[Tucson]

Guilt about being on SSDI instead of working, Guilt about not being a contributing member of society. Guilt about all the pain and anger I caused others through my life. Guilt about how I can act like an impulsive child instead of more like a respectable adult. Guilt about going through all of my net worth while most others have saved for their retirement. Guilt about letting others down in a big way, particularly my daughter.

What is wrong with me where I cannot solve simple problems in math to help my daughter when I have a degree in Mathematics? Why have not I kept up with my daughter's progress in school? How come I have not helped her with her English, particularly when I have always known she needed the help?

I think it is this guilt that has helped hold me back, sapping me of my confidence and self-esteem. I see every day as a hurdle that I must manage to jump over instead of as a new opportunity, new possibilities for happiness. Why cannot I just enjoy each day of my disability instead of sitting on the couch and feeling guilty and depressed? Maybe there will be an opportunity for a job one of these days when I am ready for it? Instead I feel a sense of foreboding, like if I try, something bad is going to happen, like I cannot possibly cope or do anything that I really would like doing, the possibility of failure.

Boy, these frown lines are becoming a permanent feature of my face. A smile on my face is a distant memory.

PS: I wonder what comes first, the thought of failure or the overwhelming, simple feeling of failure?

[Mountainbard]

Hi Tucson. Guilt and a sense of failure are two of the most powerful, corrosive emotions I know. One of our wiser members often advises people to get off the guilt train, because it always comes back to the same place. And it so does-- guilt and regret, regret and guilt. Just remember, regret wastes life. Reflection enhances it. You can't reflect on the past until you forgive yourself. Remember that the things you feel guilty about were caused by your illness, and it is your illness that causes you to feel guilty about them.

As your sig line states, "You have to accept your own MI and everything that it entails before you can expect others to be able to do the same." You also have to accept your own MI and everything it entails before you can hope to learn to control it, rather than having it control you. So be gentle with yourself, my friend. Forgive yourself. Own your past and then let it go. And know that there are many people, here and elsewhere, who have been through what you're going through, and who know how difficult it is. And who know that it is possible to let go of the guilt, and that the reward is totally worth the effort.

Don't beat yourself up too bad. What if you were a guy in the similar situation without ssdi relying on a parent.

My last job, the owner knew me because I had worked at his company once before and left on good terms. So, I was very fortunate, because I think they overlooked some of my crap at times until it got out of hand.

Something that bothers me deeply now is my oldest brother. His daughter graduated last year with a psychology degree and has recently started to work at a mental health facility. Twice now he's told me the same story about phone calls she gets and the problems/discussions they have. He's told her that if she continues to work there/in that field, that she will always be dealing with low life people.

I guess he has never thought about that being a direct blow to my head, as I am receiving treatment from the exact same type of facility. That doesn't bother me. I don't care if society thinks that way of me. It does bother me how my brother feels about me.

[~Christina]

Yes .. Step off the train, it sucks and it just goes in a circle.

I really struggled with the same stuff a few years ago. I was convinced I had to forgive myself for every single thing I have ever done or not done that wasn't "right or perfect" It's a horrible cycle to be in. That is Bipolar lying.

I talked to my T at the time and he went down the road of forgive yourself and things will get better.. Okay , tried it , tried , kept trying , Nope not working , all.

Saw T the next week and I was so sad and felt so defeated and thought I would never ever have a chance at even a semi happy life , I burst into tears I went through half a box of tissues.. Finally semi composed myself and my T leaned over and said "Just quit it" Hu ? what ? He said "Get over it" wha?????????? ... He said ok so forgiving yourself isn't working for you , so leave your guilt here in my office and go live your life...

Yeah weird hu? He asked me to write " I forgive myself and I am letting myself off the hook" I did and then I put it through his shredder and I felt like a huge weight was liftted, I no longer looked back and thought of all the things I wasn't doing. I started with a clean slate..

Being able to just start over .. kinda like a "reboot" on your computer is a wonderful gift to give yourself, no one else can give you a gift like that. So now you help her with the next homework, dont think of all the ones you missed , that's gone and over with, You can help her with this brand new one. Live in the present, use mindfulness to stick you there.

