[inflammable]

Lately, most of my suicidal urge states have gone. But today suddenly, and seemingly out of nowhere, they're back. These urges feel like external forces compelling me to suicide. They are exhausting and hard to fight. I'm looking for new coping methods, if anyone else experiences suicidal urges like this.

[glok]

Hello, inflammable.

Suicide: Read This First

I wish you well.

[TheatreKid]

distraction distraction distraction distraction. I do whatever I can to get my mind on something else. I go minute by minute. I talk to friends. I write poetry.

[doyoutrustme]

What's on your mind? Talk to us.

[BipolaRNurse]

I remind myself that these thoughts are happening because my brain is lying to me, and that "this, too, shall pass". This last time (in June) I really thought I might do it---everything is so effed-up in my life right now---but I called my pdoc for a med tweak (and some free therapy) and made a point of telling myself that my brain was trying to murder me & NOT to listen to it. It helps!

[inflammable]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

What's on your mind? Talk to us.

It's hard to describe. It's a pull I feel toward killing myself. It's difficult to resist it. Some moments I can remember that I don't want to die, and distract myself. Other moments I'm consumed. These urge states last usually until I trick my mind somehow, either by distraction or giving in to the urge to some degree.

Technically, I have everything in my life that I could want, and many reasons to live. But the urges don't care about that. They command me to kill myself, but in a gentle, reassuring way. They are smart and manipulative. It's hard to know what's really me, and what's not.

[jesusplay]

I have an internal force, I'm not going to kill myself but I'm thinking about it, planning.

[Love&Toil]

Do you have anyone close to you irl who can help talk you down? I agree with the others on keeping distracted.

[Secretum]

I have a "death force" inside of me that tries to get me to kill myself. It sneaks up on me, using intrusive thoughts, delusions, hallucinations, and reminders of everything I don't like about my life.

I resist it by thinking about how my death would devastate my loved ones. I also try to curb the thoughts by reminding myself that if I indulge them too much, I could end up in the hospital. Hospitalization is a big fear of mine. At the same time, I remember that the hospital is there as a safe place if the urges get too intense. It takes a lot of courage, but I've reached out to my therapists a few times when I felt I couldn't handle the urges.

Also, when I'm not feeling suicidal (which thankfully is most of the time) I make choices that help keep me safe. For example, my pdoc once asked me if I'd like him to write me a script for 3 months worth of meds. Though it would save me a few trips to the pharmacy, I politely turned him down. I knew that having that much medication on me would be an invitation to overdose. Also, if I'm feeling sui, I avoid walking places where there are tall buildings, because I know that I'll be tempted to jump.

I also remember that it's possible that the afterlife could be worse than our current life. Thinking about the possibility of hell is unpleasant, but it has kept me alive in the past.

Keep talking to us. Stay with us. You are stronger than these thoughts.

[doyoutrustme]

That sounds pretty intense. If there's no trigger you should probably consult with whoever manages your meds... As far as coping skills I learned a helpful method from a meditation CD my T recommended, called the barrier. Basically you relax and focus on an image in your mind that works as a Barrier to help you send intrusive thoughts away.

[doyoutrustme]

If your interested, http://www.amazon.com/The-Calming-Co...t_mus_ep_dpi_1

[Mamabug1981]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I resist it by thinking about how my death would devastate my loved ones.

^^^This!!^^^ I remind myself how much my death would destroy my kids, esp my oldest, who, at 11, is certainly old enough to be seriously damaged by such an act on my part. I tell myself, as if killing myself weren't enough, what if she were the one to find me instead of my husband or someone else? Do I want to be responsible for destroying her life like that?

[Skitz13]

After 9 suicide attempts, I saw what it did to my children and swore I would never try to take my own life again.

You may be ending your own pain but you're in reality passing it on to someone else and is that really fair?

[inflammable]

Thanks everyone for your help. I am continuing to try to distract myself, but this urge state is not leaving. I feel like my ability to cope with the pain is lessened. My resiliency is not where it once was. I just feel utterly exhausted. I am trying to hang on. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday, and go back to work tomorrow. But I feel so drained. I just want my mind, and life, back.

[RRex]

I spend a lot of time thinking about method. The only thing that distracts me is a familiar movie, so I turn to the DVR/DVD.

[TheatreKid]

For some reason I can't stop thinking about it today.

I'm not distressed. I'm not depressed. I'm not manic, or even hypo, really. It's not a mixed episode.

I just keep thinking it's a good idea. What gives?