity77]

It will take at least a week for the effects of the Invega shot. You'll get the first dose, which is a loading dose, and then a second dose at day 8, and then it will go to once a month. The pdoc should give you some oral meds to cover you for the first week. Oral invega or risperidone are good choices. The injection has a more stable blood level than oral meds, so once it gets to therapeutic it will have an over all better effect. I hope you find what works for you.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks curiosity. That is what my pdoc said. I definitely need the injection. I just realized I think I've forgotten to take the topomax for a couple of days now because I've been so upset. Meds can't help if I don't take them correctly. My history of stopping meds is one of the reasons my pdoc recommended the injectable in the first place.

[wildflowerchild25]

Still afraid of people today. Just nervous in the big group for some reason. I skipped out again at lunch but this time my therapist caught me because she came looking for me. She called me later, mentioned inpatient again. I don't know how If I can continue to avoid it.

The negative thoughts are absolutely consuming me right now. I mean constant, rapid fire images of self harm and suicide. I can't get away. I try DBT skills like distraction and self soothe, TIP, radical acceptance, mindfulness, Teflon mind...it all works for awhile but I guess that's all I get, right? How do you stop obsessing?

I just want some peace. I want to be able to eat again. I want to wash dishes without crying over it. Play with my son without having to say I'm sick. I want a life away from hospitals.

I want to get better and I'm doing everything and anything to get there except inpatient. I have to do this without it.