At times the guilt can and will pop up and smack you.. Its Okay. See it for what it is and move forward.

No one knows what life is going bring to us, but we can "deal " with how we "allow" ourselves "react "to it.

It's time for you to get a reboot, start over,clean slate. Give yourself that gift

[JamesO2]

I've started a similar thing. My girlfriend is possibly bipolar. At the very least, ADHD. I've seen her in what appears as a manic state, because I've been there too.

But I asked her how she gets through the depression and guilt, and she told me that her mother (and others) had told her so often to just "get over herself" that she internalized it. She got in the habit of telling herself to "get over it." And she's been able to move forward and accomplish so much that I couldn't even dream of.

Me on the other hand, was left to fend for myself. I never was told to stop being a child... So I never did.

But I've been trying this "get over it" thing, and in states of real deep guilt or malaise, it helps snap me out... And at the very least I tell myself to "just do something, don't just sit here feeling sorry for yourself -- you're an adult, you can take care of yourself."

It's helped me. But it took me years of building a thicker skin to be able to handle it. Had I told myself to get over it a year ago, I would have fallen apart.

[gloamingone]

I have overwhelming guilt as well, for many of the reasons you mentioned. It's crippling. I used to be a master's level accountant, and now I can't even balance my checkbook. It's horrible and demoralizing.

I hope you know you're not alone in this!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Tucson

Guilt about being on SSDI instead of working, Guilt about not being a contributing member of society. Guilt about all the pain and anger I caused others through my life. Guilt about how I can act like an impulsive child instead of more like a respectable adult. Guilt about going through all of my net worth while most others have saved for their retirement.

Well, they will get to enjoy their retirement and you won't. So it would be justifiable to feel upset, or to feel worried, but not guilty - you have not harmed those people, right?

You have harmed yourself, and only yourself (more on your daughter later). When you feel guilty, you continue to harm yourself. Since you feel guilty when you harm yourself, it follows that feeling guilty would make you feel guiltier and guiltier, with no end in sight. Gotta stop that train of thought - nip it in the bud.

Remember that "I" in "SSDI" stands for insurance. It is not public assistance - it is insurance, and you paid into it. You must have worked for at least 10 years to qualify for SSDI. And maybe one time you will be able to work, but for now, you are getting the money you deserve.

Originally Posted by Tucson

What is wrong with me where I cannot solve simple problems in math to help my daughter when I have a degree in Mathematics?

I can guess what is wrong with you - a combination of depression and side effects of medications. Both can lead to cognitive decline, which most of the time is reversible. But there is nothing morally wrong with you - it is purely a medical issue, which is largely outside of your control.

Originally Posted by Tucson

Why have not I kept up with my daughter's progress in school?

You do not have to do it. The idea that parents need to be involved in their children's schooling is just that - an idea. And recently there has been a study that showed that parental involvement does not impact grades. If you are interested, I will find a link for you.

Originally Posted by Tucson

How come I have not helped her with her English, particularly when I have always known she needed the help?

Contact the local public library. They might have volunteer tutors. It would be free and your daughter will have fun. Plus, it is usually the case that non-parents teach better than parents. My dad has a degree in Mathematics, too, but he talked too fast and was not patient enough to explain things. I have a childhood girlfriend whose dad yelled at her because she did not get Math as fast and easy as he did (well, he has a degree in Mathematics and guess what, had she been as quick as he was, she would not have needed help). Stories abound about people who cannot teach their own kids, but other teachers can teach those kids just fine. So if she needs help, get outside assistance. Do not beat yourself up - just treat it as a solvable problem. Also, there are sites that help build the vocabulary and she can play with those.

Originally Posted by Tucson

Boy, these frown lines are becoming a permanent feature of my face. A smile on my face is a distant memory.

PS: I wonder what comes first, the thought of failure or the overwhelming, simple feeling of failure?

So THAT is bad for your daughter - not lack of assistance in math or english, but that you are not happy anymore. The sooner you cut out guilt, the better.