[inflammable]

I went from completely fine for four years to having a very bad mixed episode starting in December of last year. By the end of April, I had attempted suicide twice and ended up hospitalized four times.

Now I am supposedly better. But I seem to have slipped into a sometimes acutely painful, sometimes numb, life-is-not-worth-living depression state that I can't shake out of. Maybe it's because I more thoroughly "lose it" in a mixed state, but I feel this depression as worse as it is sucking out the little brain power and life I had left. I have a job and a life and responsibilities, but the only thing I want to do is sleep. I want something to kill me in my sleep so I don't have to do it myself. I don't want to be on medication, I don't want to go to therapy. I don't know if I will ever get my life back. I am a burden to others around me. I am losing hope that I will truly get better. My patience is gone.

How do you survive this bleakness? How do you survive this disease?

[emmetropia]

my hope is that it'll never be worse. even when it does... i'm ALIVE during that worst part of life. maybe not excelling or sparkling, but alive. by tooth and by claw, i'm hanging on. the medication is a huge chunk of it, so don't give up on that despite it's horrors. but having a therapist is like having an ally. you can yell at them, tell them the most frightening things going through your mind. as long as you can keep yourself safe, they can't tell a soul! just find one you feel like you can be free in front of. it makes a helluva difference.

[TheatreKid]

When I get stuck in the bleak spots I just focus on routine. Eat, sleep, walk, talk. Go through the motions until it lifts. It feels like it won't but it will. The constant thing about bipolar is that everything changes.

Tell your pdoc how you're feeling. Maybe there's a med tweak that can help.

[Skitz13]

I know exactly how you're feeling. After 9 unsuccessful suicide attempts, I sometimes just pray for a massive heart attack to take me but It really does pass.
You gotta keep up the fight. You have a family that I'm sure loves you very much. Your brain's playing with you.
You have to go to therapy, you have to see your pdoc and you have to take your meds. If you don't you're never going to get out of this hole.

Sounds like you need a med adjustment maybe. This disorder's a b**** I know but we all have keep fighting the fight. Eventually we win.

Life doesn't have to be so bleak. Pick yourself up and fight back.